Hawaii Launches Missile at North Korea

HONOLULU, HI - The state of Hawaii unilaterally launched a missile at North Korea today, apparently as a preemptive measure against the DPRK's planned launch. Hawaii's launch was apparently carried out without the aid of the US military because, according to one Honolulu resident, "that wouldn't be a fair fight."

The missile was constructed from a sewer pipe and Mexican fireworks, a level of sophistication the North Koreans aren't expected to reach for another 'three to six years,' according to an unnamed source inside the Pentagon.

The low-tech missile struck Pyongyang at 8:31 AM, local time, destroying both the nation's only cell phone tower and three of the four buildings in North Korea known to have electricity.

While US President Barack Obama has not officially condoned or condemned Hawaii's actions, a clip circulating on YouTube shows Obama watching the destruction in real-time and chuckling.

The UN is reportedly considering sanctions against Hawaii.

Iranian Protesters Toilet Paper Ahmadinejad's House

TEHRAN, Iran - Clips circulating on Reuters and Breitbart show several college-age Iranian protesters tossing around what appear to be rolls of toilet paper around the trees, fences, and roof of the estate of Iranian President Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian government, sensitive to international criticism in the wake of recent widespread protests, and also needing to refocus the anger of millions of dissidents, have blamed the attacks on Israel, branding the masked youths 'Toilet Paper Terrorists.'

In a speech, Ahmadinejad railed against Israel, stating, "The sophistication of this attack, and the quantity of toilet paper used, clearly points toward support from a governmental entity with vast resources."

Israel's foreign ministry responded with the following statement: "We have not seen conclusive evidence supporting the existence of a country called 'Iran.' We suspect soon that this apocryphal nation will be 'wiped off of maps everywhere' when its claims to existence prove unsubstantiated. Also, Mossad operatives have never been known to use toilet paper in their black-ops. They prefer paintballs."

Man Shows Off World's Smallest Pens

ROCKVILLE, MD - Tony Blackwell has the world's smallest pens, as verified by the Guiness Book of World Records. When asked how he managed to have the world's smallest pens, Tony stated his strange circumstance was 'inherited from his father.'

Pictures of his pens have been circulating on the internet for years, and Tony loves to have his pens photographed between the fingers of beautiful women.

Blackwell's most recent business endeavor involves taking his pens on a cross-country tour. When asked why, Blackwell said, "Men, women, and children of all ages will enjoy seeing, touching, and maybe even having their pictures taken with the world's smallest pens."

Ancient Pornography Discovered

Great Rift Valley, AFRICA - Archaeologists have found the earliest documented manmade pornographic images, estimated to be over 100,000 years old. Previously, an 1854 photograph of Mary Todd Lincoln's calf was thought to be the earliest pornography on record.

Scientists dubbed the image 'The Jockey,' as it is a cave painting depticting a figure of a nude woman 'riding' a horse. The image was protected by a sticky white 'glaze' which the archeologists have not been able to identify.

Archeologists have not yet finished excavating the site, stating that they are waiting on a shipment of supplies necessary to protect the integrity of the dig. Our reporters have confirmed that seven cases of tissues and two dozen bottles of lotion have been sent to the dig site.

UFOs Charge Ransom for Abductees

Smithfield, ND - It appears even our extraterrestrial overlords are feeling the crunch in these tough economic times, as they have begun charging for the return of persons abducted in rural areas.

"I got this call, and they were all like 'If you want to see your husband alive, you have to pay us seven million dollars. Six million if you want him returned unprobed," says local resitent Harriet Pogue."So of course I paid the extra money."

Victims and families of the victims of abductions have been petitioning the government for relief in the form of plasma blasters or government funds to cover the cost of the ransoms, but the government has responded, as always, by denying the existence of extraterrestrial life. Pressed for a quote, North Dakota Governor Randall Evans responded by saying:

"It's clear that their loved ones were abducted by weather balloons, or possibly swamp gas. We've made it clear time and time again that we will not negotiate with weather balloons."

Texan Secedes from Union

Dallas, TX - A man in Lubbock has done what others in his state have only dreamt of doing--seceding from the United States of America. While others were protesting in the streets outside Lubbock's one-room courthouse/post office/7-11, Leroy Jenkem was inside filing the necessary paperwork to form his own nation, while also purchasing a Slushee and some stamps.

"I'm fed up with taxes. With being attacked by pirates. With ten trillion dollars of debt. The way I figure, it's time to wipe the slate clean," says Jenkem, who was once convicted of felony mopery.

Rod Throbbins, attorney and adult film star, says legally there's not a lot the US government or the state of Texas can do to stop Jenkem.

"The Texas state constitution heavily favors the rights of the state and the rights of the individual. Nowhere does it specifically state that an individual cannot secede and form his own government."

In addition, Jenkem's 'crazy' plan has attracted the support of a powerful ally: Governor Rick Perry, who said, "Texas has decided to recognize his fledgling government. The position of the US has always been to support new democracies, which Jenkem's government clearly is. After all, didn't we found this nation in order to dodge taxes and avoid the reach of an overbearing government?"

After locking his front gate and raising the flag of his new nation, Jenkem immediately declared that he has several nuclear warheads hidden in an undisclosed location. President Obama reacted by suggesting that the US institute six-party talks between his own government, Mexico, Cuba, Venezuela, France, Japan, and The Republic of New Jenkem.

In response, Jenkem has stated that he will go along with disarmament and re-join the Union if he is given humanitarian aid in the form of ten million dollars in small, unmarked bills.Obama is reportedly giving the proposal serious consideration.

France Surrenders to Pirates

Paris, FRANCE - Nicolas Sarkozy, the President of France, made a speech in which he declared that his government surrenders unconditionally to Somali pirates.

"You may take our women. My wife, for example. You may definitely take her. Our baguettes. Our silly hats...what are they called? Berets? Yes, those. Take them. And the Eiffel Tower. It's yours."

The world was stunned. Stunned that this hadn't happened sooner. Vladimir Putin described the move as 'pure cowardice,' while Gordon Brown went on to say it was 'typical French behavior.'

Mokele M'bembe, a Somali pirate, was confused by the news, saying, "We just want money. We do not require women with hairy armpits, silly hats, or hard bread."

The Somali Pirate Party, the new leaders of France, have stated that the hijackings of cargo ships must continue, as they now have to find a way to pay France's skyrocketing national debt.

After his speech, Sarkozy was unavailable for comment as he was preoccupied giving a cigarette to a baby.