Video Game Review: Bubble Bobble

This game, starring two bubble-blowing lizards, takes place in the Cave of Monsters. And let me tell you about this cave, this is one never-ending cave. So basically, these lizards have to battle through the cave to save their girlfriends, eating everything they find along the way.

In terms of difficulty, this game alternates between ridiculously easy and ridiculously impossible. The levels themselves are not all that difficult, but you have to make it through 100 of them.

And…I don’t know…I like it. It’s strangely addictive, and there is a mind-boggling array of different items which randomly appear when certain mathematical requirements are met. Many of them give you points, but a few of them trick out your lizards to make them more efficient killing machines.

As a disclaimer, I should add that I’ve never finished this game. A typical session involves playing flawlessly for roughly an hour and then dying continuously at the same spot until it’s GAME OVER. Dan, my game counselor, says this is common.

I should add here that Dan is an EXPERT. He’s been playing video games since he was 4 years old, which strikes me as odd because it doesn’t seem like they’ve been around all that long.

When I speak to him, I picture him playing along with me, instantly booting up whichever game I’m playing and giving me real-time advice.In actuality, Dan tells me, there is a giant book with commonly-asked questions for each games and cheats and hints, and all he does is read from it. I asked him to send me a copy of this book, but he says he would lose his job if he did so.

Video Game Review: Milon’s Secret Castle

Let’s start with the positives, to get them out of the way. This game has really good graphics, and many challenging levels for you to explore. Now for the negatives. You’ll never make it to most of those challenging levels because you’ll kill yourself before you ever manage to get past the first three.

An innovative feature of this game is that it gives you absolutely no direction. You are free to explore the world of the game as you choose, as long as the world you choose is the first few levels, because there is no logical way to get past them. Eventually, you may find yourself locked in a room with a fire-breathing dragon. Your weapon against this dragon? Bubbles.

There’s about a 99% chance this dragon will kill you.

Now, none of you have to review this game. You don’t have some ogre-like boss hovering above you telling you that you can’t go home until you beat the game because journalistic integrity requires you to complete the game before you review it.

But you also don’t have an expense account to blow on video game systems and hours of telephone therapy with Dan, my video game counselor at Nintendo. For eight bucks a minute, he’s walked me through dozens of video games and failed relationships. He’s helped me get over my abandonment issues by telling me how to kill Mother Brain, helped me through my aquaphobia by navigating me through the water levels in Super Mario Bros.

Now, after getting killed by this goddamn dragon one too many times, I seem to have thrown the game through the window. You will, too.

Video Game Review: Metal Gear

Within ten seconds of starting this game, you are actually punching dogs. In their throats. Awesome! And look at that sweet dog tag-like font! Now, to be fair, I haven’t yet managed to get past the third screen of this game, so I don’t know how ‘in-depth’ this review will be.

The play control is kind of awkward, I keep hitting the ‘garrote’ button when I mean to hit the ‘disembowel’ button, but the graphics are great. I can just imagine what some of the later stages are like, if this first stage is any indication, I bet they are awesome!

Sweet! I just cut a guy open and wedged a grenade inside his ribcage! For 8-bit, the detail depicting his open chest cavity is surprisingly realistic. I predict this game will spawn many successful sequels across numerous gaming platforms.

Video Game Review: Contra

This game is just begging to be made into a Schwarzenegger movie, though he has a better shot at becoming Governor than that actually happening. Two military-style guys with guns shooting bad guys, what could be better than that?

How about going more than fifteen seconds without getting killed. What is the point of making this game so insanely difficult? Dan, my video game counselor, assures me this was not done to spite me personally. Dan also had a very helpful piece of advice for me: a little piece of awesomeness called the Konami code.

OH_HELLS_YES!

Thirty lives, bitches. The sad thing is that I still can’t beat this game, even with the code, even with Dan by my side (well, the phone by my side with Dan at the other end). What I need is a way to cheat MORE. But the graphics are good, and it’s violent and fun.

Video Game Review: Mega Man

This game is too hard. Maybe if you’re like really good at games or something, then you might like this game. Me, I don’t like it all that much because, like I said, it’s just too damn hard.

Things shooting at you, holes to fall into, crazy android supervillains with turbocharged weapons…this is a lot more stress than, say, a gardening game, or some sort of card game. Nintendo Canasta, that’s the way to go, or Nintendo Euchre, that’s the ticket.

Honestly, with all the loud noises and all the flashing, I don’t see how anyone is supposed to get into this game. The Japanese are crazy. And it’s totally unrealistic. Maybe this is what it’s like to live in Tokyo, but it’s certainly nothing like D’Starkville. Paperboy, now THAT game is a pretty true-to-life description of this place.

To tell you the truth, I never wanted to be a video game reviewer. I wanted to go overseas, to be a foreign correspondent doing stories about corrupt dictators and international corporate espionage. Instead, they’ve got me locked in a room with a kid’s toy reviewing whatever steaming pile of digital poo is making the rounds this week.

I hate my life.

Video Game Review: The Legend of Zelda

So…wait. Is this little green dude named Zelda, or is this a chick, or what? He’s saving a princess…her name is Zelda. So who is this green guy I’m controlling? I really need to start reading the instruction booklets before I start playing these games. Certainly before I start writing about them.

The giant, shining money is good. Killing octopi is also good. That dragon at the end of the first dungeon, though, he’s a real asshole. I need more hearts before I attempt another dungeon…

One of the best things about this game is that it is GOLD. That’s how I know that it’s GOOD. And I can cut animals with a sword, which is also pretty sweet. Not to mention shooting them with ARROWS. It’s just like deer hunting, except in this game it appears I am ripping these animals’ hearts out and eating them.

Take that, octopus-bitches!

And, while we’re on the subject, what is the deal with all these princesses getting kidnapped? Are they raping them, or what? If not, why take them? If they are, do these hero-guys really want to deal with the years of therapy and psychological healing it’ll take for these sluts to get over it?

If that’s the case, they certainly won’t be putting out any time soon, so what’s the point of saving them?

I’d take some of that giant, shining money and go to the strip club hidden in the sixth dungeon.

Video Game Review: Kid Icarus

So the first thing you notice about your protagonist is that he’s got WINGS. So he should be able to FLY. But he CAN’T. Because he SUCKS. Playing this game is a series of letdowns. It’s kind of fun shooting things with arrows, and completing the various stages, but it really sucks dying all the time and losing a big chunk of your progress.

Another thing you may notice as you grind your way through Icarusland is that there are SO MANY MONSTERS. That might have been a better title for this game. Because fighting monsters one at a time is so passé, better to fight them a dozen at a time.

If you’re playing this game, I suspect you’ve already beaten Metroid, because that’s a much better game. If that’s the case, I’d recommend shelving this one and playing that instead, because that game is soooo freakin’ sweet.