Obama Finally Achieves World Peace

Washington, DC - President Obama, with the assistance of the world leaders of every nation on Earth, has finally achieved what was once thought impossible: permanent world peace.

Working with the UN, Obama sponsored a resolution requesting that 'all nations should stop all this 'war' jive and get on the peace bus.' Every nation, including typical holdouts like Venzuela, North Korea, and Iran, decided to sign the non-binding document.

Israel and Palestine were both signatories to the document, and even in the Gaza Strip, where gunfire could still be heard ringing through the streets, one resident proclaimed, "World peace feels a lot like war."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Obamacare to Insure Pets

Washington, DC – In a speech to a group of dog owners at Paul Revere Memorial Park, President Obama revealed his latest tactic in garnering support for his proposal for socialized medicine: insuring pets.

“For too long have our four-legged friends suffered with medical maladies, which have oftentimes cost them their lives, for want of decent healthcare. All this suffering simply because we can’t ‘afford’ to save our pets? Shit, brother, if the problem is money, we’ve got oodles and oodles of it. Didn’t you see that 2 trillion we gave to the banks? No? If we run out, we can print more of it. If that doesn’t work, we can just keep writing China IOUs.

“No Portuguese Water Dog of mine is going to die of leukemia just because ‘the government’ doesn’t think he should receive treatment. I AM THE GOVERNMENT, and I say let sleeping dogs LIVE!”

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Obama to Speak to Nation’s Prisoners

Washington, DC - President Obama is scheduled to give a speech this week to prisoners incarcerated across the US. The speech will be broadcast live to every medium- and high-security facility in the continental United States.

The topics of the speech will be healthcare reform and the economy. An excerpt from the planned speech is reproduced below:

“We want every American to enjoy the quality healthcare you are currently receiving in our first-class correctional institutions. When/if you are ever released, it’s your duty to convince your fellow Americans, by force if necessary, of the benefits of mandatory health care.

“And when you are released, many of you may find yourselves stealing cars. Please remember that it is your patriotic duty to steal foreign cars, which will in turn drive auto sales, preferably sales of American-made cars.”

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Obamacare to Insure Democrats Only

WASHINGTON, DC - As the latest version of the hotly-disputed healthcare bill passed the House and made its way to the Senate, Republican lawmakers are up in arms about the latest provision tacked onto the legislation.

This latest provision stipulates that while everyone is allowed to purchase the government-funded insurance, surgeries, outpatient and inpatient visits will only be covered for 'patriotic Americans registered with the Democratic party.'

Obama has supported the measure, saying, "This will effectively cut the cost of the program in half, and over time, as Republicans are weeded out of the population, costs are projected to decrease even further."

Paul Dipshitz, a Republican senator from Iowa, disagrees. "While it's controversial, I doubt this provision will really make all that much of a difference. Most Republicans already have health insurance through their jobs, you know, because they do have jobs, and don't receive welfare benefits. So they'll be covered even when this ridiculous program fails. Me? As a senator I have really good health insurance, so I'm not too worried about it."

Obama Not US Citizen

Washington, DC - President Obama resigned today, responding to allegations that he is not actually a United States Citizen. He gave his resignation speech in front of thousands at The Mall.

"You figured me out. You know, what amazed me was that I was able to make it all the way through this process without anyone asking to see my birth certificate. I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids..er..Republicans."

Equally surprising was the newly-discovered fine print in the Constitution detailing that 'in the event an eleckted prezident is determined not to be a US citizen, the prezidency will then default to the prior prezident for the rest of the turm.'

While this section of the Constitution was written on the back of the document in crayon, and contained numerous misspellings, Republican legal scholars have advised that 'because it's written on the Constitution, it's legal.'

UFOs Continue to Taunt Lunatics

Roswell, NM - UFOs continue to taunt local nutbags without interference from government authorities despite mounting evidence. Randall Crane is one of these nutbags.

"Them UFOs put flaming poop bags on my doorstep, then they flew away in their saucers."When asked if they were also the ones who violated three of his sheep, Crane responded, "Uh...yeah. The UFOs."

Local nutjobs have been collecting evidence against their alien tormentors for years, but the government just won't cave under the mountain of dramatic evidence including: first-hand accounts from drunk people, blurry photographs, and strange tattooos.

President Obama has stated he is 'willing to negotiate with our alien overlords whenever they decide to make their presence publicly known.'

More Media Coverage for Michael Jackson than 9/11

New York, NY - A research study conducted by the Kinsling Institute has proven that Michael Jackson's death has received more media coverage than 9/11.

Scott Rieber, one of the journalists involved in the study, said, "You have to understand, more people were affected by the tragedy of Michael Jackson's untimely death than a few planes crashing."

The study involved the number of articles published in major news outlets and the amount of time each network devoted to a number of topics. According to the Kinsling Institute, the only other topic in history to receive more media coverage [than Jackson's death] was President Obama's Portuguese Water Dog. His inauguration trailed slightly behind Michael Jackson's death.

Hawaii Launches Missile at North Korea

HONOLULU, HI - The state of Hawaii unilaterally launched a missile at North Korea today, apparently as a preemptive measure against the DPRK's planned launch. Hawaii's launch was apparently carried out without the aid of the US military because, according to one Honolulu resident, "that wouldn't be a fair fight."

The missile was constructed from a sewer pipe and Mexican fireworks, a level of sophistication the North Koreans aren't expected to reach for another 'three to six years,' according to an unnamed source inside the Pentagon.

The low-tech missile struck Pyongyang at 8:31 AM, local time, destroying both the nation's only cell phone tower and three of the four buildings in North Korea known to have electricity.

While US President Barack Obama has not officially condoned or condemned Hawaii's actions, a clip circulating on YouTube shows Obama watching the destruction in real-time and chuckling.

The UN is reportedly considering sanctions against Hawaii.

Texan Secedes from Union

Dallas, TX - A man in Lubbock has done what others in his state have only dreamt of doing--seceding from the United States of America. While others were protesting in the streets outside Lubbock's one-room courthouse/post office/7-11, Leroy Jenkem was inside filing the necessary paperwork to form his own nation, while also purchasing a Slushee and some stamps.

"I'm fed up with taxes. With being attacked by pirates. With ten trillion dollars of debt. The way I figure, it's time to wipe the slate clean," says Jenkem, who was once convicted of felony mopery.

Rod Throbbins, attorney and adult film star, says legally there's not a lot the US government or the state of Texas can do to stop Jenkem.

"The Texas state constitution heavily favors the rights of the state and the rights of the individual. Nowhere does it specifically state that an individual cannot secede and form his own government."

In addition, Jenkem's 'crazy' plan has attracted the support of a powerful ally: Governor Rick Perry, who said, "Texas has decided to recognize his fledgling government. The position of the US has always been to support new democracies, which Jenkem's government clearly is. After all, didn't we found this nation in order to dodge taxes and avoid the reach of an overbearing government?"

After locking his front gate and raising the flag of his new nation, Jenkem immediately declared that he has several nuclear warheads hidden in an undisclosed location. President Obama reacted by suggesting that the US institute six-party talks between his own government, Mexico, Cuba, Venezuela, France, Japan, and The Republic of New Jenkem.

In response, Jenkem has stated that he will go along with disarmament and re-join the Union if he is given humanitarian aid in the form of ten million dollars in small, unmarked bills.Obama is reportedly giving the proposal serious consideration.

Somali Pirates Hijack American Town

Biloxi, MS - Armed with AK-47's, nearly two dozen Somali pirates have stormed the town of Biloxi, Mississippi, holding residents hostage and demanding ten million dollars in ransom.

With naval forces from China, Japan, Germany, and others patrolling the coast of Somalia, the pirates have had to move further and further out of their comfort zone. Flush with millions of dollars of ransom money from past payments, the pirates are well-armed and growing bolder.

One of the pirates, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "We accidentally dropped our GPS unit in the ocean, and really had no idea where we were going. A few weeks later, we ended up here in Biloxi. It's a really nice town. If you want it back, you must pay us ten million dollars."

Already dealing with the challenges of a sagging economy and a sabre-rattling North Korea, President Obama's approach in dealing with this crisis has been widely criticized.

Rob Andrews, a resident of Jackson, was one of the critics, saying, "Can't shoot them because they're not American citizens? We can't re-take the town until they get green cards and become subject to U.S. laws? What a load of liberal crap. Still, Biloxi's kind of a dump. We should just let 'em keep it."

According to the latest Gallup poll, it seems most Mississipians agree with Andrews, with over 85 percent in favor of not paying the pirates' ransom, as the funds would have to come from a new tax proposed by Governor Haley Barbour.

Obama Adopts Monopoly Money as National Currency

Washington, DC - Barack Obama made history yet again today, giving a speech on Last Call with Carson Daly where he explained how money from the board game Monopoly will become the new national standard.

"Gone are the days when Americans on Baltic Avenue have to bow to the demands of Uncle Moneybags leering down from his hotel on Park Place."

When Carson Daly asked about inflation, Obama responded, "Each American will get a stimulus bonus of $15,140, regardless of his or her income. With this money, they'll be able to buy houses, cars, and even thimbles. And those who take advantage of Americans by putting hotels on their properties will go directly to jail, and will not collect two hundred dollars."

Asked how he felt about the new laws outlawing the wealthy from taking money from the Free Parking space, Water Works employee John Mitchell said, "They'll just hire lawyers to roll them doubles and be right back on the street in less than three turns."

Political pundit Rush Limbaugh took a harsher tack:

"Obama neglected to mention in his speech that the government bailout of all four national railroads gives him a monopoly, and that hard-working Americans will be spending most of their stimulus money on transportation."

Failed presidential candidate John McCain was also less-than-enthusiastic, stating, "By mortgaging our Illinois Avenues and our St. James Places, we'll be forcing our children to circle around in an endless circuit, just trying to make ends meet."

Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska's 'community chest,' was busy acting in her upcoming adult film debut and could not be reached for comment.