Kim Jong Il Commits 'Most Spectacular Suicide Ever'

Pyongyang, NK - Four minutes after a North Korean missile crossed into Japanese airspace, the United States Navy shot down the missile and launched a counterstrike, hitting Pyongyang with a tactical nuclear warhead.

Spokesman for the Defense Department Ron Andrews said, "Yeah, man, it was awesome. We watched it hit on this little screen and it was all like, ka-boom!"A Navy engineer, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, "[Jong Il] wasn't hard to find. We just shot a nuke at the only house in North Korea with electricity."

The dictator's remains were identified afterwards, described as a 'charred, four-foot tall corpse wearing Nike sneakers.' Survivors of the blast were surprisingly unmoved by the death of their leader, with one citizen asking, "Do you have any food?"

China has expressed an interest in leasing the country, with plans to build a giant parking lot for its 1.8 billion citizens.

UFOs Fight Zombies and Pirates in North Korea

Pyongyang, NK - It's chaos here! In its first 'proxy war' in decades, UFOs have descended on Pyongyang, decimating everything in their path with their plasma blasters and space lasers.

While the UFOs, thought to be here at the behest of the United States, are ravaging the already ravaged nation, zombies (possibly from China) and pirates (we're told they are lost Somalis) are defending the starving and confused citizens of North Korea.

The images and video we've seen and posted so far have been specacular, and there are enough explosions to make a new Transformers movie, but the mainstream media seems to be uniform in its decision to ignore this story. The media embargo will be hard to maintain, as it seems the mayhem is visible even from the International Space Station.

We will keep you posted with more information as we receive it.