Why is Everyone so Obsessed With This Megan Fox Girl?

D'Starkville, IN - Seriously, the Diatribe cannot understand what America's boggle is. She just isn't that hot. She just comes off as trashy, kind of a bitch, and not smart. Actually, that's the answer right there: Americans are dumb, so of course they like dumb girls.

Makes sense.

Still, the extent to which this woman is being fawned over is ridiculous, even for you guys. She_is_just_not_that_attractive.

But hey, whatever floats your boat.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Texting While Driving Leads to More Hook-ups

Jacksonville, FL - The Mayweather Institute of Driving Studies has determined that those who engage in texting while driving have, on average, over twice as many sexual encounters as those who refrain from texting while driving. Roger Potts, a guy with a cell phone, had this to say about the subject:

"Yo, I was textin' this girlie, this fly bitch, and she was all like, 'come over here and let's do it,' and I was all like, 'yeah, that sounds good,' and I went over there and she was all bobbin' up and down on my knob. It was awesome."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Cleveland Browns Ruin Perfect Season by Accidentally Winning A Game

Cleveland, OH - Seeing it written out like that, it looks like someone is saying, 'Cleveland...oh.' Like someone sees the word Cleveland and says 'oh' in disappointment. Much like the perpetual disappointment of being a Cleveland Browns fan.

After ruining their perfect season, the Browns have been debating over whether to forfeit the rest of the season and have the players commit seppuku as a means of atoning for their horrible performance, the coaching staff and management have decided to continue to play football in order to achieve what 13 year-old Steelers fan Chad Bobbins calls an 'epic fail'.

Janitor and Head Coach Phil Harnsworth had this to say, "Our motives are actually really pure. If we were to actually beat another team, which isn't likely, it would be really embarassing for them. By playing horrible football, we allow other teams to bulk up their stats and their wins. This increases the profile of the NFL, and as members of the NFL, we benefit indirectly."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Don't Fall for Tomorrow's Balloon Hoax

Denver, COLORADO - Tomorrow, you may find yourself watching a shiny silver disc float across the dusty plains. You may even find that it's on every channel, being covered by a myriad of news outlets. If they tell you there's a 6 year-old boy inside it, don't believe them.

I'll tell you right now, he'll be hiding in the attic.

Now, you might write this off, after all, nobody's heard about the Heenes since they were on Wife Swap, and they're just not that interesting to begin with. However, tomorrow, they will become instant celebrities, for a moment. After a few days of investigating, the depths of the hoax will be revealed. The child might even throw up on live television.

Now, our source, a respected Jamaican psychic who claims she can see the future, does not always manage to hit the headlines of tomorrow with 100 percent accuracy, we just want to be the first to cover this story, since we think it'll be big.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Menthol Cigarette Exclusion Seen as Racist

Washington, DC - With recent tobacco legislation banning the sale of flavored cigarettes and labels advertising cigarettes as 'light,' many are asking why menthol cigarettes were excluded from these new restrictions. Leading a protest outside the Washington Memorial, Jesse Jackson had this to say:

"You know who smokes menthol cigarettes? Black people. You know who made these rules? White people. The message Congress, a bunch of old white guys, is sending loud and clear is that they don't care if black people get lung cancer and die. So we're out here protesting. And suing. Suing to get money for the people--black people."

Jackson coughed as he lit up a menthol cigarette, saying, "Damn, that's smooth."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Family Guy Continues to Push Limits of Medocrity

Hollywood, CA - Fox's hit television show Family Guy returns for a new season of poop jokes and hastily patched-together noncanonical visual gags on Sundays this fall. Family Guy continues to use all the plot devices of a show whose writers have clearly run out of stories.

Let's have a rundown: time travel? Check. Interdimensional travel? Check. A mediocre character being featured in his own spinoff? Check. Peter in a leather jacket jet-skiing over a shark? Check.

When asked for comment, Seth MacFarlane said, "Our show is beloved by millions of people around the world and continues to be lucrative. Your fake newspaper is read by nobody and makes no money. I can understand why you'd be jealous and write snarky articles."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Michael Moore is Such a Rebel

Flint, MI - Michael Moore, with his new movie Capitalism: A Love Story, continues to tell us everyday working schlubs what's wrong with our society. Moore, whose movies have made him tens of millions of dollars, uses his latest film to point out why a system that allows him to make tens of millions of dollars is bad. When asked for comment, he said:

"This system, which has made me tens of millions of dollars, is bad for Americans, and also for me, even though, like I said, it's made me tens of millions of dollars."

When asked if that meant he would give the money back, Moore laughed.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Probe Sent to Uranus

Houston, TX - A group of nerds with glasses and pocket protectors, NASA, have decided it's time Uranus got probed. Using the largest probe ever sent to Uranus, NASA, according to Rocket Scientist Darryl Hammerdine, says, "We really want to get in there, get into Uranus, and take a look around."

In the past, getting a probe to Uranus has been rough, but with recent advances in technology, NASA plans to 'astro-glide' the probe straight to Uranus.

Hammerdine has promised there will be lots of pictures of Uranus on the internet after the project is complete.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Wham!: Rock Band to be Released Next Month

Atlanta, GA - While the Beatles version of Rock Band had limited appeal, Electronic Arts hopes to capture the attention (and dollars) of the masses with the latest entry in the Rock Band series, Wham!: Rock Band.

While critics have always respected the band's artistic integrity, the release of Wham!: Rock Band leaves some pundits skeptical about the motives of George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley, the duo behind Wham!

Says blogger and all-around asshole Josh Harper, "It used to be about the music for Wham! but now it feels like they're just trying to cash in."

Random guy Eddie Scruggs had this to say about the upcoming release, "You know, they used to play that goddamn Wake Me Up Before You Go Go song like all the time, and now that crap's gonna start all over again. And don't get me started on Last Christmas."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Aliens Thwart US Plan to Blow Up Moon

Moon, THE - As a NASA rocket using 'kinetic energy' to 'impact the Moon' to 'test the ejecta plume for water' neared its target, the promised live video feed of the event was cut. While NASA is officially blaming the loss of the feed on 'technical issues,' the final frames of live video sent over the web clearly depict saucer-like objects closing in on the camera.

Astronomers with powerful telescopes are feverishly blogging to anyone that will listen that the promised impact never occurred, reporting instead that the rocket and its companion probe exploded before they hit the surface.

NASA and the US government have imposed a media embargo on the entire event, instead insisting that malfunctions cut the feed and that the event was a 'total success'.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Sarah Palin Refuses to Just Go Away

Moosecock, AK - Despite losing the presidential election, resigning as governor of Alaska, and being roundly criticized for her cheerfully ignorant demeanor, Sarah Palin refuses to do the one thing everybody wants her to do: just GO AWAY.

When asked why she keeps grasping desperately for the attention of an irritated public, Palin said, "Is it because I'm an attention whore with no substance behind my mavericky-yet-blue-collar persona? You betcha!"

When asked about Sarah Palin, Russian puppeteer Vladimir Putin said, "We don't need to see her on the news, we can see her house from here."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Automakers Continue to Produce Ugly Cars

Detroit, MI - Despite nearly a decade of sagging auto sales and an overwhelming backlash from consumers, nearly every major automaker has continued to produce progressively uglier cars. It's a trend that started decades ago with Fieros and El Caminos and continues through the present with Avalanches and Hummers. Auto Sales Analyst Burt Weener explains:

"Automakers are so caught up with 'futuristic' designs that they've lost sight of what people actually want, which is 'cool-looking' designs that will get them some tail. Trying to get laid in a Prius? Fat chance. And with these next-generation hybrids and electric cars, the planet may live a little longer but auto aesthetics will likely be dealt a painful deathblow."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Hubble Captures Image of Cosmic Boobs

Houston, TX - NASA scientists using the Hubble Telescope to probe the outer reaches of space have snapped an image bearing a strong resemblance to a pair of well-endowed female breasts.

Says scientist Marcus Ribbs, "It just goes to show that the universe really does revolve around breasts. They're an integral part of the fundamental forces driving existence."

Dubbed the 'Sweater Puppy Nebula', the image captures two side-by-side red stars surrounded by tiny red blobs, both encased by perfectly spherical pink blobs. Ribbs continued:

"In some ways this convinces me of Intelligent Design, or, better yet, Perverted Design."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Economists Predict Big Pay Increases for Economists

New York City, NY - A group of economists at the New York Institute of Economics published a report forecasting a large increase in the salaries and rates paid to economists. Samuel Himes, one of the economists involved in preparing the report, said:

"We expect the salaries to increase dramatically, consistently, year after year. The best way for employers of economists to deal with these forecasted pay increases is probably to give hefty bonuses and pre-emptive raises as an incentive to keep economists from jumping ship to other companies."

According to the New York Times classified ads, the going rate for an economist to speak at your gathering is $3.00 per hour.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Tyler Perry Not Funny

Los Angeles, CA - After an exhaustive search for someone who thinks Tyler Perry is funny, the D'Starkville Diatribe was unable to find even one person. And we weren't alone. Gloop Polls did a telephone survey of over 1000 individuals to try and find someone who thought Tyler Perry's penchant for dressing up like a fat old woman was even slightly amusing and couldn't find even one individual who did.

"There could be multiple explanations for this," says Gloop founder Rodney Schenck, "people may not want to admit that they find him funny, or the demographic that does find him funny does not own telephones, or it could be that he's terribly funny and everybody in the world is just too stupid to realize it."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Link Between UFO Abductees and Mental Illness

Stuttgart, CA - Researchers have drawn a link between UFO abductees and mental illness. Utilizing MUFON reports from as far back as 1985, researchers have found a 100 percent correlation between abductees and 'being complete nutjobs'.

"Those researchers are just part of the conspiracy to silence us, man," says Jamie Hillard, an abuctee, "disinformation, misinformation, they brought down the Towers, they're the same ones who deny that Obama is a Lizardman and Hilary Clinton authorized the Kennedy Assasination in 2004 using time-traveling assassins. You think it's a coincidence? Do you? Who are you, anyway? Why are you recording this? I know what you're up to man. You might be able to silence me, but you'll never be able to silence the movement. You'll never silence the truth!"

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Cooties Causes Cancer in Laboratory Rats

Rockefeller, NY - Scientists studying the effects of cooties in laboratory animals have found a strong correllation between infected animals and the development of cancer, particularly cancer of the genitals.

Says Bell Green, one of the researchers, "All these years we've been downplaying the severity of cooties, only to find that it's a killer as strong as, if not stronger than, smoking."

Children who have contracted cooties are advised not to touch other children, especially girls, as girls are especially virulent carriers of the disease.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Jay Leno Show Expanded to 6 Hour Daily Format

New York City, NY - With the success of Jay Leno's new show, NBC executives have decided to cancel all of their other evening programming and replace it with Jay Leno from 5-11pm, Monday through Friday.

NBC spokesman Phil Garrety explained, "Until we can work out a six-hour daily format, we will be running the same daily episode six times per day. While we realize that six hours is a lot of time to fill, especially for one person, we have ideas. For example, why not have a two-hour segment where Jay is watching shows on other networks and providing his patented commentary? I'd watch that."

Affilliates across the country are up in arms over NBC's strongarm tactics, which they feel have undermined their authority to choose their own programming. Says one station owner, "What about the freakin' news? And then we have to show Jimmy Fallon? Ridiculous."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Nintendo Capitulates to MOTHER Fans...Sort of

Redmond, WA - Nintendo has announced plans to produce all three games of the MOTHER series in English for the DS and Wii systems--in 3D. The move is seen as a response to the series' rabid fanbase, primarily members of Starmen.net who have coordinated various telephone, letter, and e-mail campaigns to try to persuade Nintendo to give the games more exposure in the US.

In a statement, Reggie Fils-aime, President of Nintendo of America, said, "Oh yes, we love the MOTHER games and we've actually been eager to play 3D versions of them in English for some time, but due to copyright and censorship issues and the small size of the fanbase, it just isn't feasible. However, we've got tons of money and we can do whatever we want, so we're having our top programmer whip up a batch of prototypes for us to play on the DS and Wii systems. They won't be released outside of headquarters, but we'll probably put up a few screenshots to show the MOTHER fans what a good time we're having."

In addition to the remakes, there will also be a sequel, MOTHER 4, which will also be an internal release. Reggie continued:

"Our plan is to have a contest, and the winner of this contest will be allowed to visit Nintendo HQ and watch us play the sequel and the other games. No, they won't get to play, of course, but afterward they'll be able to blog about it to all their friends. Should be good times."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Fishmongers Mourn Downfall of Newspapers

Schuster, MT - Fishmongers from New Hampshire to Florida are mourning the deaths of newspapers across the country. As the price of an ever-decreasing supply of newspapers goes up, fishwrap has gotten harder and harder to come by.

"I can't wrap my fish with reuters.co.uk or nytimes.com," says fisherman Paul Swallows.

Fishmongers have had to come up with new ways to wrap their daily catch.

"Luckily, I still get plenty of junk mail, so I've been wrapping my fish with that," says one.

Another fisherman says he's been printing up FoxNews articles and wrapping his fish with that.