Video Game Review: Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout

We’ve clearly gotten to the point where the dark forces of marketing have taken over the video game market. One could argue that it started over eight years ago with ET, potentially the worst game ever made, and continues with this game.

I’m not saying this is a bad game. Certainly a few orders of magnitude better than ET (what isn’t?). In fact, it’s pretty fun to play and the graphics are decent. What I’m saying is that we’re ending up with these non-canonical, one-off games that were probably already finished before someone got the idea to plop a Bugs Bunny sprite into it (Case in point: Doki Doki Panic becomes Super Mario 2…).

It makes me wonder: does EVERY character for every franchise need his own SMB-clone? Next you’ll be telling me even the Domino’s pizza Noid will get his own game…wait, what? He ALREADY DID? It’s yet another Japanese sprite-switch? Ridiculous.

So, back to Bugs Bunny. It’s an alright game. Fun to play for a little while. It’s just…it’s just that it doesn’t have that feel of a Mario game. The color palettes are too pastel, too similar. The background sprites, while detailed, don’t really have much of a Bugs Bunny style to them.

It’s a rental game; it’s not inspired…it’s something you’d do to kill time while waiting for a better game to be released.Let’s be brutally honest here, this game will sell because it has Bugs Bunny on it. No serious gamer is going to run out and buy this, but he might find himself stuck playing it because his little brother has it.

Video Game Review: Final Fantasy

Four letters? I only get four letters to name my characters? What is this, 1920? Luckily, my favorite curses are only 4 letters long, so this isn’t a huge problem. One awesome thing is that you can pick which four types of characters make up your party. Four fighters all the way, buddy.

Like most other recent RPG’s, you will likely find yourself killing hordes and hordes of monsters just to get enough experience and gold to advance the story just one tiny bit, but if you do, you will eventually get an AIRSHIP, and it’s GREAT.

Now, here’s a thought…what if they make a sequel to this? A ‘Final Fantasy II’, if you will, that’d be an oxymoron…get it? Because it wouldn’t be the FINAL fantasy after all? Hehehe, I’m a funny guy.

Video Game Review: Snoopy’s Silly Sports Spectacular

This isn’t a video game review so much as a public service announcement. This game actually has a lot in common with syphilis: from the outside, it may seem inviting, but once you realize what it is, you should get as far away from it as you possibly can. Also, it will, over time, destroy your mind in a way not dissimilar to the aforementioned syphilis.

This is a game so bad that it had to be completely redone as a Snoopy game to contain its original horribility as a Japanese release with Donald Duck sprites. They were actually worried that bad word-of-mouth from Japan would make its way here, to the US.

In a way, the designers of this game were pretty ambitious. Rather than strive for the title of ‘Worst Game Ever,’ they tried to unite The Six Worst Games Ever into one cartridge. Tolkien would have been proud.

Here’s what it is: Snoopy and Spike competing at various sportslike events in Italy. Pogo Jump, Push Your Opponent off a Gondola, The Boot Toss, Carrying a Stack of Pizzas without Dropping Them, Racing in a Potato Sack, and Oh My God There Is No Way To Actually Pole Vault Across This Goddamned River, Is There?

Just for the record, I have never, nor have I even heard a story about someone ever successfully pole vaulting across that goddamned river. It’s just not possible. I suspect Shigesato Itoi (or possibly even Beat Takeshi) had a hand in that, because making games that are, by definition, impossible seems to get them off.

So…back to Snoopy. The central question of any video game review is whether the reader should purchase/play the game in question. The answer, given objectively and with absolutely no bias, is this: under no circumstances should you or anyone else ever play this game. Not even if it’s free. Not even if someone has you strapped to a chair with giant lasers pointing at you which will zap you if you don’t play this game.

OHMYGODRUNAWAYWHILEYOUSTILLCAN!

Is what they should put on the outside of the box this game comes in, with a sticker bearing the exact same legend affixed to the cartridge in case the box has been lost.

And yet, a part of me worries that I may have piqued your curiosity, like you may be thinking to yourself, ‘It sounds so bad that it might actually be fun to play, just to make fun of.’ NO! DO NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE! You should not even be imagining what it would be like to play this game, the taint of it is that strong.

Even as I tie the rope to the rafter in a vain attempt to rid my mind of the impurity of this game, penning out this review along with a copy of my last will and testament, I implore you, for all that is good in the world, don’t let yourself be exposed to the Lovecraftian horror which comprises Snoopy’s Silly Sports Spectacular.