Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

One of my friends recently started selling AmWay, and now he wants me to follow suit. Should I do this? Will I make mountains of money?

Sincerely,

Future Millionaire

Moneybags-

You strike me as one of those people who responds to every e-mail from every Nigerian billionaire who chooses you to inheirit his fortune.

To answer your question: Yes! Definitely! The secret to success and infinite wealth has always been selling snow globes and fake jewelry out of your garage. Not only that, but just by merely spreading the word of this successful method, you will make mountains of money.

You deserve easy success, and you shouldn't have to work hard for it because you're special. That's what you want to hear, right? That you're special and your path to financial security should be as easy as jumping into Scrooge McDuck's money bin and scooping handfuls and handfuls into your pockets.

Good luck with your idiocy.

Adding your letter's return address to the sex offender database,

Editor

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

While I was trekking through the woods last week to find the ultimate camping spot, I came across a real live manticore. This was not a docile creature. I sustained severe injuries in the ensuing struggle, but thankfully, I was able to escape with my life.

Now that I’m out of the hospital, I’m left with a question: why is a supposedly mythical creature roaming the outlands of D’Starkville?

Sincerely,
One-legged Man

Leg-

A manticore is basically a lion with a human head, and sometimes possesses wings. As you so eloquently pointed out, they are, in fact, mythical creatures, so I can assure you that the creature that attacked you was probably not a manticore.

If what you’re suggesting is that the manticore you saw was the product of a DNA-chimeratizing experiment which managed to escape its confines and terrorize the countryside, we can all agree that your theory is completely ridiculous.

My advice to you is to stop ingesting psychotropic chemicals before you go strolling through the woods picking fights with brown bears.

Never leaving home without his battle axe,
Editor

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

My neighbor is this creepy guy with a giant dent in his head. At night, I can hear him screaming obscenities and breaking things in his house. A few weeks ago, I saw him out on the street and he asked me to lend him five dollars.

He’s mentally unhinged, so I gave it to him.

He has not since repaid the five dollars, which does not surprise me, but my question is this: do I have any means of legal recourse vis-à-vis my five dollars?

Sincerely,
Out Five Bucks

Bucks-

Here are the facts: he’s never going to pay you back, and it’s not worth your time to sue him for five dollars. You’ve no choice but to get over it.

Tightly clutching my wallet,

Editor

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

There are so many ways to mix a Long Island Iced Tea. Sometimes they contain tequila, sometimes not. Some bartenders forego the sour mix, some don’t use Coke. I’ve even seen one sketchy drinksmith pour cola into vodka and try to convince me this was somehow acceptable.

So, I want to know, how does one go about making the perfect Long Island Iced Tea?

Sincerely,
Parched in Purgatory

Mr. Caholic-

This is the first time since I’ve taken on the mantle of Editor for this small-town rag that I’ve received a letter that’s really spoken to me on a personal level. Your childlike naïveté has touched me, and you can rest assured your question, a question no doubt shared by scores of like-minded drinkers, will be decisively answered here and now.

The perfect Long Island goes like this: equal parts of vodka, gin, white rum, and triple sec mixed together, add a ½ -shot of lemon juice, shake it up, pour into a glass full of ice spheres (cubes have too much surface area) and, this next step is crucial, open a chilled GLASS BOTTLE of Coca Cola and pour enough to fill the rest of the glass. Stir with a glass rod, decorate with a lemon wedge cut to resemble an elephant.

Drunk before noon,
Editor