Somali Pirates Hijack American Town

Biloxi, MS - Armed with AK-47's, nearly two dozen Somali pirates have stormed the town of Biloxi, Mississippi, holding residents hostage and demanding ten million dollars in ransom.

With naval forces from China, Japan, Germany, and others patrolling the coast of Somalia, the pirates have had to move further and further out of their comfort zone. Flush with millions of dollars of ransom money from past payments, the pirates are well-armed and growing bolder.

One of the pirates, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "We accidentally dropped our GPS unit in the ocean, and really had no idea where we were going. A few weeks later, we ended up here in Biloxi. It's a really nice town. If you want it back, you must pay us ten million dollars."

Already dealing with the challenges of a sagging economy and a sabre-rattling North Korea, President Obama's approach in dealing with this crisis has been widely criticized.

Rob Andrews, a resident of Jackson, was one of the critics, saying, "Can't shoot them because they're not American citizens? We can't re-take the town until they get green cards and become subject to U.S. laws? What a load of liberal crap. Still, Biloxi's kind of a dump. We should just let 'em keep it."

According to the latest Gallup poll, it seems most Mississipians agree with Andrews, with over 85 percent in favor of not paying the pirates' ransom, as the funds would have to come from a new tax proposed by Governor Haley Barbour.

85% of Americans Suffer from Total Cerebral Necrosis

Nashville, KY - A new study being released this week by the Lyons Institute reveals that over 85 percent of Americans suffer from a condition doctors are calling 'complete end-stage cerebral necrosis'.

Possible causes of the condition have been identified as: reality television, overuse of cellphones, common sense deficiencies (CSD), and Rush Limbaugh.

"In the last ten years alone, cases of cerebral necrosis have quadrupled, encompassing nearly all of the South and most of the rural areas covering the rest of the country," states researcher David Newton.

"I guess in many ways it was inevitable. We're actually shutting the research program down due to lack of interest, plus we all want to get home in time to watch American Idol. I can't believe they haven't voted that blind guy off yet. He's no Stevie Wonder, as we all learned last week."

Currently, there is no known cure for cerebral necrosis.

Doctors Complete First Successful Brain Transplant

Orlando, FL - Doctors at the University of Miami Medical Center have completed what they are calling the 'first successful brain transplant.'

Neurosurgeon Ed Andrews explained the procedure.

"Basically, we took out the old brain and put in a new one."

The patient, whose name has not been released, in accordance with medical confidentiality laws, was declared braindead three days ago after parasites devoured much of the soft tissue in his frontal lobe.

His brother explained how the family had almost given up hope, saying, "Well, you see, our family had almost given up hope."

But thanks to a new law passed last year by Florida's state legislature, the organs of death row inmates who have been executed or have pending executions can be made available to patients who would benefit from them. It was because of this law that an organ from convicted serial rapist and Republican commentator Errol Killins became a gift, giving a braindead patient a new shot at life.

"Daddy seems different since the operation," said the 12-year old daughter of the transplant recipient, "he says he wants to take me camping."

When asked how he felt about the procedure, the patient stated, "I woke up with a fat wife and a beer belly, which totally sucks, but the doctors say I'll be out of the hospital next week, and I plan to live life to the fullest."

Obama Adopts Monopoly Money as National Currency

Washington, DC - Barack Obama made history yet again today, giving a speech on Last Call with Carson Daly where he explained how money from the board game Monopoly will become the new national standard.

"Gone are the days when Americans on Baltic Avenue have to bow to the demands of Uncle Moneybags leering down from his hotel on Park Place."

When Carson Daly asked about inflation, Obama responded, "Each American will get a stimulus bonus of $15,140, regardless of his or her income. With this money, they'll be able to buy houses, cars, and even thimbles. And those who take advantage of Americans by putting hotels on their properties will go directly to jail, and will not collect two hundred dollars."

Asked how he felt about the new laws outlawing the wealthy from taking money from the Free Parking space, Water Works employee John Mitchell said, "They'll just hire lawyers to roll them doubles and be right back on the street in less than three turns."

Political pundit Rush Limbaugh took a harsher tack:

"Obama neglected to mention in his speech that the government bailout of all four national railroads gives him a monopoly, and that hard-working Americans will be spending most of their stimulus money on transportation."

Failed presidential candidate John McCain was also less-than-enthusiastic, stating, "By mortgaging our Illinois Avenues and our St. James Places, we'll be forcing our children to circle around in an endless circuit, just trying to make ends meet."

Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska's 'community chest,' was busy acting in her upcoming adult film debut and could not be reached for comment.

Zombie Party Endorses McCain

Pittsburgh, PA - The leader of the Zombie Party, Ephraim Klipspringer, said in a statement given at the annual Monroeville Mall Zombie Walk, that his party, "ambles aimlessly behind, er, stands behind McCain 100 percent."

He continued, "During these tough economic times, we need a candidate who gives us what we really need--mountains and mountains of brains. With four more catastrophic years of Bush-like economic policy, the ensuing apocalyptic climate will be ideal for harvesting brains."

When asked why she favored McCain, Zombie Party member Elaine Smith said, "Living candidates just don't understand the needs of our community, but McCain, that guy gets it."

While Obama has stated that he is "willing to meet with the zombies without precondition," recent polls show that the majority of the nation's zombies aren't impressed by this gesture.

"Initially, I'd heard a rumor that he was born in Haiti, and that was promising, and I was also very impressed that he wasn't pro-life. In the end, though, you gotta go with your gut, and my gut tells me that McCain will deliver the brains."

Graveyard zombie Ron Pulley was less enthusiastic. "People said the Bush administration would bring us brains, but in the last eight years I haven't seen a brain between the lot of them."

Palin Already Forgotten

Moosecock, AK - At 11:00pm, as Sarah Palin's fifteen minutes of fame expired, she was promptly forgotten by the world. Republican Party officials have reportedly asked to be repaid 150,000 dollars she spent on clothing.

An AP poll showed that within 24 hours of losing the election, her name recogniton had dropped below 10 percent, with respondents referring to her variously as 'the one with the glasses,' 'that mayor chick,' and 'that sweet little mentally-disabled lady'.

Our sources have learned that, in an effort to retain a piece of her rapidly-fading relevance, Ms. Palin has offered to star as herself in the upcoming pornographic film Nailin' Palin II: Mavericky Mommas.

Even Tina Fey, whose Palin impression has attracted record ratings for Saturday Night Live, seemed to forget the woman she's been lampooning for the past few months. "Sarah something...Sarah Silverman? I forget her name, but I think I recall her having great taste in glasses frames."

Sarah Palin was last seen palling around with the also-forgotten 90's television star Dustin Diamond.

Bush Appoints McCain 'High Chancellor'

Washington, DC - In a historically precedented move, President Bush created the office of 'High Chancellor' and appointed Senator McCain to the position.

The High Chancellor will function as the head of the Department of Homeland Security and the Armed Forces, and will be allowed to appoint his own advisors. The office of President, to which most of these duties were formerly assigned, will become a largely ceremonial post. Dick Cheney has volunteered to serve as the Chief Advisor to the High Chancellor.

Bush's press secretary, Dana Perino, released the following statement:

"We decided the time was right to follow in Russia's footsteps by reallocating the presidential powers to a position immune to variables like voting and elections. We trust that most Americans are so swept up in Obama's historic victory that they're not really paying attention."

There is no term limit on the office of High Chancellor, and the Chief Advisor is allowed to choose a new High Chancellor in the event of death or retirement.

Joe Plummer, like most Americans, was largely unmoved by this announcement. "Well, McCain may not get to be President, but at least he'll still have a job."