Texan Secedes from Union

Dallas, TX - A man in Lubbock has done what others in his state have only dreamt of doing--seceding from the United States of America. While others were protesting in the streets outside Lubbock's one-room courthouse/post office/7-11, Leroy Jenkem was inside filing the necessary paperwork to form his own nation, while also purchasing a Slushee and some stamps.

"I'm fed up with taxes. With being attacked by pirates. With ten trillion dollars of debt. The way I figure, it's time to wipe the slate clean," says Jenkem, who was once convicted of felony mopery.

Rod Throbbins, attorney and adult film star, says legally there's not a lot the US government or the state of Texas can do to stop Jenkem.

"The Texas state constitution heavily favors the rights of the state and the rights of the individual. Nowhere does it specifically state that an individual cannot secede and form his own government."

In addition, Jenkem's 'crazy' plan has attracted the support of a powerful ally: Governor Rick Perry, who said, "Texas has decided to recognize his fledgling government. The position of the US has always been to support new democracies, which Jenkem's government clearly is. After all, didn't we found this nation in order to dodge taxes and avoid the reach of an overbearing government?"

After locking his front gate and raising the flag of his new nation, Jenkem immediately declared that he has several nuclear warheads hidden in an undisclosed location. President Obama reacted by suggesting that the US institute six-party talks between his own government, Mexico, Cuba, Venezuela, France, Japan, and The Republic of New Jenkem.

In response, Jenkem has stated that he will go along with disarmament and re-join the Union if he is given humanitarian aid in the form of ten million dollars in small, unmarked bills.Obama is reportedly giving the proposal serious consideration.

France Surrenders to Pirates

Paris, FRANCE - Nicolas Sarkozy, the President of France, made a speech in which he declared that his government surrenders unconditionally to Somali pirates.

"You may take our women. My wife, for example. You may definitely take her. Our baguettes. Our silly hats...what are they called? Berets? Yes, those. Take them. And the Eiffel Tower. It's yours."

The world was stunned. Stunned that this hadn't happened sooner. Vladimir Putin described the move as 'pure cowardice,' while Gordon Brown went on to say it was 'typical French behavior.'

Mokele M'bembe, a Somali pirate, was confused by the news, saying, "We just want money. We do not require women with hairy armpits, silly hats, or hard bread."

The Somali Pirate Party, the new leaders of France, have stated that the hijackings of cargo ships must continue, as they now have to find a way to pay France's skyrocketing national debt.

After his speech, Sarkozy was unavailable for comment as he was preoccupied giving a cigarette to a baby.

Somali Pirates Hijack American Town

Biloxi, MS - Armed with AK-47's, nearly two dozen Somali pirates have stormed the town of Biloxi, Mississippi, holding residents hostage and demanding ten million dollars in ransom.

With naval forces from China, Japan, Germany, and others patrolling the coast of Somalia, the pirates have had to move further and further out of their comfort zone. Flush with millions of dollars of ransom money from past payments, the pirates are well-armed and growing bolder.

One of the pirates, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "We accidentally dropped our GPS unit in the ocean, and really had no idea where we were going. A few weeks later, we ended up here in Biloxi. It's a really nice town. If you want it back, you must pay us ten million dollars."

Already dealing with the challenges of a sagging economy and a sabre-rattling North Korea, President Obama's approach in dealing with this crisis has been widely criticized.

Rob Andrews, a resident of Jackson, was one of the critics, saying, "Can't shoot them because they're not American citizens? We can't re-take the town until they get green cards and become subject to U.S. laws? What a load of liberal crap. Still, Biloxi's kind of a dump. We should just let 'em keep it."

According to the latest Gallup poll, it seems most Mississipians agree with Andrews, with over 85 percent in favor of not paying the pirates' ransom, as the funds would have to come from a new tax proposed by Governor Haley Barbour.