Book Review: You Can be the Awesomest

A self-help book? Why? I don't understand why I can't review something by Chabon or Murakami. What next, moneymaking scam books? Joel Tarder's book You Can be the Awesomest is a good book for you if you're a mouth-breathing Oprahphile.

Clearly, there's no way I'm going to read this book, but juding from our audience, I'm sure all of you will rush right out to pick up this gem so you can leave it prominently displayed in your lavatories and visitors to your house will be able to see just how friggin' retarded you are.

If common sense phrased as encouraging commands is something you think will improve your life, by all means go ahead and give this Tarder guy twenty bucks. If that's not enough, pay the extra fifty and go to his seminar. Motivation? Do you have any idea how much pornography you could buy for twenty bucks? Some. And I guarantee that will make you more productive.

You Can be the Awesomest

Joel Tarder

Totally Not a Scam Publishing

Retail Price: $34.95

Book Review: The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men

I have the worst job in the world. Honestly, I'm surprised women are even able to write books. Tina Hesper's book, The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men, will apparently teach you how to properly use battery-powered self-lovin' machines and successfully lick carpet for the rest of your days. While the chick on the cover is pretty hot, I'm not going to waste my time reading Feminazi propaganda.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about an interesting episode of Murder Solvers I saw the other night. So this millionaire's wife gets killed, and, of course, they think the millionaire did it, but it turns out it was her high school English teacher. I mean, that's brilliant! Who would ever suspect a high school English teacher of a murder? Classic Murder Solvers.

Murder Solvers is on DBC every Wednesday at 8:30.

The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men
Tina Hesper
Pantybuncher Publishing
Retail price: $19.95

Why is Everyone so Obsessed With This Megan Fox Girl?

D'Starkville, IN - Seriously, the Diatribe cannot understand what America's boggle is. She just isn't that hot. She just comes off as trashy, kind of a bitch, and not smart. Actually, that's the answer right there: Americans are dumb, so of course they like dumb girls.

Makes sense.

Still, the extent to which this woman is being fawned over is ridiculous, even for you guys. She_is_just_not_that_attractive.

But hey, whatever floats your boat.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Local Bar Full of Assholes

D'Starkville, IN - The D'Starkville Diatribe has learned of a local bar which, astoundingly, manages to be completely full of assholes on any given night. The bar in question, Cobb's Drinkhole, contains every variety of asshole, from the Big Dumb Asshole, all the way down to the Skinny Sarcastic Asshole.

There's a good chance these are the same assholes you went to high school with, and the intensity of their asshole-itude hasn't diminished over time, in fact, it's probably been magnified by years of bitterness and resentment.

It's enough to make you pray for a fire.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Texting While Driving Leads to More Hook-ups

Jacksonville, FL - The Mayweather Institute of Driving Studies has determined that those who engage in texting while driving have, on average, over twice as many sexual encounters as those who refrain from texting while driving. Roger Potts, a guy with a cell phone, had this to say about the subject:

"Yo, I was textin' this girlie, this fly bitch, and she was all like, 'come over here and let's do it,' and I was all like, 'yeah, that sounds good,' and I went over there and she was all bobbin' up and down on my knob. It was awesome."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Cleveland Browns Ruin Perfect Season by Accidentally Winning A Game

Cleveland, OH - Seeing it written out like that, it looks like someone is saying, 'Cleveland...oh.' Like someone sees the word Cleveland and says 'oh' in disappointment. Much like the perpetual disappointment of being a Cleveland Browns fan.

After ruining their perfect season, the Browns have been debating over whether to forfeit the rest of the season and have the players commit seppuku as a means of atoning for their horrible performance, the coaching staff and management have decided to continue to play football in order to achieve what 13 year-old Steelers fan Chad Bobbins calls an 'epic fail'.

Janitor and Head Coach Phil Harnsworth had this to say, "Our motives are actually really pure. If we were to actually beat another team, which isn't likely, it would be really embarassing for them. By playing horrible football, we allow other teams to bulk up their stats and their wins. This increases the profile of the NFL, and as members of the NFL, we benefit indirectly."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Don't Fall for Tomorrow's Balloon Hoax

Denver, COLORADO - Tomorrow, you may find yourself watching a shiny silver disc float across the dusty plains. You may even find that it's on every channel, being covered by a myriad of news outlets. If they tell you there's a 6 year-old boy inside it, don't believe them.

I'll tell you right now, he'll be hiding in the attic.

Now, you might write this off, after all, nobody's heard about the Heenes since they were on Wife Swap, and they're just not that interesting to begin with. However, tomorrow, they will become instant celebrities, for a moment. After a few days of investigating, the depths of the hoax will be revealed. The child might even throw up on live television.

Now, our source, a respected Jamaican psychic who claims she can see the future, does not always manage to hit the headlines of tomorrow with 100 percent accuracy, we just want to be the first to cover this story, since we think it'll be big.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.