Menthol Cigarette Exclusion Seen as Racist

Washington, DC - With recent tobacco legislation banning the sale of flavored cigarettes and labels advertising cigarettes as 'light,' many are asking why menthol cigarettes were excluded from these new restrictions. Leading a protest outside the Washington Memorial, Jesse Jackson had this to say:

"You know who smokes menthol cigarettes? Black people. You know who made these rules? White people. The message Congress, a bunch of old white guys, is sending loud and clear is that they don't care if black people get lung cancer and die. So we're out here protesting. And suing. Suing to get money for the people--black people."

Jackson coughed as he lit up a menthol cigarette, saying, "Damn, that's smooth."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Family Guy Continues to Push Limits of Medocrity

Hollywood, CA - Fox's hit television show Family Guy returns for a new season of poop jokes and hastily patched-together noncanonical visual gags on Sundays this fall. Family Guy continues to use all the plot devices of a show whose writers have clearly run out of stories.

Let's have a rundown: time travel? Check. Interdimensional travel? Check. A mediocre character being featured in his own spinoff? Check. Peter in a leather jacket jet-skiing over a shark? Check.

When asked for comment, Seth MacFarlane said, "Our show is beloved by millions of people around the world and continues to be lucrative. Your fake newspaper is read by nobody and makes no money. I can understand why you'd be jealous and write snarky articles."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Michael Moore is Such a Rebel

Flint, MI - Michael Moore, with his new movie Capitalism: A Love Story, continues to tell us everyday working schlubs what's wrong with our society. Moore, whose movies have made him tens of millions of dollars, uses his latest film to point out why a system that allows him to make tens of millions of dollars is bad. When asked for comment, he said:

"This system, which has made me tens of millions of dollars, is bad for Americans, and also for me, even though, like I said, it's made me tens of millions of dollars."

When asked if that meant he would give the money back, Moore laughed.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Probe Sent to Uranus

Houston, TX - A group of nerds with glasses and pocket protectors, NASA, have decided it's time Uranus got probed. Using the largest probe ever sent to Uranus, NASA, according to Rocket Scientist Darryl Hammerdine, says, "We really want to get in there, get into Uranus, and take a look around."

In the past, getting a probe to Uranus has been rough, but with recent advances in technology, NASA plans to 'astro-glide' the probe straight to Uranus.

Hammerdine has promised there will be lots of pictures of Uranus on the internet after the project is complete.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Wham!: Rock Band to be Released Next Month

Atlanta, GA - While the Beatles version of Rock Band had limited appeal, Electronic Arts hopes to capture the attention (and dollars) of the masses with the latest entry in the Rock Band series, Wham!: Rock Band.

While critics have always respected the band's artistic integrity, the release of Wham!: Rock Band leaves some pundits skeptical about the motives of George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley, the duo behind Wham!

Says blogger and all-around asshole Josh Harper, "It used to be about the music for Wham! but now it feels like they're just trying to cash in."

Random guy Eddie Scruggs had this to say about the upcoming release, "You know, they used to play that goddamn Wake Me Up Before You Go Go song like all the time, and now that crap's gonna start all over again. And don't get me started on Last Christmas."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Obama Finally Achieves World Peace

Washington, DC - President Obama, with the assistance of the world leaders of every nation on Earth, has finally achieved what was once thought impossible: permanent world peace.

Working with the UN, Obama sponsored a resolution requesting that 'all nations should stop all this 'war' jive and get on the peace bus.' Every nation, including typical holdouts like Venzuela, North Korea, and Iran, decided to sign the non-binding document.

Israel and Palestine were both signatories to the document, and even in the Gaza Strip, where gunfire could still be heard ringing through the streets, one resident proclaimed, "World peace feels a lot like war."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Aliens Thwart US Plan to Blow Up Moon

Moon, THE - As a NASA rocket using 'kinetic energy' to 'impact the Moon' to 'test the ejecta plume for water' neared its target, the promised live video feed of the event was cut. While NASA is officially blaming the loss of the feed on 'technical issues,' the final frames of live video sent over the web clearly depict saucer-like objects closing in on the camera.

Astronomers with powerful telescopes are feverishly blogging to anyone that will listen that the promised impact never occurred, reporting instead that the rocket and its companion probe exploded before they hit the surface.

NASA and the US government have imposed a media embargo on the entire event, instead insisting that malfunctions cut the feed and that the event was a 'total success'.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.