Book Review: The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men

I have the worst job in the world. Honestly, I'm surprised women are even able to write books. Tina Hesper's book, The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men, will apparently teach you how to properly use battery-powered self-lovin' machines and successfully lick carpet for the rest of your days. While the chick on the cover is pretty hot, I'm not going to waste my time reading Feminazi propaganda.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about an interesting episode of Murder Solvers I saw the other night. So this millionaire's wife gets killed, and, of course, they think the millionaire did it, but it turns out it was her high school English teacher. I mean, that's brilliant! Who would ever suspect a high school English teacher of a murder? Classic Murder Solvers.

Murder Solvers is on DBC every Wednesday at 8:30.

The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men
Tina Hesper
Pantybuncher Publishing
Retail price: $19.95

Why is Everyone so Obsessed With This Megan Fox Girl?

D'Starkville, IN - Seriously, the Diatribe cannot understand what America's boggle is. She just isn't that hot. She just comes off as trashy, kind of a bitch, and not smart. Actually, that's the answer right there: Americans are dumb, so of course they like dumb girls.

Makes sense.

Still, the extent to which this woman is being fawned over is ridiculous, even for you guys. She_is_just_not_that_attractive.

But hey, whatever floats your boat.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Local Bar Full of Assholes

D'Starkville, IN - The D'Starkville Diatribe has learned of a local bar which, astoundingly, manages to be completely full of assholes on any given night. The bar in question, Cobb's Drinkhole, contains every variety of asshole, from the Big Dumb Asshole, all the way down to the Skinny Sarcastic Asshole.

There's a good chance these are the same assholes you went to high school with, and the intensity of their asshole-itude hasn't diminished over time, in fact, it's probably been magnified by years of bitterness and resentment.

It's enough to make you pray for a fire.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Texting While Driving Leads to More Hook-ups

Jacksonville, FL - The Mayweather Institute of Driving Studies has determined that those who engage in texting while driving have, on average, over twice as many sexual encounters as those who refrain from texting while driving. Roger Potts, a guy with a cell phone, had this to say about the subject:

"Yo, I was textin' this girlie, this fly bitch, and she was all like, 'come over here and let's do it,' and I was all like, 'yeah, that sounds good,' and I went over there and she was all bobbin' up and down on my knob. It was awesome."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Cleveland Browns Ruin Perfect Season by Accidentally Winning A Game

Cleveland, OH - Seeing it written out like that, it looks like someone is saying, 'Cleveland...oh.' Like someone sees the word Cleveland and says 'oh' in disappointment. Much like the perpetual disappointment of being a Cleveland Browns fan.

After ruining their perfect season, the Browns have been debating over whether to forfeit the rest of the season and have the players commit seppuku as a means of atoning for their horrible performance, the coaching staff and management have decided to continue to play football in order to achieve what 13 year-old Steelers fan Chad Bobbins calls an 'epic fail'.

Janitor and Head Coach Phil Harnsworth had this to say, "Our motives are actually really pure. If we were to actually beat another team, which isn't likely, it would be really embarassing for them. By playing horrible football, we allow other teams to bulk up their stats and their wins. This increases the profile of the NFL, and as members of the NFL, we benefit indirectly."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Don't Fall for Tomorrow's Balloon Hoax

Denver, COLORADO - Tomorrow, you may find yourself watching a shiny silver disc float across the dusty plains. You may even find that it's on every channel, being covered by a myriad of news outlets. If they tell you there's a 6 year-old boy inside it, don't believe them.

I'll tell you right now, he'll be hiding in the attic.

Now, you might write this off, after all, nobody's heard about the Heenes since they were on Wife Swap, and they're just not that interesting to begin with. However, tomorrow, they will become instant celebrities, for a moment. After a few days of investigating, the depths of the hoax will be revealed. The child might even throw up on live television.

Now, our source, a respected Jamaican psychic who claims she can see the future, does not always manage to hit the headlines of tomorrow with 100 percent accuracy, we just want to be the first to cover this story, since we think it'll be big.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Menthol Cigarette Exclusion Seen as Racist

Washington, DC - With recent tobacco legislation banning the sale of flavored cigarettes and labels advertising cigarettes as 'light,' many are asking why menthol cigarettes were excluded from these new restrictions. Leading a protest outside the Washington Memorial, Jesse Jackson had this to say:

"You know who smokes menthol cigarettes? Black people. You know who made these rules? White people. The message Congress, a bunch of old white guys, is sending loud and clear is that they don't care if black people get lung cancer and die. So we're out here protesting. And suing. Suing to get money for the people--black people."

Jackson coughed as he lit up a menthol cigarette, saying, "Damn, that's smooth."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Family Guy Continues to Push Limits of Medocrity

Hollywood, CA - Fox's hit television show Family Guy returns for a new season of poop jokes and hastily patched-together noncanonical visual gags on Sundays this fall. Family Guy continues to use all the plot devices of a show whose writers have clearly run out of stories.

Let's have a rundown: time travel? Check. Interdimensional travel? Check. A mediocre character being featured in his own spinoff? Check. Peter in a leather jacket jet-skiing over a shark? Check.

When asked for comment, Seth MacFarlane said, "Our show is beloved by millions of people around the world and continues to be lucrative. Your fake newspaper is read by nobody and makes no money. I can understand why you'd be jealous and write snarky articles."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Michael Moore is Such a Rebel

Flint, MI - Michael Moore, with his new movie Capitalism: A Love Story, continues to tell us everyday working schlubs what's wrong with our society. Moore, whose movies have made him tens of millions of dollars, uses his latest film to point out why a system that allows him to make tens of millions of dollars is bad. When asked for comment, he said:

"This system, which has made me tens of millions of dollars, is bad for Americans, and also for me, even though, like I said, it's made me tens of millions of dollars."

When asked if that meant he would give the money back, Moore laughed.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Probe Sent to Uranus

Houston, TX - A group of nerds with glasses and pocket protectors, NASA, have decided it's time Uranus got probed. Using the largest probe ever sent to Uranus, NASA, according to Rocket Scientist Darryl Hammerdine, says, "We really want to get in there, get into Uranus, and take a look around."

In the past, getting a probe to Uranus has been rough, but with recent advances in technology, NASA plans to 'astro-glide' the probe straight to Uranus.

Hammerdine has promised there will be lots of pictures of Uranus on the internet after the project is complete.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Wham!: Rock Band to be Released Next Month

Atlanta, GA - While the Beatles version of Rock Band had limited appeal, Electronic Arts hopes to capture the attention (and dollars) of the masses with the latest entry in the Rock Band series, Wham!: Rock Band.

While critics have always respected the band's artistic integrity, the release of Wham!: Rock Band leaves some pundits skeptical about the motives of George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley, the duo behind Wham!

Says blogger and all-around asshole Josh Harper, "It used to be about the music for Wham! but now it feels like they're just trying to cash in."

Random guy Eddie Scruggs had this to say about the upcoming release, "You know, they used to play that goddamn Wake Me Up Before You Go Go song like all the time, and now that crap's gonna start all over again. And don't get me started on Last Christmas."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Obama Finally Achieves World Peace

Washington, DC - President Obama, with the assistance of the world leaders of every nation on Earth, has finally achieved what was once thought impossible: permanent world peace.

Working with the UN, Obama sponsored a resolution requesting that 'all nations should stop all this 'war' jive and get on the peace bus.' Every nation, including typical holdouts like Venzuela, North Korea, and Iran, decided to sign the non-binding document.

Israel and Palestine were both signatories to the document, and even in the Gaza Strip, where gunfire could still be heard ringing through the streets, one resident proclaimed, "World peace feels a lot like war."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Aliens Thwart US Plan to Blow Up Moon

Moon, THE - As a NASA rocket using 'kinetic energy' to 'impact the Moon' to 'test the ejecta plume for water' neared its target, the promised live video feed of the event was cut. While NASA is officially blaming the loss of the feed on 'technical issues,' the final frames of live video sent over the web clearly depict saucer-like objects closing in on the camera.

Astronomers with powerful telescopes are feverishly blogging to anyone that will listen that the promised impact never occurred, reporting instead that the rocket and its companion probe exploded before they hit the surface.

NASA and the US government have imposed a media embargo on the entire event, instead insisting that malfunctions cut the feed and that the event was a 'total success'.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Sarah Palin Refuses to Just Go Away

Moosecock, AK - Despite losing the presidential election, resigning as governor of Alaska, and being roundly criticized for her cheerfully ignorant demeanor, Sarah Palin refuses to do the one thing everybody wants her to do: just GO AWAY.

When asked why she keeps grasping desperately for the attention of an irritated public, Palin said, "Is it because I'm an attention whore with no substance behind my mavericky-yet-blue-collar persona? You betcha!"

When asked about Sarah Palin, Russian puppeteer Vladimir Putin said, "We don't need to see her on the news, we can see her house from here."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Book Review: Defecating Your Way to a Thinner You

Nina Taylor's new book, Defecating Your Way to a Thinner You hits bookshelves this winter. Should you read it? Well, that's the question my whip-cracking superiors are paying me to answer for you.

To be fair, reader, I haven't read this book. It's occupying space on the desk in front of me. It features a thin, beautiful woman standing next to a toilet and smiling daemonically. She's kind of hot. I wonder if she knew what she was actually posing for when this picture was taken, as it looks like she was photoshopped in.

If she did know, she's probably desperate for work. To be that desperate and that good-looking means she has low self-esteem. Okay, so, if any of you recognize this girl, or can suggest a way for me to get in contact with her to ask her out on a date, let me know.

Defecating Your Way to a Thinner You

Nina Taylor

Porcelain Publishing

Retail price: $14.95

Automakers Continue to Produce Ugly Cars

Detroit, MI - Despite nearly a decade of sagging auto sales and an overwhelming backlash from consumers, nearly every major automaker has continued to produce progressively uglier cars. It's a trend that started decades ago with Fieros and El Caminos and continues through the present with Avalanches and Hummers. Auto Sales Analyst Burt Weener explains:

"Automakers are so caught up with 'futuristic' designs that they've lost sight of what people actually want, which is 'cool-looking' designs that will get them some tail. Trying to get laid in a Prius? Fat chance. And with these next-generation hybrids and electric cars, the planet may live a little longer but auto aesthetics will likely be dealt a painful deathblow."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

One of my friends recently started selling AmWay, and now he wants me to follow suit. Should I do this? Will I make mountains of money?

Sincerely,

Future Millionaire

Moneybags-

You strike me as one of those people who responds to every e-mail from every Nigerian billionaire who chooses you to inheirit his fortune.

To answer your question: Yes! Definitely! The secret to success and infinite wealth has always been selling snow globes and fake jewelry out of your garage. Not only that, but just by merely spreading the word of this successful method, you will make mountains of money.

You deserve easy success, and you shouldn't have to work hard for it because you're special. That's what you want to hear, right? That you're special and your path to financial security should be as easy as jumping into Scrooge McDuck's money bin and scooping handfuls and handfuls into your pockets.

Good luck with your idiocy.

Adding your letter's return address to the sex offender database,

Editor

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Internet 'One Snatch Away From Meltdown'

Silicon Valley, CA - The Internet, a computer network built by NASA scientists as a means of distributing pictures of Britney Spears' vagina, is on the brink of imminent collapse, according to network analyst Ron Powers.

"Look at the massive network strain witnessed after the Paris Hilton sex tape was released, and let's be honest, she's a skank. Imagine what would happen if nude pictures or videos were released of a celebrity who's actually attractive."

Internet providers are taking no chances. Comcast and Verizon are piloting programs to implement bandwidth caps to prevent such a scenario from unfolding.

Ron Powers' company, SpiderWeb Logistics International, has been running simulations to predict exactly what kind of fallout to expect.

"Say pictures of Jessica Alba's vagina were to surface, we categorize this as a 'Class C Catastrophe' where developing countries would lose network access entirely and ATM cards would cease to work worldwide for upwards of three days.

"Now, let's imagine the Olsen Twins released a lesbian porno. We don't even have a way to categorize such an event; that's what we refer to as a 'Global Killer.'"

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Visitor from Future Kills Local Man, Arrested

D'Starkville, IN - Cops arrested Rezn0r 13-Z B1ggs today for the murder of local man Ed Hodges. B1ggs reportedly hails from the year 2434 and travelled back to the present in an attempt to prevent the future birth of Hodges' great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Vacim3r 14-R III, the Grand Ossimer of All Nine Planets and Eater of Cute Little Babies.

Upon his arrest, B1ggs vaporized Sheriff Deputy Lyon Phillips with a 'meltzapper' and drove away in Phillips' squad car. Witnesses reportedly heard B1ggs yell, "Arrest me? I just saved the future, bitches! I'm off to Vegas to party with some hookers!"

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Fat Woman Grosses Out Local Man

D'Starkville, IN - Local man Bruce Willows was grossed out today by a fat woman while visiting an area Wal-mart. The woman was reportedly wearing sweatpants bearing the word 'juicy' and a t-shirt depicting Tweety Bird.

"She was wearing a thong, for crying out loud. She must have been three, four hundred pounds. Looked like she was pregnant with a fully grown man. Her clothes were all dirty and stretched out, and she had this brown spot right between her gigantic ass cheeks."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Hubble Captures Image of Cosmic Boobs

Houston, TX - NASA scientists using the Hubble Telescope to probe the outer reaches of space have snapped an image bearing a strong resemblance to a pair of well-endowed female breasts.

Says scientist Marcus Ribbs, "It just goes to show that the universe really does revolve around breasts. They're an integral part of the fundamental forces driving existence."

Dubbed the 'Sweater Puppy Nebula', the image captures two side-by-side red stars surrounded by tiny red blobs, both encased by perfectly spherical pink blobs. Ribbs continued:

"In some ways this convinces me of Intelligent Design, or, better yet, Perverted Design."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.