Video Game Review: Metal Gear

Within ten seconds of starting this game, you are actually punching dogs. In their throats. Awesome! And look at that sweet dog tag-like font! Now, to be fair, I haven’t yet managed to get past the third screen of this game, so I don’t know how ‘in-depth’ this review will be.

The play control is kind of awkward, I keep hitting the ‘garrote’ button when I mean to hit the ‘disembowel’ button, but the graphics are great. I can just imagine what some of the later stages are like, if this first stage is any indication, I bet they are awesome!

Sweet! I just cut a guy open and wedged a grenade inside his ribcage! For 8-bit, the detail depicting his open chest cavity is surprisingly realistic. I predict this game will spawn many successful sequels across numerous gaming platforms.

Video Game Review: Contra

This game is just begging to be made into a Schwarzenegger movie, though he has a better shot at becoming Governor than that actually happening. Two military-style guys with guns shooting bad guys, what could be better than that?

How about going more than fifteen seconds without getting killed. What is the point of making this game so insanely difficult? Dan, my video game counselor, assures me this was not done to spite me personally. Dan also had a very helpful piece of advice for me: a little piece of awesomeness called the Konami code.

OH_HELLS_YES!

Thirty lives, bitches. The sad thing is that I still can’t beat this game, even with the code, even with Dan by my side (well, the phone by my side with Dan at the other end). What I need is a way to cheat MORE. But the graphics are good, and it’s violent and fun.

Video Game Review: Mega Man

This game is too hard. Maybe if you’re like really good at games or something, then you might like this game. Me, I don’t like it all that much because, like I said, it’s just too damn hard.

Things shooting at you, holes to fall into, crazy android supervillains with turbocharged weapons…this is a lot more stress than, say, a gardening game, or some sort of card game. Nintendo Canasta, that’s the way to go, or Nintendo Euchre, that’s the ticket.

Honestly, with all the loud noises and all the flashing, I don’t see how anyone is supposed to get into this game. The Japanese are crazy. And it’s totally unrealistic. Maybe this is what it’s like to live in Tokyo, but it’s certainly nothing like D’Starkville. Paperboy, now THAT game is a pretty true-to-life description of this place.

To tell you the truth, I never wanted to be a video game reviewer. I wanted to go overseas, to be a foreign correspondent doing stories about corrupt dictators and international corporate espionage. Instead, they’ve got me locked in a room with a kid’s toy reviewing whatever steaming pile of digital poo is making the rounds this week.

I hate my life.

Video Game Review: The Legend of Zelda

So…wait. Is this little green dude named Zelda, or is this a chick, or what? He’s saving a princess…her name is Zelda. So who is this green guy I’m controlling? I really need to start reading the instruction booklets before I start playing these games. Certainly before I start writing about them.

The giant, shining money is good. Killing octopi is also good. That dragon at the end of the first dungeon, though, he’s a real asshole. I need more hearts before I attempt another dungeon…

One of the best things about this game is that it is GOLD. That’s how I know that it’s GOOD. And I can cut animals with a sword, which is also pretty sweet. Not to mention shooting them with ARROWS. It’s just like deer hunting, except in this game it appears I am ripping these animals’ hearts out and eating them.

Take that, octopus-bitches!

And, while we’re on the subject, what is the deal with all these princesses getting kidnapped? Are they raping them, or what? If not, why take them? If they are, do these hero-guys really want to deal with the years of therapy and psychological healing it’ll take for these sluts to get over it?

If that’s the case, they certainly won’t be putting out any time soon, so what’s the point of saving them?

I’d take some of that giant, shining money and go to the strip club hidden in the sixth dungeon.

Video Game Review: Kid Icarus

So the first thing you notice about your protagonist is that he’s got WINGS. So he should be able to FLY. But he CAN’T. Because he SUCKS. Playing this game is a series of letdowns. It’s kind of fun shooting things with arrows, and completing the various stages, but it really sucks dying all the time and losing a big chunk of your progress.

Another thing you may notice as you grind your way through Icarusland is that there are SO MANY MONSTERS. That might have been a better title for this game. Because fighting monsters one at a time is so passé, better to fight them a dozen at a time.

If you’re playing this game, I suspect you’ve already beaten Metroid, because that’s a much better game. If that’s the case, I’d recommend shelving this one and playing that instead, because that game is soooo freakin’ sweet.

Video Game Review: Dragon Warrior

Erdrick? More like Nerdrick! And what kind of king sends one bepimpled teen with a bamboo stick and the most ridiculous helmet ever to rescue his daughter and save the world? He’s got all these soldiers and tons of tax money, and he sends YOU out on this perilous quest.

What a bastard.

Before this game, a term like ‘level-grinding’ had little meaning for the average gamer. Now, if you want to finish this game (not a prerequisite for living a long and happy life, you know, you could just skip this one altogether…) you’ve got to kill about 1000 slimes before you can even leave the general vicinity of the castle. Sucks, right?

If you play this game, it will piss you off. It will make you question your morality, your sexuality, your rationale for getting out of bed in the morning. This game will make you want to want to slit your wrists as you jump out of a 12th story window while attached to a very long noose (that’s triple suicide—and, yet, still not quite overkill) because you will, at some point, spend a few hours dodging monsters, hoping to end up with some good item and some asshole monster will cast sleep on you, you will be helpless as he proceeds to kill you, and you will have to start over. At which point your controller may fly into the TV, which is probably why they’re as flimsy as they are; this might protect your television to some extent.

With all these problems, I can’t see them making a sequel to this game. There definitely won’t be ten sequels, dozens of spinoffs, and a Saturday morning cartoon. What this game won’t be is one of the single most influential video games of all-time.

Video Game Review: Pinball

This game has some of the most basic graphics I’ve ever seen. If this game is to succeed, it must succeed on its gameplay and its addictiveness, and it does just that. Really…I…can’t…stop…playing…it. I had to cut off my right thumb just to break away from it long enough to write this review.

Luckily, with recent advances in surgery, I can get this iced thumb reattached in no time and be playing Pinball again by tomorrow.

The entire game takes place on 3 screens. You bounce a pinball between them and try not to let your ball fall off the last screen. What I desire is to find a real pinball machine made to these specifications. I’d pay top dollar for it. My boss refuses to get me one, even though I’m sure it could be justified as a business-related expense.

For some reason, Mario appears in this game’s bonus stage trying to save the chick from Donkey Kong. Paulina? I don’t remember. One thing I do know: Mario really gets around. And he loves saving chicks from big monsters, even though their naughty bits have probably been savaged by eleven inches of monster dong.

But, hey, whatever works for you, big M. I’m not here to judge.

Actually, as a reviewer, I am here to judge. To judge this game. I judge it to be great. So great, in fact, that I hereby resign my post at the D’Starkville Diatribe so that I may devote all my minutes and hours to getting 999,999 points.

Oh…my boss has informed me that if I resign, I will lose my health insurance, which I need to get my thumb reattached so that I may play this game again. It’s like the Gift of the Magi, like cruel, cruel fate is punishing me.

I’m about to pass out from blood loss. Avenge me, readers. Avenge me.