Don't Fall for Tomorrow's Balloon Hoax

Denver, COLORADO - Tomorrow, you may find yourself watching a shiny silver disc float across the dusty plains. You may even find that it's on every channel, being covered by a myriad of news outlets. If they tell you there's a 6 year-old boy inside it, don't believe them.

I'll tell you right now, he'll be hiding in the attic.

Now, you might write this off, after all, nobody's heard about the Heenes since they were on Wife Swap, and they're just not that interesting to begin with. However, tomorrow, they will become instant celebrities, for a moment. After a few days of investigating, the depths of the hoax will be revealed. The child might even throw up on live television.

Now, our source, a respected Jamaican psychic who claims she can see the future, does not always manage to hit the headlines of tomorrow with 100 percent accuracy, we just want to be the first to cover this story, since we think it'll be big.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Obama Finally Achieves World Peace

Washington, DC - President Obama, with the assistance of the world leaders of every nation on Earth, has finally achieved what was once thought impossible: permanent world peace.

Working with the UN, Obama sponsored a resolution requesting that 'all nations should stop all this 'war' jive and get on the peace bus.' Every nation, including typical holdouts like Venzuela, North Korea, and Iran, decided to sign the non-binding document.

Israel and Palestine were both signatories to the document, and even in the Gaza Strip, where gunfire could still be heard ringing through the streets, one resident proclaimed, "World peace feels a lot like war."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Aliens Thwart US Plan to Blow Up Moon

Moon, THE - As a NASA rocket using 'kinetic energy' to 'impact the Moon' to 'test the ejecta plume for water' neared its target, the promised live video feed of the event was cut. While NASA is officially blaming the loss of the feed on 'technical issues,' the final frames of live video sent over the web clearly depict saucer-like objects closing in on the camera.

Astronomers with powerful telescopes are feverishly blogging to anyone that will listen that the promised impact never occurred, reporting instead that the rocket and its companion probe exploded before they hit the surface.

NASA and the US government have imposed a media embargo on the entire event, instead insisting that malfunctions cut the feed and that the event was a 'total success'.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Sarah Palin Refuses to Just Go Away

Moosecock, AK - Despite losing the presidential election, resigning as governor of Alaska, and being roundly criticized for her cheerfully ignorant demeanor, Sarah Palin refuses to do the one thing everybody wants her to do: just GO AWAY.

When asked why she keeps grasping desperately for the attention of an irritated public, Palin said, "Is it because I'm an attention whore with no substance behind my mavericky-yet-blue-collar persona? You betcha!"

When asked about Sarah Palin, Russian puppeteer Vladimir Putin said, "We don't need to see her on the news, we can see her house from here."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Internet 'One Snatch Away From Meltdown'

Silicon Valley, CA - The Internet, a computer network built by NASA scientists as a means of distributing pictures of Britney Spears' vagina, is on the brink of imminent collapse, according to network analyst Ron Powers.

"Look at the massive network strain witnessed after the Paris Hilton sex tape was released, and let's be honest, she's a skank. Imagine what would happen if nude pictures or videos were released of a celebrity who's actually attractive."

Internet providers are taking no chances. Comcast and Verizon are piloting programs to implement bandwidth caps to prevent such a scenario from unfolding.

Ron Powers' company, SpiderWeb Logistics International, has been running simulations to predict exactly what kind of fallout to expect.

"Say pictures of Jessica Alba's vagina were to surface, we categorize this as a 'Class C Catastrophe' where developing countries would lose network access entirely and ATM cards would cease to work worldwide for upwards of three days.

"Now, let's imagine the Olsen Twins released a lesbian porno. We don't even have a way to categorize such an event; that's what we refer to as a 'Global Killer.'"

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

RETRACTION: Cameroon Not Real Country

D'Starkville, IN - Our staff would like to apologize for an inaccurate article we printed disputing the existence of the nation of Cameroon. We were hesitant to acknowledge the country as a real place because of its dumb and made-up sounding name, but after a deluge of letters and e-mails and a quick trip to Google Maps (which could be a digital hoax, you know, not everything you see on the internet is real...) we are forced to concede that Cameroon probably does exist.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Google to Celebrate Boob Day with New Logo

Mountain View, CA - The internet search behemoth Google, well known for altering their logo to commemorate such events as Thomas Edison's birthday and the 20th anniversary of Zero Wing, has secretly commissioned graphic designers to alter their logo in honor of National Breast Appreciation Day, held annually on September 28th.

The two O's in the Google logo will, of course, be made to resemble a nice set of knockers, but the style and design have yet to be decided. Mock-ups have included breasts resembling those of such starlets as Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry.

Once chosen, the Google-approved boobs will be seen by billions of Internetters around the world. It's been reported that amateurs desperate for a shot at fame have been e-mailing Google pictures of their tits for consideration in the new logo.

Says co-founder Larry Page, "With millions of pictures of boobs in my inbox, I wish there were some way to cash in on this...oh, wait, maybe I can use the internet somehow."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Final Fantasy XIII to Feature Boobs

Tokyo, JP - In its thirteenth incarnation, our sources have determined that the newest Final Fantasy game will feature boobs. While screenshots of the boobs in question have not been officially released, our sources were able to locate leaked images of the boobs.

When questioned about the boobs, a source at SquareEnix stated something in Japanese, which we didn't understand, but we think they said, "We've been making these games for 20 years. We felt it was time to reward our players with a little bit of boob. The technology to render these boobs has come a long way since the NES days."

This is not Final Fantasy's first foray into boobland. Over the years, there have been many instances of 'mythical boob' on characters like Terra (Esper form) in FFVI, Jenova in FFVII, and many of the female monster sprites in various iterations of the games. However, FFXIII will be the first game to feature full-frontal human female 'erotic boob' in fully-rendered, perfectly-tanned, jiggling 3-D.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Pope Admits Catholicism a Sham

Vatican City, VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict revealed today in a candid interview that the religion of Catholicism is just a big scam.

"It started a few thousand years ago. There were these old, creepy guys who basically wanted to find a way to diddle little kids all day, avoid work, and prance around in fancy costumes. So they got together and set up this system. I mean c'mon, our mascot is a naked guy nailed to wood. Nothing says BDSM like that, right?"

Archbishop Montenegro Rattlesham clarified the Pope's comments, saying, "The old man's off his meds. Don't publish this."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Pittsburgh to Shut Off Electricity, Water for G-20

Pittsburgh, PA - Pittsburgh, set to host the G-20 in 2 weeks, will have to undergo some temporary changes to accomodate political and business leaders. Bus traffic will come to a halt, interstates will be closed, and according to Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, electricity and water service will be suspended throughout the greater Pittsburgh area for the duration of the summit.

"This will serve two functions, the first being to ensure that our guests have enough resources, and the second will aid in keeping our city secure. Hard to coordinate an attack without electricity, you know."

In addition to suspending electricity and water and bus service, schools are set to be closed during the G-20 summit. Ravenstahl continued:

"If there were a way to take oxygen away from our residents [in order to facilitate the G-20] believe me, we'd do it."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Kim Jong Il Commits 'Most Spectacular Suicide Ever'

Pyongyang, NK - Four minutes after a North Korean missile crossed into Japanese airspace, the United States Navy shot down the missile and launched a counterstrike, hitting Pyongyang with a tactical nuclear warhead.

Spokesman for the Defense Department Ron Andrews said, "Yeah, man, it was awesome. We watched it hit on this little screen and it was all like, ka-boom!"A Navy engineer, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, "[Jong Il] wasn't hard to find. We just shot a nuke at the only house in North Korea with electricity."

The dictator's remains were identified afterwards, described as a 'charred, four-foot tall corpse wearing Nike sneakers.' Survivors of the blast were surprisingly unmoved by the death of their leader, with one citizen asking, "Do you have any food?"

China has expressed an interest in leasing the country, with plans to build a giant parking lot for its 1.8 billion citizens.

UFOs Fight Zombies and Pirates in North Korea

Pyongyang, NK - It's chaos here! In its first 'proxy war' in decades, UFOs have descended on Pyongyang, decimating everything in their path with their plasma blasters and space lasers.

While the UFOs, thought to be here at the behest of the United States, are ravaging the already ravaged nation, zombies (possibly from China) and pirates (we're told they are lost Somalis) are defending the starving and confused citizens of North Korea.

The images and video we've seen and posted so far have been specacular, and there are enough explosions to make a new Transformers movie, but the mainstream media seems to be uniform in its decision to ignore this story. The media embargo will be hard to maintain, as it seems the mayhem is visible even from the International Space Station.

We will keep you posted with more information as we receive it.

New Festish Sweeps Nation

Centerville, NT - A disturbing new fetish is sweeping the nation, something so radical it hasn't even been denounced by the Catholic church yet. A spokesman for Pope Benedict has confirmed that a papal decree banning the practice will be released as soon as the pope figures out what it is.

"It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting," says Centerville resident Kim Peterson, "I caught my son right in the middle of it, and you can be sure he won't be ungrounded anytime soon."

The fetish started in red-light districts in New Amsterdam, but has quickly spread to Singapore, Antarctica, and now the nation's high schools. Teens just don't seem to understand what's wrong about their new sick obsession.

"I just don't see what's so bad about it," states local teen Jack Timber, "zombies need loving, too."

Hawaii Launches Missile at North Korea

HONOLULU, HI - The state of Hawaii unilaterally launched a missile at North Korea today, apparently as a preemptive measure against the DPRK's planned launch. Hawaii's launch was apparently carried out without the aid of the US military because, according to one Honolulu resident, "that wouldn't be a fair fight."

The missile was constructed from a sewer pipe and Mexican fireworks, a level of sophistication the North Koreans aren't expected to reach for another 'three to six years,' according to an unnamed source inside the Pentagon.

The low-tech missile struck Pyongyang at 8:31 AM, local time, destroying both the nation's only cell phone tower and three of the four buildings in North Korea known to have electricity.

While US President Barack Obama has not officially condoned or condemned Hawaii's actions, a clip circulating on YouTube shows Obama watching the destruction in real-time and chuckling.

The UN is reportedly considering sanctions against Hawaii.

Iranian Protesters Toilet Paper Ahmadinejad's House

TEHRAN, Iran - Clips circulating on Reuters and Breitbart show several college-age Iranian protesters tossing around what appear to be rolls of toilet paper around the trees, fences, and roof of the estate of Iranian President Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian government, sensitive to international criticism in the wake of recent widespread protests, and also needing to refocus the anger of millions of dissidents, have blamed the attacks on Israel, branding the masked youths 'Toilet Paper Terrorists.'

In a speech, Ahmadinejad railed against Israel, stating, "The sophistication of this attack, and the quantity of toilet paper used, clearly points toward support from a governmental entity with vast resources."

Israel's foreign ministry responded with the following statement: "We have not seen conclusive evidence supporting the existence of a country called 'Iran.' We suspect soon that this apocryphal nation will be 'wiped off of maps everywhere' when its claims to existence prove unsubstantiated. Also, Mossad operatives have never been known to use toilet paper in their black-ops. They prefer paintballs."

Ancient Pornography Discovered

Great Rift Valley, AFRICA - Archaeologists have found the earliest documented manmade pornographic images, estimated to be over 100,000 years old. Previously, an 1854 photograph of Mary Todd Lincoln's calf was thought to be the earliest pornography on record.

Scientists dubbed the image 'The Jockey,' as it is a cave painting depticting a figure of a nude woman 'riding' a horse. The image was protected by a sticky white 'glaze' which the archeologists have not been able to identify.

Archeologists have not yet finished excavating the site, stating that they are waiting on a shipment of supplies necessary to protect the integrity of the dig. Our reporters have confirmed that seven cases of tissues and two dozen bottles of lotion have been sent to the dig site.

France Surrenders to Pirates

Paris, FRANCE - Nicolas Sarkozy, the President of France, made a speech in which he declared that his government surrenders unconditionally to Somali pirates.

"You may take our women. My wife, for example. You may definitely take her. Our baguettes. Our silly hats...what are they called? Berets? Yes, those. Take them. And the Eiffel Tower. It's yours."

The world was stunned. Stunned that this hadn't happened sooner. Vladimir Putin described the move as 'pure cowardice,' while Gordon Brown went on to say it was 'typical French behavior.'

Mokele M'bembe, a Somali pirate, was confused by the news, saying, "We just want money. We do not require women with hairy armpits, silly hats, or hard bread."

The Somali Pirate Party, the new leaders of France, have stated that the hijackings of cargo ships must continue, as they now have to find a way to pay France's skyrocketing national debt.

After his speech, Sarkozy was unavailable for comment as he was preoccupied giving a cigarette to a baby.

Internet 'One Snatch Away From Meltdown'

Silicon Valley, CA - The Internet, a computer network built by NASA scientists as a means of distributing pictures of Britney Spears' vagina, is on the brink of imminent collapse, according to network analyst Ron Powers.

"Look at the massive network strain witnessed after the Paris Hilton sex tape was released, and let's be honest, she's a skank. Imagine what would happen if nude pictures or videos were released of a celebrity who's actually attractive."

Internet providers are taking no chances. Comcast and Verizon are piloting programs to implement bandwidth caps to prevent such a scenario from unfolding.

Ron Powers' company, SpiderWeb Logistics International, has been running simulations to predict exactly what kind of fallout to expect.

"Say pictures of Jessica Alba's vagina were to surface, we categorize this as a 'Class C Catastrophe' where developing countries would lose network access entirely and ATM cards would cease to work worldwide for upwards of three days.

"Now, let's imagine the Olsen Twins released a lesbian porno. We don't even have a way to categorize such an event; that's what we refer to as a 'Global Killer.'"

Truth About UFOs Finally Revealed

ROSWELL, NM - Two-star General Albert Ford held a press conference today where he finally revealed the truth about what the media and enthusiasts have been referring to as 'UFOs' for the past fifty years.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that all the phenomena that have been reported all these years have been found to have a perfectly logical, easily-understood explanation that will satisfy both believers and skeptics alike."

Leroy McClane, a self-proclaimed ufologist remarked, "All this time we'd been thinking it was something mysterious and weird, but it turns out there's a perfectly logical explanation."

Prominent skeptic Ed Michaels said he felt vindicated. "These kooks have been rambling on and on about aliens and time travel for as long as I can remember. Looking back at all the time and energy they've wasted, they should feel pretty foolish knowing that there's a logical explanation for all of it."

Steven Francis, producer of the Sci-Fi channel's award-winning series Strange Encounters said, "In retrospect, it almost seems silly to think we thought it was extraterrestrials, knowing as we do now that it was all something with a straightforward explanation."

While our reporters were unable to determine which branch of the military General Albert Ford is with, or any other information about him, his perfectly logical explanation left us feeling confident that no further investigation is necessary.

Aquarius Defeats Taurus in Fight

Zodiac, TN - It was the dawning of the age of Aquarius last night here in Zodiac, Tennessee. The heavily-favored Taurus strutted around with his bullish arrogance before the fight, but the stellar movements and fluid lines of Aquarius triumphed in the end.

Aquarius defeated Taurus in record time, disappointing some of those in the crowd.

"I thought Taurus would bring a little more intensity, but I guess it takes more than intensity to win," said Jason Rocket, a star basketball player at local Zodiac High School.