Book Review: You Can be the Awesomest

A self-help book? Why? I don't understand why I can't review something by Chabon or Murakami. What next, moneymaking scam books? Joel Tarder's book You Can be the Awesomest is a good book for you if you're a mouth-breathing Oprahphile.

Clearly, there's no way I'm going to read this book, but juding from our audience, I'm sure all of you will rush right out to pick up this gem so you can leave it prominently displayed in your lavatories and visitors to your house will be able to see just how friggin' retarded you are.

If common sense phrased as encouraging commands is something you think will improve your life, by all means go ahead and give this Tarder guy twenty bucks. If that's not enough, pay the extra fifty and go to his seminar. Motivation? Do you have any idea how much pornography you could buy for twenty bucks? Some. And I guarantee that will make you more productive.

You Can be the Awesomest

Joel Tarder

Totally Not a Scam Publishing

Retail Price: $34.95

Book Review: The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men

I have the worst job in the world. Honestly, I'm surprised women are even able to write books. Tina Hesper's book, The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men, will apparently teach you how to properly use battery-powered self-lovin' machines and successfully lick carpet for the rest of your days. While the chick on the cover is pretty hot, I'm not going to waste my time reading Feminazi propaganda.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about an interesting episode of Murder Solvers I saw the other night. So this millionaire's wife gets killed, and, of course, they think the millionaire did it, but it turns out it was her high school English teacher. I mean, that's brilliant! Who would ever suspect a high school English teacher of a murder? Classic Murder Solvers.

Murder Solvers is on DBC every Wednesday at 8:30.

The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men
Tina Hesper
Pantybuncher Publishing
Retail price: $19.95

Book Review: Defecating Your Way to a Thinner You

Nina Taylor's new book, Defecating Your Way to a Thinner You hits bookshelves this winter. Should you read it? Well, that's the question my whip-cracking superiors are paying me to answer for you.

To be fair, reader, I haven't read this book. It's occupying space on the desk in front of me. It features a thin, beautiful woman standing next to a toilet and smiling daemonically. She's kind of hot. I wonder if she knew what she was actually posing for when this picture was taken, as it looks like she was photoshopped in.

If she did know, she's probably desperate for work. To be that desperate and that good-looking means she has low self-esteem. Okay, so, if any of you recognize this girl, or can suggest a way for me to get in contact with her to ask her out on a date, let me know.

Defecating Your Way to a Thinner You

Nina Taylor

Porcelain Publishing

Retail price: $14.95