Local Woman Enjoys Knitting

D'Starkville, IN - Local woman Nettie Bellefield has been knitting for over 50 years, and her latest endeavor, a sweater for her dog, has put her in the running for one of the nation's most prestigious knitting awards.

Seriously? I can't believe I have to write about this inane shit. You know, if it weren't for the divorce and the child support, I could be in a real city doing something better than writing about this old hag and her stupid knitting. Does anybody even read this crap? I mean seriously, can any of you inbred hillbilly shitbags even read?

I had hopes, dreams. I wanted to win a Pulitzer, but clearly that's not going to happen.

"When people ask me how I made it to 85, I tell them that the knitting is what's keeping me alive."

Really, Nettie? The knitting? Are you sure it's not our tax dollars and the thirty-five hospital visits we've paid for over the last three years? I mean, you're in a hospice for crying out loud. You're smack dab in the middle of Hell's waiting room and you're knitting sweaters for your stuffed dog. He died, Nettie! He died seventeen years ago.

I'm going out to get drunk. I hate this job.

Aquarius Defeats Taurus in Fight

Zodiac, TN - It was the dawning of the age of Aquarius last night here in Zodiac, Tennessee. The heavily-favored Taurus strutted around with his bullish arrogance before the fight, but the stellar movements and fluid lines of Aquarius triumphed in the end.

Aquarius defeated Taurus in record time, disappointing some of those in the crowd.

"I thought Taurus would bring a little more intensity, but I guess it takes more than intensity to win," said Jason Rocket, a star basketball player at local Zodiac High School.

84% of Americans ‘Drunk Right Now’

Williamsport, NM – A survey conducted by Gloop Polling found that eighty-four percent of those polled were, at the time of polling, inebriated or in the process of getting inebriated. One of the questions used in the poll, ‘How shit-housed are you right now?’ elicited a 72 percent response of ‘Very,’ followed by a 6 percent response of ‘Somewhat,’ with a small percentage of respondents giving the answers of ‘Totally,’ and ‘A little.’

The sample size consisted of six respondents sitting near the pollster in the bar while he was conducting the survey, with a margin of error of ninety-six percent.

Christian-Muslim Relations Set to Flourish

New York, NY - While there have been tensions in the past, relations between Christians and Muslims are on track to improve dramatically over the next decade, experts agree. Even President Bush is preparing to make overtures to get more involved in Islamic strongholds such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

"It's important that we get closer to our Muslim neighbors here and abroad," Bush said in a recent speech.

World Still Here Despite Predictions

D'Starkville, IN - Despite predictions from the Mayans, Nostradamus, Christians, Muslims, Scientologists, and that guy on the corner of Fifth and Broad Street, the world is still here.

Between the dinosaurs rising from the sea and terrorizing the world's major cities, and the thick layer of sulfuric ash blotting out the sun most of the day, life continues to thrive. In spite of the billions killed by a global food shortage caused by a virus infecting the world's grain stocks, things are fine, and life goes on.

Even with the sustained nuclear bombings caused by glitchy missile defense systems, humans are still watching television just like normal. And even though the daily meteor strikes continue unabated, the mail still comes six days every year.

To all the doomsayers, the D'Starkville Diatribe would just like to say, "In your face!"

Video Game Review: Pac-Man

Why did it take so long for this game to make it to the NES in the US? I mean, let’s face it, for today’s discriminating gamers, the graphics are pretty basic. And without spending a quarter each time you want to make a run on that mysterious level 256, some of the thrill is lost.

Speaking of level 256, it’s all bugged out. I can get through the first 255 levels easily enough, but this level is all jacked up, and I don’t know why. I tried psychically beating the level based on where I assume all the pellets and ghosties are supposed to be, but that just doesn’t work.

I suppose I could just play for hi-score, but I maxed that out a long time ago. Truth be told, this game is just too easy. I suspect it’ll be too easy for you, as well. Since I’m pretty sure that all of you, like me, spent most of your childhoods in front of the arcade version of this game in your basement while your mother was nailing the owner of the local pizza shop while your father was working at said pizza shop producing pubic-hair-laced pizza after lice-infested pizza, this game should be a snap for you.

Video Game Review: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

A little known fact: instead of going through all the trouble to hire actors and coordinate special effects, the film is actually just two and a half hours of footage of someone playing this video game. It’s that realistic.

Where this game really shines is in its myriad of menu commands. The SWING SWORD command, the WALK TWO STEPS command, the DO NOTHING FOR THIRTY SECONDS SO THE PLAYER CAN EAT A FEW DORITOS AND WASH THEM DOWN WITH SOME DELICIOUS PEPSI command. Everything is done with a command. How does this guy go to the bathroom when there’s no player around to command him to?

I don’t know.

But the duels are pretty cool. Why an archer would duel someone when he could just shoot ARROWS at them, I don’t know. But, like I said, pretty cool. I could rag on this game for being a tie-in designed to promote a movie and wring more money out of fans, but I won’t. A lot of time was put into making a detailed and engaging game and that’s evident to the player.