Amazon: Deleted Book Never Existed

WASHINGTON - In an embarassing gaffe where Amazon is alleged to have deleted books from consumers' Kindle devices, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos maintains that not only was the book not deleted, it 'never existed to begin with.'

The book, a so-called 1984 written by an unsubstantiated author referred to as George Orwell, was supposedly deleted from users' devices last week. The problem with conclusively verifying this claim is that no physical copies of the book exist, and according to the records of libraries and bookstores, never did.

Bezos pointed to the fact that reporters were unable to find the author himself for comment on this story. "He's not on Twitter, he's not in the phone book...how can an imaginary person write a book?"

Despite these baseless accusations from delusional Kindle users, Amazon's fortunes are expected to rise with next week's release of the title George Bush: The Most Beloved and Best President in American History.

Obama Not US Citizen

Washington, DC - President Obama resigned today, responding to allegations that he is not actually a United States Citizen. He gave his resignation speech in front of thousands at The Mall.

"You figured me out. You know, what amazed me was that I was able to make it all the way through this process without anyone asking to see my birth certificate. I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids..er..Republicans."

Equally surprising was the newly-discovered fine print in the Constitution detailing that 'in the event an eleckted prezident is determined not to be a US citizen, the prezidency will then default to the prior prezident for the rest of the turm.'

While this section of the Constitution was written on the back of the document in crayon, and contained numerous misspellings, Republican legal scholars have advised that 'because it's written on the Constitution, it's legal.'

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

There are so many ways to mix a Long Island Iced Tea. Sometimes they contain tequila, sometimes not. Some bartenders forego the sour mix, some don’t use Coke. I’ve even seen one sketchy drinksmith pour cola into vodka and try to convince me this was somehow acceptable.

So, I want to know, how does one go about making the perfect Long Island Iced Tea?

Sincerely,
Parched in Purgatory

Mr. Caholic-

This is the first time since I’ve taken on the mantle of Editor for this small-town rag that I’ve received a letter that’s really spoken to me on a personal level. Your childlike naïveté has touched me, and you can rest assured your question, a question no doubt shared by scores of like-minded drinkers, will be decisively answered here and now.

The perfect Long Island goes like this: equal parts of vodka, gin, white rum, and triple sec mixed together, add a ½ -shot of lemon juice, shake it up, pour into a glass full of ice spheres (cubes have too much surface area) and, this next step is crucial, open a chilled GLASS BOTTLE of Coca Cola and pour enough to fill the rest of the glass. Stir with a glass rod, decorate with a lemon wedge cut to resemble an elephant.

Drunk before noon,
Editor

New Festish Sweeps Nation

Centerville, NT - A disturbing new fetish is sweeping the nation, something so radical it hasn't even been denounced by the Catholic church yet. A spokesman for Pope Benedict has confirmed that a papal decree banning the practice will be released as soon as the pope figures out what it is.

"It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting," says Centerville resident Kim Peterson, "I caught my son right in the middle of it, and you can be sure he won't be ungrounded anytime soon."

The fetish started in red-light districts in New Amsterdam, but has quickly spread to Singapore, Antarctica, and now the nation's high schools. Teens just don't seem to understand what's wrong about their new sick obsession.

"I just don't see what's so bad about it," states local teen Jack Timber, "zombies need loving, too."

UFOs Continue to Taunt Lunatics

Roswell, NM - UFOs continue to taunt local nutbags without interference from government authorities despite mounting evidence. Randall Crane is one of these nutbags.

"Them UFOs put flaming poop bags on my doorstep, then they flew away in their saucers."When asked if they were also the ones who violated three of his sheep, Crane responded, "Uh...yeah. The UFOs."

Local nutjobs have been collecting evidence against their alien tormentors for years, but the government just won't cave under the mountain of dramatic evidence including: first-hand accounts from drunk people, blurry photographs, and strange tattooos.

President Obama has stated he is 'willing to negotiate with our alien overlords whenever they decide to make their presence publicly known.'

iPods to Protect Against Bad Music

New York, NY - Amid reports that the next generation iPods will protect users' hearing by automatically adjusting volume, a lesser-known feature has been leaked to the media. According to an Apple employee who wishes to remain anonymous for her safety, new iPods will 'protect users from bad music.'

She went on to explain that this doesn't mean censorship against explicit lyrics--new iPods will actually delete bad songs after a set number of listenings. "For example," she said, "one might only be able to listen to Wham's 'Last Christmas' one time before it is automatically deleted."

Users are in an uproar over what constitutes bad music. For example, there have been rumors that iPod owners will be'protected' from entire genres of music, including rap and country music.

One iPod owner, Jimmy Starkes, was irate. "So if I buy these bad songs directly from Apple, and they get deleted after I listen to them once, that means I have to buy them every time I want to listen?"

Ted Kreegan, a market analyst, says yes. "This is basically going to amount to a tax on crappy music. People who are ignorant enough to like these songs are also ignorant enough to keep buying them. It's a brilliant move on Apple's part."

In other news, 50 cent has finally resigned from the music business and Apple's stock was up on the news.

More Media Coverage for Michael Jackson than 9/11

New York, NY - A research study conducted by the Kinsling Institute has proven that Michael Jackson's death has received more media coverage than 9/11.

Scott Rieber, one of the journalists involved in the study, said, "You have to understand, more people were affected by the tragedy of Michael Jackson's untimely death than a few planes crashing."

The study involved the number of articles published in major news outlets and the amount of time each network devoted to a number of topics. According to the Kinsling Institute, the only other topic in history to receive more media coverage [than Jackson's death] was President Obama's Portuguese Water Dog. His inauguration trailed slightly behind Michael Jackson's death.