Video Game Review: Tetris

In this game, you are Tetrov, a Russian architect trying to rebuild the Berlin wall using substandard Russian bricks. When you are successful, your country launches satellites and palaces into space in celebration. When you fail, you are shot.

Now, in the US version of the game, most of the plot points have been edited out and the focus is on the blocks. However, in the Russian version of the game, the block-dropping portions are actually bonus puzzles played after thrilling platform-jumping levels where you dodge CIA agents and seduce female government secretaries in order to steal their keycards and gain access to classified documents and information pertaining to the fabled Stealth Bomber.

When you complete the game by infiltrating the Groom Lake facility, you fly your hijacked jet back to the Motherland as rockets, fireworks, and Kremlins explode jubilantly in the air around you.When the jet lands, you are still shot because you know too much, but your family gets bread. I give this game ten stars for gameplay, awesome graphics, and its heroin-like addictive qualities.

Video Game Review: Pinball

This game has some of the most basic graphics I’ve ever seen. If this game is to succeed, it must succeed on its gameplay and its addictiveness, and it does just that. Really…I…can’t…stop…playing…it. I had to cut off my right thumb just to break away from it long enough to write this review.

Luckily, with recent advances in surgery, I can get this iced thumb reattached in no time and be playing Pinball again by tomorrow.

The entire game takes place on 3 screens. You bounce a pinball between them and try not to let your ball fall off the last screen. What I desire is to find a real pinball machine made to these specifications. I’d pay top dollar for it. My boss refuses to get me one, even though I’m sure it could be justified as a business-related expense.

For some reason, Mario appears in this game’s bonus stage trying to save the chick from Donkey Kong. Paulina? I don’t remember. One thing I do know: Mario really gets around. And he loves saving chicks from big monsters, even though their naughty bits have probably been savaged by eleven inches of monster dong.

But, hey, whatever works for you, big M. I’m not here to judge.

Actually, as a reviewer, I am here to judge. To judge this game. I judge it to be great. So great, in fact, that I hereby resign my post at the D’Starkville Diatribe so that I may devote all my minutes and hours to getting 999,999 points.

Oh…my boss has informed me that if I resign, I will lose my health insurance, which I need to get my thumb reattached so that I may play this game again. It’s like the Gift of the Magi, like cruel, cruel fate is punishing me.

I’m about to pass out from blood loss. Avenge me, readers. Avenge me.