Local Bar Full of Assholes

D'Starkville, IN - The D'Starkville Diatribe has learned of a local bar which, astoundingly, manages to be completely full of assholes on any given night. The bar in question, Cobb's Drinkhole, contains every variety of asshole, from the Big Dumb Asshole, all the way down to the Skinny Sarcastic Asshole.

There's a good chance these are the same assholes you went to high school with, and the intensity of their asshole-itude hasn't diminished over time, in fact, it's probably been magnified by years of bitterness and resentment.

It's enough to make you pray for a fire.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Local Man's Band to Play at Bar

D'Starkville, IN - The D'Starkville Diatribe has learned that Billy Andrews' band Rocksnake will be playing at Cobb's Drinkhole on Tuesday at 9:30PM. Those interested in watching this Whitesnake cover band's lackluster renditions of such hits as Don't Break My Heart Again and Would I Lie to You can show up at Cobb's with five dollars for the cover, but should probably bring at least fifty dollars so they can afford to get drunk enough to be able to tolerate Andrew's vomit-inducing vocals.

Rumor has it that Andrews started the band as a way to take his mind off his heroin addiction, an addiction he probably developed as a means of dealing with the shame of sleeping with his cousin, Loretta Andrews.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Wine Flu Infects Millions of Drunks

Sacramento, CA – Hospitals and toilets everywhere are seeing a sharp influx of patients presenting with Wine flu-like symptoms, including dark red vomit, bedspins, and complaints about ‘eating some bad chicken’.

Wine flu has been known to science for thousands of years, but doctors and scientists have yet to find a cure. With the advent of boxed wine, Wine flu has become even more prevalent, with the infected being found at bars, parties, and even weddings.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

New Study Determines Whiskey ‘Delicious’

Lynchburg, TN – A study, funded in part by Jack Daniel’s has determined that, as has long been suspected, whiskey is in fact ‘delicious’. The study consisted of blindfolded subjects taste-testing whiskey versus urine, bleach, and other household cleaning products.

Unanimously, the subjects indicated that the whiskey was the most delicious of the samples they tasted.

Also included in the study were samples of low-carb beer, which were judged to be slightly less delicious than urine, but more delicious than paint thinner.

84% of Americans ‘Drunk Right Now’

Williamsport, NM – A survey conducted by Gloop Polling found that eighty-four percent of those polled were, at the time of polling, inebriated or in the process of getting inebriated. One of the questions used in the poll, ‘How shit-housed are you right now?’ elicited a 72 percent response of ‘Very,’ followed by a 6 percent response of ‘Somewhat,’ with a small percentage of respondents giving the answers of ‘Totally,’ and ‘A little.’

The sample size consisted of six respondents sitting near the pollster in the bar while he was conducting the survey, with a margin of error of ninety-six percent.