Link Between UFO Abductees and Mental Illness

Stuttgart, CA - Researchers have drawn a link between UFO abductees and mental illness. Utilizing MUFON reports from as far back as 1985, researchers have found a 100 percent correlation between abductees and 'being complete nutjobs'.

"Those researchers are just part of the conspiracy to silence us, man," says Jamie Hillard, an abuctee, "disinformation, misinformation, they brought down the Towers, they're the same ones who deny that Obama is a Lizardman and Hilary Clinton authorized the Kennedy Assasination in 2004 using time-traveling assassins. You think it's a coincidence? Do you? Who are you, anyway? Why are you recording this? I know what you're up to man. You might be able to silence me, but you'll never be able to silence the movement. You'll never silence the truth!"

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

UFO Described as ‘Cylinder with Wings’

D'Starkville, IN - Jefferey Winters told our reporter the object he saw 'floated across the sky like a metal bird.' Other witnesses were just as confused by the object. The sighting occurred at roughly 3pm.

"There was this white smoke trailing behind it, possibly some kind of Martian chemical," states another witness. "And the speed of it was unreal, as fast as like 10, maybe even 20 horses put together."

Yet another witness came forward, stating she was able to get a better view of the object using binoculars. "There was this weird writing on it, difficult to make out, I think the first word was 'united,' but I can't be sure."

The Diatribe would like to take this opportunity to remind our readers that Indianapolis International Airport is located 35 miles from D'Starkville, and that D'Starkville's literacy rate is estimated at 25 percent.

UFOs Fight Zombies and Pirates in North Korea

Pyongyang, NK - It's chaos here! In its first 'proxy war' in decades, UFOs have descended on Pyongyang, decimating everything in their path with their plasma blasters and space lasers.

While the UFOs, thought to be here at the behest of the United States, are ravaging the already ravaged nation, zombies (possibly from China) and pirates (we're told they are lost Somalis) are defending the starving and confused citizens of North Korea.

The images and video we've seen and posted so far have been specacular, and there are enough explosions to make a new Transformers movie, but the mainstream media seems to be uniform in its decision to ignore this story. The media embargo will be hard to maintain, as it seems the mayhem is visible even from the International Space Station.

We will keep you posted with more information as we receive it.

UFOs Continue to Taunt Lunatics

Roswell, NM - UFOs continue to taunt local nutbags without interference from government authorities despite mounting evidence. Randall Crane is one of these nutbags.

"Them UFOs put flaming poop bags on my doorstep, then they flew away in their saucers."When asked if they were also the ones who violated three of his sheep, Crane responded, "Uh...yeah. The UFOs."

Local nutjobs have been collecting evidence against their alien tormentors for years, but the government just won't cave under the mountain of dramatic evidence including: first-hand accounts from drunk people, blurry photographs, and strange tattooos.

President Obama has stated he is 'willing to negotiate with our alien overlords whenever they decide to make their presence publicly known.'

UFOs Charge Ransom for Abductees

Smithfield, ND - It appears even our extraterrestrial overlords are feeling the crunch in these tough economic times, as they have begun charging for the return of persons abducted in rural areas.

"I got this call, and they were all like 'If you want to see your husband alive, you have to pay us seven million dollars. Six million if you want him returned unprobed," says local resitent Harriet Pogue."So of course I paid the extra money."

Victims and families of the victims of abductions have been petitioning the government for relief in the form of plasma blasters or government funds to cover the cost of the ransoms, but the government has responded, as always, by denying the existence of extraterrestrial life. Pressed for a quote, North Dakota Governor Randall Evans responded by saying:

"It's clear that their loved ones were abducted by weather balloons, or possibly swamp gas. We've made it clear time and time again that we will not negotiate with weather balloons."

Truth About UFOs Finally Revealed

ROSWELL, NM - Two-star General Albert Ford held a press conference today where he finally revealed the truth about what the media and enthusiasts have been referring to as 'UFOs' for the past fifty years.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that all the phenomena that have been reported all these years have been found to have a perfectly logical, easily-understood explanation that will satisfy both believers and skeptics alike."

Leroy McClane, a self-proclaimed ufologist remarked, "All this time we'd been thinking it was something mysterious and weird, but it turns out there's a perfectly logical explanation."

Prominent skeptic Ed Michaels said he felt vindicated. "These kooks have been rambling on and on about aliens and time travel for as long as I can remember. Looking back at all the time and energy they've wasted, they should feel pretty foolish knowing that there's a logical explanation for all of it."

Steven Francis, producer of the Sci-Fi channel's award-winning series Strange Encounters said, "In retrospect, it almost seems silly to think we thought it was extraterrestrials, knowing as we do now that it was all something with a straightforward explanation."

While our reporters were unable to determine which branch of the military General Albert Ford is with, or any other information about him, his perfectly logical explanation left us feeling confident that no further investigation is necessary.