Book Review: You Can be the Awesomest

A self-help book? Why? I don't understand why I can't review something by Chabon or Murakami. What next, moneymaking scam books? Joel Tarder's book You Can be the Awesomest is a good book for you if you're a mouth-breathing Oprahphile.

Clearly, there's no way I'm going to read this book, but juding from our audience, I'm sure all of you will rush right out to pick up this gem so you can leave it prominently displayed in your lavatories and visitors to your house will be able to see just how friggin' retarded you are.

If common sense phrased as encouraging commands is something you think will improve your life, by all means go ahead and give this Tarder guy twenty bucks. If that's not enough, pay the extra fifty and go to his seminar. Motivation? Do you have any idea how much pornography you could buy for twenty bucks? Some. And I guarantee that will make you more productive.

You Can be the Awesomest

Joel Tarder

Totally Not a Scam Publishing

Retail Price: $34.95

Book Review: The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men

I have the worst job in the world. Honestly, I'm surprised women are even able to write books. Tina Hesper's book, The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men, will apparently teach you how to properly use battery-powered self-lovin' machines and successfully lick carpet for the rest of your days. While the chick on the cover is pretty hot, I'm not going to waste my time reading Feminazi propaganda.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about an interesting episode of Murder Solvers I saw the other night. So this millionaire's wife gets killed, and, of course, they think the millionaire did it, but it turns out it was her high school English teacher. I mean, that's brilliant! Who would ever suspect a high school English teacher of a murder? Classic Murder Solvers.

Murder Solvers is on DBC every Wednesday at 8:30.

The Ladies' Guide to Quitting Men
Tina Hesper
Pantybuncher Publishing
Retail price: $19.95

Why is Everyone so Obsessed With This Megan Fox Girl?

D'Starkville, IN - Seriously, the Diatribe cannot understand what America's boggle is. She just isn't that hot. She just comes off as trashy, kind of a bitch, and not smart. Actually, that's the answer right there: Americans are dumb, so of course they like dumb girls.

Makes sense.

Still, the extent to which this woman is being fawned over is ridiculous, even for you guys. She_is_just_not_that_attractive.

But hey, whatever floats your boat.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Local Bar Full of Assholes

D'Starkville, IN - The D'Starkville Diatribe has learned of a local bar which, astoundingly, manages to be completely full of assholes on any given night. The bar in question, Cobb's Drinkhole, contains every variety of asshole, from the Big Dumb Asshole, all the way down to the Skinny Sarcastic Asshole.

There's a good chance these are the same assholes you went to high school with, and the intensity of their asshole-itude hasn't diminished over time, in fact, it's probably been magnified by years of bitterness and resentment.

It's enough to make you pray for a fire.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Texting While Driving Leads to More Hook-ups

Jacksonville, FL - The Mayweather Institute of Driving Studies has determined that those who engage in texting while driving have, on average, over twice as many sexual encounters as those who refrain from texting while driving. Roger Potts, a guy with a cell phone, had this to say about the subject:

"Yo, I was textin' this girlie, this fly bitch, and she was all like, 'come over here and let's do it,' and I was all like, 'yeah, that sounds good,' and I went over there and she was all bobbin' up and down on my knob. It was awesome."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Cleveland Browns Ruin Perfect Season by Accidentally Winning A Game

Cleveland, OH - Seeing it written out like that, it looks like someone is saying, 'Cleveland...oh.' Like someone sees the word Cleveland and says 'oh' in disappointment. Much like the perpetual disappointment of being a Cleveland Browns fan.

After ruining their perfect season, the Browns have been debating over whether to forfeit the rest of the season and have the players commit seppuku as a means of atoning for their horrible performance, the coaching staff and management have decided to continue to play football in order to achieve what 13 year-old Steelers fan Chad Bobbins calls an 'epic fail'.

Janitor and Head Coach Phil Harnsworth had this to say, "Our motives are actually really pure. If we were to actually beat another team, which isn't likely, it would be really embarassing for them. By playing horrible football, we allow other teams to bulk up their stats and their wins. This increases the profile of the NFL, and as members of the NFL, we benefit indirectly."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Don't Fall for Tomorrow's Balloon Hoax

Denver, COLORADO - Tomorrow, you may find yourself watching a shiny silver disc float across the dusty plains. You may even find that it's on every channel, being covered by a myriad of news outlets. If they tell you there's a 6 year-old boy inside it, don't believe them.

I'll tell you right now, he'll be hiding in the attic.

Now, you might write this off, after all, nobody's heard about the Heenes since they were on Wife Swap, and they're just not that interesting to begin with. However, tomorrow, they will become instant celebrities, for a moment. After a few days of investigating, the depths of the hoax will be revealed. The child might even throw up on live television.

Now, our source, a respected Jamaican psychic who claims she can see the future, does not always manage to hit the headlines of tomorrow with 100 percent accuracy, we just want to be the first to cover this story, since we think it'll be big.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Menthol Cigarette Exclusion Seen as Racist

Washington, DC - With recent tobacco legislation banning the sale of flavored cigarettes and labels advertising cigarettes as 'light,' many are asking why menthol cigarettes were excluded from these new restrictions. Leading a protest outside the Washington Memorial, Jesse Jackson had this to say:

"You know who smokes menthol cigarettes? Black people. You know who made these rules? White people. The message Congress, a bunch of old white guys, is sending loud and clear is that they don't care if black people get lung cancer and die. So we're out here protesting. And suing. Suing to get money for the people--black people."

Jackson coughed as he lit up a menthol cigarette, saying, "Damn, that's smooth."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Family Guy Continues to Push Limits of Medocrity

Hollywood, CA - Fox's hit television show Family Guy returns for a new season of poop jokes and hastily patched-together noncanonical visual gags on Sundays this fall. Family Guy continues to use all the plot devices of a show whose writers have clearly run out of stories.

Let's have a rundown: time travel? Check. Interdimensional travel? Check. A mediocre character being featured in his own spinoff? Check. Peter in a leather jacket jet-skiing over a shark? Check.

When asked for comment, Seth MacFarlane said, "Our show is beloved by millions of people around the world and continues to be lucrative. Your fake newspaper is read by nobody and makes no money. I can understand why you'd be jealous and write snarky articles."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Michael Moore is Such a Rebel

Flint, MI - Michael Moore, with his new movie Capitalism: A Love Story, continues to tell us everyday working schlubs what's wrong with our society. Moore, whose movies have made him tens of millions of dollars, uses his latest film to point out why a system that allows him to make tens of millions of dollars is bad. When asked for comment, he said:

"This system, which has made me tens of millions of dollars, is bad for Americans, and also for me, even though, like I said, it's made me tens of millions of dollars."

When asked if that meant he would give the money back, Moore laughed.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Probe Sent to Uranus

Houston, TX - A group of nerds with glasses and pocket protectors, NASA, have decided it's time Uranus got probed. Using the largest probe ever sent to Uranus, NASA, according to Rocket Scientist Darryl Hammerdine, says, "We really want to get in there, get into Uranus, and take a look around."

In the past, getting a probe to Uranus has been rough, but with recent advances in technology, NASA plans to 'astro-glide' the probe straight to Uranus.

Hammerdine has promised there will be lots of pictures of Uranus on the internet after the project is complete.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Wham!: Rock Band to be Released Next Month

Atlanta, GA - While the Beatles version of Rock Band had limited appeal, Electronic Arts hopes to capture the attention (and dollars) of the masses with the latest entry in the Rock Band series, Wham!: Rock Band.

While critics have always respected the band's artistic integrity, the release of Wham!: Rock Band leaves some pundits skeptical about the motives of George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley, the duo behind Wham!

Says blogger and all-around asshole Josh Harper, "It used to be about the music for Wham! but now it feels like they're just trying to cash in."

Random guy Eddie Scruggs had this to say about the upcoming release, "You know, they used to play that goddamn Wake Me Up Before You Go Go song like all the time, and now that crap's gonna start all over again. And don't get me started on Last Christmas."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Obama Finally Achieves World Peace

Washington, DC - President Obama, with the assistance of the world leaders of every nation on Earth, has finally achieved what was once thought impossible: permanent world peace.

Working with the UN, Obama sponsored a resolution requesting that 'all nations should stop all this 'war' jive and get on the peace bus.' Every nation, including typical holdouts like Venzuela, North Korea, and Iran, decided to sign the non-binding document.

Israel and Palestine were both signatories to the document, and even in the Gaza Strip, where gunfire could still be heard ringing through the streets, one resident proclaimed, "World peace feels a lot like war."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Aliens Thwart US Plan to Blow Up Moon

Moon, THE - As a NASA rocket using 'kinetic energy' to 'impact the Moon' to 'test the ejecta plume for water' neared its target, the promised live video feed of the event was cut. While NASA is officially blaming the loss of the feed on 'technical issues,' the final frames of live video sent over the web clearly depict saucer-like objects closing in on the camera.

Astronomers with powerful telescopes are feverishly blogging to anyone that will listen that the promised impact never occurred, reporting instead that the rocket and its companion probe exploded before they hit the surface.

NASA and the US government have imposed a media embargo on the entire event, instead insisting that malfunctions cut the feed and that the event was a 'total success'.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Sarah Palin Refuses to Just Go Away

Moosecock, AK - Despite losing the presidential election, resigning as governor of Alaska, and being roundly criticized for her cheerfully ignorant demeanor, Sarah Palin refuses to do the one thing everybody wants her to do: just GO AWAY.

When asked why she keeps grasping desperately for the attention of an irritated public, Palin said, "Is it because I'm an attention whore with no substance behind my mavericky-yet-blue-collar persona? You betcha!"

When asked about Sarah Palin, Russian puppeteer Vladimir Putin said, "We don't need to see her on the news, we can see her house from here."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Book Review: Defecating Your Way to a Thinner You

Nina Taylor's new book, Defecating Your Way to a Thinner You hits bookshelves this winter. Should you read it? Well, that's the question my whip-cracking superiors are paying me to answer for you.

To be fair, reader, I haven't read this book. It's occupying space on the desk in front of me. It features a thin, beautiful woman standing next to a toilet and smiling daemonically. She's kind of hot. I wonder if she knew what she was actually posing for when this picture was taken, as it looks like she was photoshopped in.

If she did know, she's probably desperate for work. To be that desperate and that good-looking means she has low self-esteem. Okay, so, if any of you recognize this girl, or can suggest a way for me to get in contact with her to ask her out on a date, let me know.

Defecating Your Way to a Thinner You

Nina Taylor

Porcelain Publishing

Retail price: $14.95

Automakers Continue to Produce Ugly Cars

Detroit, MI - Despite nearly a decade of sagging auto sales and an overwhelming backlash from consumers, nearly every major automaker has continued to produce progressively uglier cars. It's a trend that started decades ago with Fieros and El Caminos and continues through the present with Avalanches and Hummers. Auto Sales Analyst Burt Weener explains:

"Automakers are so caught up with 'futuristic' designs that they've lost sight of what people actually want, which is 'cool-looking' designs that will get them some tail. Trying to get laid in a Prius? Fat chance. And with these next-generation hybrids and electric cars, the planet may live a little longer but auto aesthetics will likely be dealt a painful deathblow."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

One of my friends recently started selling AmWay, and now he wants me to follow suit. Should I do this? Will I make mountains of money?

Sincerely,

Future Millionaire

Moneybags-

You strike me as one of those people who responds to every e-mail from every Nigerian billionaire who chooses you to inheirit his fortune.

To answer your question: Yes! Definitely! The secret to success and infinite wealth has always been selling snow globes and fake jewelry out of your garage. Not only that, but just by merely spreading the word of this successful method, you will make mountains of money.

You deserve easy success, and you shouldn't have to work hard for it because you're special. That's what you want to hear, right? That you're special and your path to financial security should be as easy as jumping into Scrooge McDuck's money bin and scooping handfuls and handfuls into your pockets.

Good luck with your idiocy.

Adding your letter's return address to the sex offender database,

Editor

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Internet 'One Snatch Away From Meltdown'

Silicon Valley, CA - The Internet, a computer network built by NASA scientists as a means of distributing pictures of Britney Spears' vagina, is on the brink of imminent collapse, according to network analyst Ron Powers.

"Look at the massive network strain witnessed after the Paris Hilton sex tape was released, and let's be honest, she's a skank. Imagine what would happen if nude pictures or videos were released of a celebrity who's actually attractive."

Internet providers are taking no chances. Comcast and Verizon are piloting programs to implement bandwidth caps to prevent such a scenario from unfolding.

Ron Powers' company, SpiderWeb Logistics International, has been running simulations to predict exactly what kind of fallout to expect.

"Say pictures of Jessica Alba's vagina were to surface, we categorize this as a 'Class C Catastrophe' where developing countries would lose network access entirely and ATM cards would cease to work worldwide for upwards of three days.

"Now, let's imagine the Olsen Twins released a lesbian porno. We don't even have a way to categorize such an event; that's what we refer to as a 'Global Killer.'"

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Visitor from Future Kills Local Man, Arrested

D'Starkville, IN - Cops arrested Rezn0r 13-Z B1ggs today for the murder of local man Ed Hodges. B1ggs reportedly hails from the year 2434 and travelled back to the present in an attempt to prevent the future birth of Hodges' great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Vacim3r 14-R III, the Grand Ossimer of All Nine Planets and Eater of Cute Little Babies.

Upon his arrest, B1ggs vaporized Sheriff Deputy Lyon Phillips with a 'meltzapper' and drove away in Phillips' squad car. Witnesses reportedly heard B1ggs yell, "Arrest me? I just saved the future, bitches! I'm off to Vegas to party with some hookers!"

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Fat Woman Grosses Out Local Man

D'Starkville, IN - Local man Bruce Willows was grossed out today by a fat woman while visiting an area Wal-mart. The woman was reportedly wearing sweatpants bearing the word 'juicy' and a t-shirt depicting Tweety Bird.

"She was wearing a thong, for crying out loud. She must have been three, four hundred pounds. Looked like she was pregnant with a fully grown man. Her clothes were all dirty and stretched out, and she had this brown spot right between her gigantic ass cheeks."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Hubble Captures Image of Cosmic Boobs

Houston, TX - NASA scientists using the Hubble Telescope to probe the outer reaches of space have snapped an image bearing a strong resemblance to a pair of well-endowed female breasts.

Says scientist Marcus Ribbs, "It just goes to show that the universe really does revolve around breasts. They're an integral part of the fundamental forces driving existence."

Dubbed the 'Sweater Puppy Nebula', the image captures two side-by-side red stars surrounded by tiny red blobs, both encased by perfectly spherical pink blobs. Ribbs continued:

"In some ways this convinces me of Intelligent Design, or, better yet, Perverted Design."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Game Review: Scribblenauts

Our editorial team apologizes for the recent lack of articles. We've been holed up in our Newsenbunker spending copious amounts of time playing Scribblenauts for the Nintendo DS. It's this awesome game where you type in the names of objects, they appear, and you use them to solve puzzles.

And there's just so much freaking stuff in this game.

Our ten favorite things?
Black hole
Magic carpet
Pegasus
Hydra
Pterosaur
Atom bomb
Shrink ray

Flame sword

Lasso
Grappling Hook

Economists Predict Big Pay Increases for Economists

New York City, NY - A group of economists at the New York Institute of Economics published a report forecasting a large increase in the salaries and rates paid to economists. Samuel Himes, one of the economists involved in preparing the report, said:

"We expect the salaries to increase dramatically, consistently, year after year. The best way for employers of economists to deal with these forecasted pay increases is probably to give hefty bonuses and pre-emptive raises as an incentive to keep economists from jumping ship to other companies."

According to the New York Times classified ads, the going rate for an economist to speak at your gathering is $3.00 per hour.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

RETRACTION: Cameroon Not Real Country

D'Starkville, IN - Our staff would like to apologize for an inaccurate article we printed disputing the existence of the nation of Cameroon. We were hesitant to acknowledge the country as a real place because of its dumb and made-up sounding name, but after a deluge of letters and e-mails and a quick trip to Google Maps (which could be a digital hoax, you know, not everything you see on the internet is real...) we are forced to concede that Cameroon probably does exist.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Tyler Perry Not Funny

Los Angeles, CA - After an exhaustive search for someone who thinks Tyler Perry is funny, the D'Starkville Diatribe was unable to find even one person. And we weren't alone. Gloop Polls did a telephone survey of over 1000 individuals to try and find someone who thought Tyler Perry's penchant for dressing up like a fat old woman was even slightly amusing and couldn't find even one individual who did.

"There could be multiple explanations for this," says Gloop founder Rodney Schenck, "people may not want to admit that they find him funny, or the demographic that does find him funny does not own telephones, or it could be that he's terribly funny and everybody in the world is just too stupid to realize it."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Link Between UFO Abductees and Mental Illness

Stuttgart, CA - Researchers have drawn a link between UFO abductees and mental illness. Utilizing MUFON reports from as far back as 1985, researchers have found a 100 percent correlation between abductees and 'being complete nutjobs'.

"Those researchers are just part of the conspiracy to silence us, man," says Jamie Hillard, an abuctee, "disinformation, misinformation, they brought down the Towers, they're the same ones who deny that Obama is a Lizardman and Hilary Clinton authorized the Kennedy Assasination in 2004 using time-traveling assassins. You think it's a coincidence? Do you? Who are you, anyway? Why are you recording this? I know what you're up to man. You might be able to silence me, but you'll never be able to silence the movement. You'll never silence the truth!"

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Cooties Causes Cancer in Laboratory Rats

Rockefeller, NY - Scientists studying the effects of cooties in laboratory animals have found a strong correllation between infected animals and the development of cancer, particularly cancer of the genitals.

Says Bell Green, one of the researchers, "All these years we've been downplaying the severity of cooties, only to find that it's a killer as strong as, if not stronger than, smoking."

Children who have contracted cooties are advised not to touch other children, especially girls, as girls are especially virulent carriers of the disease.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Local Woman Puts Out

D'Starkville, IN - Rumors have been circulating around D'Starkville for weeks concerning former tease Sheena Willows who, as our very lucky sources have personally confirmed, has started putting out.

Our source, who would prefer not to be named, but will be named anyway as Paul Roderick, is on record as saying, "[Sheena] used to be a frigid bitch, but you get a couple drinks in her, and she spreads like butter."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Jay Leno Show Expanded to 6 Hour Daily Format

New York City, NY - With the success of Jay Leno's new show, NBC executives have decided to cancel all of their other evening programming and replace it with Jay Leno from 5-11pm, Monday through Friday.

NBC spokesman Phil Garrety explained, "Until we can work out a six-hour daily format, we will be running the same daily episode six times per day. While we realize that six hours is a lot of time to fill, especially for one person, we have ideas. For example, why not have a two-hour segment where Jay is watching shows on other networks and providing his patented commentary? I'd watch that."

Affilliates across the country are up in arms over NBC's strongarm tactics, which they feel have undermined their authority to choose their own programming. Says one station owner, "What about the freakin' news? And then we have to show Jimmy Fallon? Ridiculous."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Nintendo Capitulates to MOTHER Fans...Sort of

Redmond, WA - Nintendo has announced plans to produce all three games of the MOTHER series in English for the DS and Wii systems--in 3D. The move is seen as a response to the series' rabid fanbase, primarily members of Starmen.net who have coordinated various telephone, letter, and e-mail campaigns to try to persuade Nintendo to give the games more exposure in the US.

In a statement, Reggie Fils-aime, President of Nintendo of America, said, "Oh yes, we love the MOTHER games and we've actually been eager to play 3D versions of them in English for some time, but due to copyright and censorship issues and the small size of the fanbase, it just isn't feasible. However, we've got tons of money and we can do whatever we want, so we're having our top programmer whip up a batch of prototypes for us to play on the DS and Wii systems. They won't be released outside of headquarters, but we'll probably put up a few screenshots to show the MOTHER fans what a good time we're having."

In addition to the remakes, there will also be a sequel, MOTHER 4, which will also be an internal release. Reggie continued:

"Our plan is to have a contest, and the winner of this contest will be allowed to visit Nintendo HQ and watch us play the sequel and the other games. No, they won't get to play, of course, but afterward they'll be able to blog about it to all their friends. Should be good times."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Fishmongers Mourn Downfall of Newspapers

Schuster, MT - Fishmongers from New Hampshire to Florida are mourning the deaths of newspapers across the country. As the price of an ever-decreasing supply of newspapers goes up, fishwrap has gotten harder and harder to come by.

"I can't wrap my fish with reuters.co.uk or nytimes.com," says fisherman Paul Swallows.

Fishmongers have had to come up with new ways to wrap their daily catch.

"Luckily, I still get plenty of junk mail, so I've been wrapping my fish with that," says one.

Another fisherman says he's been printing up FoxNews articles and wrapping his fish with that.

Kanye West was 'Just Kidding'

New York City, NY - In a press conference earlier today, Kanye West revealed that he was 'just kidding, guys. I got nothin' but love for that white girl.'

He then went on to blame his outburst on an alcohol problem and anger issues.

Swift is reportedly still standing at that podium, unable to speak or process sensory input. An MTV spokesman advised that she will be rebooted as soon as possible.

Critics have speculated that the outburst was planned, but MTV vehemently denied this while winking and nodding.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Google to Celebrate Boob Day with New Logo

Mountain View, CA - The internet search behemoth Google, well known for altering their logo to commemorate such events as Thomas Edison's birthday and the 20th anniversary of Zero Wing, has secretly commissioned graphic designers to alter their logo in honor of National Breast Appreciation Day, held annually on September 28th.

The two O's in the Google logo will, of course, be made to resemble a nice set of knockers, but the style and design have yet to be decided. Mock-ups have included breasts resembling those of such starlets as Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry.

Once chosen, the Google-approved boobs will be seen by billions of Internetters around the world. It's been reported that amateurs desperate for a shot at fame have been e-mailing Google pictures of their tits for consideration in the new logo.

Says co-founder Larry Page, "With millions of pictures of boobs in my inbox, I wish there were some way to cash in on this...oh, wait, maybe I can use the internet somehow."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Final Fantasy XIII to Feature Boobs

Tokyo, JP - In its thirteenth incarnation, our sources have determined that the newest Final Fantasy game will feature boobs. While screenshots of the boobs in question have not been officially released, our sources were able to locate leaked images of the boobs.

When questioned about the boobs, a source at SquareEnix stated something in Japanese, which we didn't understand, but we think they said, "We've been making these games for 20 years. We felt it was time to reward our players with a little bit of boob. The technology to render these boobs has come a long way since the NES days."

This is not Final Fantasy's first foray into boobland. Over the years, there have been many instances of 'mythical boob' on characters like Terra (Esper form) in FFVI, Jenova in FFVII, and many of the female monster sprites in various iterations of the games. However, FFXIII will be the first game to feature full-frontal human female 'erotic boob' in fully-rendered, perfectly-tanned, jiggling 3-D.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Horoscopes Have Scientific Basis in Reality

Zodiac, TN - Turns out those horoscopes you've been secretly using to plan your life have scientific merit. According to quantum physicist Roald Tonberry, the accuracy of horoscopes relies on a mixture of placebo, luck, and quantum mechanics.

"We used to think their accuracy was due to the fact that they only made 12 kinds of predictions and relied on incredibly vague phrasing, but it turns out that a horoscope is actually specific to the individual."

In a process known as 'instancing', upon receiving a horoscope, the reader's reality branches off into a parallel universe where the prediction comes true.

"Here's an example, let's say a horoscope for Aries says, 'Your creepy neighbor will try to feel you up in the elevator at 7:15 this evening.' Clearly, that's not going to be true for 1 in 12 people. However, with instancing, it can come true for each individual who reads it because they are each living in a parallel reality. This is the same way that God can answer prayers for victory for members of opposing sports teams without creating paradox."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Compatibility Tests Utilize Placebo Effect

Dinglebury, NT - Have you met someone using an online matchmaker website? Odds are, you have, and a study orchestrated by MatchMates thinks they know why. Orrin Belcher, led a team of researchers who interviewed couples who met through online dating sites to determine just how compatible they really were.

"It turns out that compatibility has absolutely nothing to do with what kind of music you like or what your favorite television show is," says Belcher, "what really matters is the comparative hotness of the people in the relationship."

Those who were unhappy upon meeting their online matches gave a common response as to why, as Belcher explains:

"Fat, dumpy people are just as unpopular on the internet as they are in real life. Turns out that, just like in the real world, the only people who will date pig monsters are other pig monsters."

And for those who considered themselves happy?

"They inevitably think it's fate, magic, that despite all odds, they ended up with someone who met their nailability standards. The sad truth is, they'd feel the same way if they met ANYBODY hot enough, I mean, these are desperate losers we're talking about here, dredging a digital garbage dump for a mate. Let's be realistic here."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Megan Fox and Jessica Alba Very Attractive

D'Starkville, IN - The editorial staff of the D'Starkville Diatribe would like to take this opportunity to inform its readers that they believe Megan Fox and Jessica Alba are hot. It is our recommendation that they continue to take sexy photographs and appear in movies, preferably together in a passionate embrace.

If forced to choose between the two, Jessica Alba would win, but it would be very close. The staff here spends lots of time viewing pictures of both of them...for news-related research.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Tattoos Linked to Intelligence

Seattle, WA - Researchers have found a link between tattoos and intelligence, or, rather, a lack thereof. After performing IQ tests on a group of people with tattoos and those without, it appears those with tattoos consistently scored 20 percent lower than those without.

Even more surprising was the link between types of tattoos and relative intelligence. For example, those with tattoos of chinese kanji characters tended to score near the bottom of the list, while those with tattoos of birds scored near the top.

While the data itself is indisputable, the interpretation is not. Is this an example of correlation or causation? Researchers wondered whether the tattoo made its owner dumber or if dumber people were more prone to get tattoos.

A side study focused on the intelligence of those with piercings, finding that those with piercings were less intelligent than their unpierced counterparts. The results of that study were unsurprising, as the bulk of piercings are found on/in women.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Inaccuracy Found on Wikipedia Page

Southville, MS - A sharp-eyed internetter spotted an inaccuracy on a page of wikipedia.com, the world's most popluar source of knowledge and the bane of professors everywhere.

Scott Tinsberger, a conspiracy theorist, noticed that the entry for the Mass Forest UFO Incident listed the name of the primary witness as Reginald instead of Ronald.

"You can bet I wanted to edit that page right then and there," he said, "but I was unable to because it was locked. I'm not surprised, though. The powers that be want us to be misinformed. Thats why they spread this disinformation."

A search on Wikipedia for the page in question resulted in 0 results...further evidence of a conspiracy?

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Hotmail Now Used Only for Spam

Redmond, WA - A recent survey of internet users has confirmed what has been widely suspected for some time: Hotmail accounts are used only for spam. Evan Jones, a man sitting across from me at the coffee shop, explains:

"G-mail accounts are used by real people either as their primary acounts, or for storage. Yahoo can go either way, with some accounts being real and others used only to send out Yahoo Groups porno spam, and Hotmail, well Hotmail is used mostly by Nigerian scammers and the elderly."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

eBay: America's Flea Market

D'Starkville, IN - Many of our readers have asked us, 'What is eBay?' so we've decided to break it down for you, Diatribe-style.

eBay is a place to sell crap you don't want. You need a computer, an internet connection, and some kind of account to facilitate currency exchange. With these requirements out of the way, the next step is to take a picture of the object in question.

One fun thing people like to to is take pictures of shiny objects with a reflection of their dangles on the surface of the object. The D'Starkville Diatribe does not condone this behavior, but does find it amusing.

Once you find a rube to buy your junk, you ship it off, and money magically appears in your account. Magic!

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

MySpace Only Used by Crappy Musicians

Champagne, IL - An analysis of the user makeup of the once-popular site MySpace.com has revealed that the site is comprised almost entirely of crappy musicians. Former site user Milo Kazinsky explains:

"It started with a few bands, and you'd tolerate their friend request and ignore them afterwards, and then, as time went on, it became more and more garage bands spamming you nonstop to friend their shitty bands. It the end, MySpace became a bunch of wannabe rock stars that nobody cared about whoring themselves out to each other.

"Now I'm on Facebook, and I don't have those problems. But now I have to deal with quizzes and apps and pirate games and fishing games and fake bartending programs and all these groups and organizations who want me to 'become a fan' of them. Yeah, life's much simpler now."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Google to Index DNA of Every Living Individual

Mountain View, CA - Google has announced its newest project today, a plan to index the DNA of every living individual. Dubbed GoogleGenes, the goal is to create a searchable database containing every living individual's DNA information.

To use GoogleGenes, one will simply need a biological sample and a USB-complatible dongle which will analyze the sample. Dr. Winston, the visionary behing GoogleGenes, explained the process as follows:

"One simply needs a hair, blood, urine, stool, or skin sample from an individual, which is then placed in the microanalysis chamber where it is analyzed and compared to the master database. Afterwards, the identity of the individual is revealed, as well as any drug use, genetic disorders or any homosexual or Republican-leaning tendencies the individual may have."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Most YouTube Videos are Crap

Edgeworth, CA - Pollsters have determined that most of the videos posted on popular video streaming site YouTube are crap. Utilizing a crap-detecting algorhythm, the pollsters monitored users to determined which videos were good and which were crap. After analyzing six weeks' worth of results generated by over six thousand users, it was shown that over 98 percent of videos posted by users were, in fact, crap.

Ed Jenkins, the man behind the project, said, "I mean, really, it wasn't surprising. When I do a search for Paris Hilton, I don't get any usable results. It's a complete disappointment."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Actual Job Posted on craigslist.org

San Francisco, CA - A shockwave of surprise almost brought the internets down today as a genuine ad for a real job was found on craigslist.org. The job was a position as a cook at a fast food restaurant, but it was a real job nonetheless. Regular internet user Brad Higgins was also surprised.

"It had contact info. It wasn't trying to sell me a massage. It wasn't telling me how to make six hundred dollars an hour from my computer...actually, I'm pretty sure it was a mistake."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Drudge Report Mistaken for Real News

Carlow, GA - Brett Rasmussen made the mistake of assuming the infamous Drudge Report contained real news. It's a mistake he won't repeat.

"I assumed because they looked like real news articles, it was a real news site. I didn't realize they were cherry-picked news stories presented in such a way as to further one man's political agenda and to finance his fedora fetish."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Local Woman Strings Together Coherent Sentence

D'Starkville, IN - Against all odds, a D'Starkville woman has managed to utter a sentence both filled with meaning and containing no major grammatical inconsistencies.

D'Starkvillian speech, often a maze of slang and unintelligible accents, manages to trap most local residents, but this woman, a certain Mary Lou Hubbard, was able to complete this sentence:

"Let's go back to my apartment."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

RETRACTION: Area Teen Finally Gets Some

D'Starkville, IN - In our September 8th Edition we reported that local teen Shamus Rhodes had gotten some, but further investigation reveals that he did not, in fact, get any at all.

The confusion developed when Rhodes was in the locker room with his friends and reported to them that some had been gotten by him, but sources from within the locker room have told our reporters that Rhodes' claims were met with suspicion and that Rhodes is, in fact, 'a lamewad' who has 'never gotten any and probably never will'.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Local Woman is Such a Bitch

D'Starkville, IN - Local woman Stacey Mills has a reputation for being 'such a bitch'. While being moderately attractive, her closed-minded attitude, especially when dealing with the advances of famous newsmen, really cancels out any positive attributes she may have had.

In addition to Mills reportedly sleeping with Olan Reading, the editor of the Littleton Gazette, there are rumors that she has herpes. Also, we have received reports that she slept with Joel Radcliffe while babysitting for he and his wife Helen over six years ago.

It's also widely known that Mills had an abortion around that time, supposedly financed by Radcliffe.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Nothing Newsworthy Happening in D'Starkville

D'Starkville, IN - For the third time this week, there is nothing newsworthy happening in D'Starkville. Nearly all these idiots do is watch television and stare blankly at the wall. One guy is cutting his grass, another is getting his mail.

Oh, wait, man, that kid's about to get hit by a car! No, he missed.

Damn.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Area Teen Finally Gets Some

D'Starkville, IN - According to sources, local teen Shamus Rhodes has finally gotten some. Rhodes, a junior at D'Starkville High School, has reportedly managed to get some action from local slut Tricia Haynes. Sources revealed that the teens were 'doing stuff' behind the bowling alley.

Rhodes, a chronic masturbator, and Haynes, a repository for sexually transmitted diseases, are rumored to have gotten as far as third base before Rhodes 'got too excited.'

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Social Security Actually Ponzi Scheme

Washington, DC - Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner called a press conference today regarding decades-old documents which have recently surfaced in one of the storage rooms in the basement of the Treasury.

"According to these documents, Social Security functions like a Ponzi scheme. People pay into it now to cover the expenses of others, banking on the fact that in the future there will be still more people paying into it. This should've been obvious, even to me."

President Obama had a slightly more relaxed outlook, saying, "Geithner, my man, chill out. You're the Secretary of the Treasury. You can just print more money. It'll be okay."

The dollar was down on the news.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Death Evaded, Taxes Remain

Queensboro, MT - Sean Michaels just may be the luckiest man alive. After surviving blood cancer and winning a lottery prize of 68 million dollars, Michaels must've been feeling pretty lucky.

However, after blowing most of his money on cocaine, hookers, and a pro sports franchise, reality caught up quickly.

"I got a notice from the IRS that I owed them 37 million dollars, more than half of what I won. I couldn't believe it. Had I known that, I might not have spent it all..."

Even more crushing for Michaels was learning from his doctor that he has tested positive for AIDS.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Pope Admits Catholicism a Sham

Vatican City, VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict revealed today in a candid interview that the religion of Catholicism is just a big scam.

"It started a few thousand years ago. There were these old, creepy guys who basically wanted to find a way to diddle little kids all day, avoid work, and prance around in fancy costumes. So they got together and set up this system. I mean c'mon, our mascot is a naked guy nailed to wood. Nothing says BDSM like that, right?"

Archbishop Montenegro Rattlesham clarified the Pope's comments, saying, "The old man's off his meds. Don't publish this."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Cigarettes Shown to Cause Euphoria in Addicts

Burghettstown, NC - Scientists in the employ of manufacturer Philip Morris have published a new study showing that cigarettes can cause euphoria in nicotine addicts. The study conisisted of two groups of addicts, with one group kept in a concrete cell without access to food, cable TV, or cigarettes, and another group who were given cigarettes.

After six days, the first group showed signs of malnutrition and depression, but the second group showed signs of euphoria. When the first group was finally allowed to smoke, they also showed signs of euphoria.

"Basically, smoking makes smokers happy," said lead researcher Dr. Edgar Barrows.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Pittsburgh to Shut Off Electricity, Water for G-20

Pittsburgh, PA - Pittsburgh, set to host the G-20 in 2 weeks, will have to undergo some temporary changes to accomodate political and business leaders. Bus traffic will come to a halt, interstates will be closed, and according to Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, electricity and water service will be suspended throughout the greater Pittsburgh area for the duration of the summit.

"This will serve two functions, the first being to ensure that our guests have enough resources, and the second will aid in keeping our city secure. Hard to coordinate an attack without electricity, you know."

In addition to suspending electricity and water and bus service, schools are set to be closed during the G-20 summit. Ravenstahl continued:

"If there were a way to take oxygen away from our residents [in order to facilitate the G-20] believe me, we'd do it."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Local Man's Band to Play at Bar

D'Starkville, IN - The D'Starkville Diatribe has learned that Billy Andrews' band Rocksnake will be playing at Cobb's Drinkhole on Tuesday at 9:30PM. Those interested in watching this Whitesnake cover band's lackluster renditions of such hits as Don't Break My Heart Again and Would I Lie to You can show up at Cobb's with five dollars for the cover, but should probably bring at least fifty dollars so they can afford to get drunk enough to be able to tolerate Andrew's vomit-inducing vocals.

Rumor has it that Andrews started the band as a way to take his mind off his heroin addiction, an addiction he probably developed as a means of dealing with the shame of sleeping with his cousin, Loretta Andrews.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Local Man's Son Not Actually Honor Roll Student

D'Starkville, IN - The D'Starkville Diatribe's hard-hitting, award-winning investigators have uncovered a scandal within the seemingly-quiet hamlet that is D'Starkville. Local residents who find themselves stuck behind slow-driving, turn-signal nonuser Jefferey Bowers are greeted by a bumper sticker on the rear fender of his 1973 Buick Skylark informing them that his son, twelve year-old Eric Bowers, is an Honor Roll student at D'Starkville Middle School.

After a thorough investigation, our reporters have found this claim to be false. One of Eric's teachers had this to say about the matter:

"Honor Roll? That little bastard? Never in a million years. When he's not sniffing glue he's using the turtles from the science lab as hockey pucks."

Our reporters have also managed to obtain transcripts of Eric's grades, and are able to report that he gets mostly C's and a few D's. Charges have not been filed against Bowers, but hopefully they will be soon.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Editor Can't Wait for New Season of 'House'

D'Starkville, IN - This local newspaper editor simply cannot wait for the new season of House to start on September 21st on Fox, Monday at 8/7 central.

"He just does the zaniest shit. He can't save a patient without almost killing him four times. And he's such a bastard. I freaking love House.

"It totally freaks me out when I see Hugh Laurie as a guest on another show and he talks with his British accent. Like when he was on Saturday Night Live. Classic."

In an attempt at full disclosure, this humble newshound was not compensated by Fox for this article with free DVDs or autographed memorabilia, but would very much like to be.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Jessica Simpson Still Hot

D'Starkville, IN - The editor of the D'Starkville Diatribe found himself in a bar last week where he overheard another patron mention something along the lines of 'Jessica Simpson used to be hot, but now she ain't lookin' so good.'

This warranted further research, a chance for the aforementioned editor to put his journalistic skills to good use, so he did just that.

After spending hours poring over internet webpages and comparing recent pictures of Jessica Simpson with past photos of the starlet, this humble newsman has come to the inevitable conclusion that, presented with an opportunity to mate with Jessica Simpson, he would do so.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Wine Flu Infects Millions of Drunks

Sacramento, CA – Hospitals and toilets everywhere are seeing a sharp influx of patients presenting with Wine flu-like symptoms, including dark red vomit, bedspins, and complaints about ‘eating some bad chicken’.

Wine flu has been known to science for thousands of years, but doctors and scientists have yet to find a cure. With the advent of boxed wine, Wine flu has become even more prevalent, with the infected being found at bars, parties, and even weddings.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Obamacare to Insure Pets

Washington, DC – In a speech to a group of dog owners at Paul Revere Memorial Park, President Obama revealed his latest tactic in garnering support for his proposal for socialized medicine: insuring pets.

“For too long have our four-legged friends suffered with medical maladies, which have oftentimes cost them their lives, for want of decent healthcare. All this suffering simply because we can’t ‘afford’ to save our pets? Shit, brother, if the problem is money, we’ve got oodles and oodles of it. Didn’t you see that 2 trillion we gave to the banks? No? If we run out, we can print more of it. If that doesn’t work, we can just keep writing China IOUs.

“No Portuguese Water Dog of mine is going to die of leukemia just because ‘the government’ doesn’t think he should receive treatment. I AM THE GOVERNMENT, and I say let sleeping dogs LIVE!”

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Zombies Campaign for Right to Vote

Monroeville, PA – A group calling itself 'Deadizens of America' has been campaigning vigorously for the right to vote. The group, led by Morgana Entwhistle, has been protesting in front of the Monroeville Mall holding signs and placards for over three weeks.

“America is supposed to be about freedom for everyone. Vampires and werewolves have had voting rights for over fifty years, but state and federal lawmakers have been denying us this basic liberty for the entirety of our afterlives,” Entwhistle said.

“Even when we are allowed to cast our vote, they call it ‘voting fraud’, which is ridiculous. The only fraud here is this sham of a government which thinks it can go on ignoring the rights of our ever-growing ranks.”

With the apocalypse scheduled for 2012, the population of the undead is expected to swell to hitherto unseen levels, with some analysts predicting zombies outnumbering the living as early as 2013.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

While I was trekking through the woods last week to find the ultimate camping spot, I came across a real live manticore. This was not a docile creature. I sustained severe injuries in the ensuing struggle, but thankfully, I was able to escape with my life.

Now that I’m out of the hospital, I’m left with a question: why is a supposedly mythical creature roaming the outlands of D’Starkville?

Sincerely,
One-legged Man

Leg-

A manticore is basically a lion with a human head, and sometimes possesses wings. As you so eloquently pointed out, they are, in fact, mythical creatures, so I can assure you that the creature that attacked you was probably not a manticore.

If what you’re suggesting is that the manticore you saw was the product of a DNA-chimeratizing experiment which managed to escape its confines and terrorize the countryside, we can all agree that your theory is completely ridiculous.

My advice to you is to stop ingesting psychotropic chemicals before you go strolling through the woods picking fights with brown bears.

Never leaving home without his battle axe,
Editor

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Los Angeles Wildfire Started by Firefly

Los Angeles, CA - As hellfire engulfed much of Hollywood and destroyed over 10 billion dollars’ worth of movie lots and Asian massage parlors, officials investigating the cause of the blaze have determined the cause: a firefly.

Living up to its name, one of the insects spontaneously combusted near a pile of dry leaves, starting the fire which has forced thousands of celebrities out of their homes and into their other homes.

While the number of people killed an injured in the inferno may never be known because officials are not required to keep track, our sources have confirmed that 23 Hummers and 15 Porsches have been melted down to their frames. A Lamborghini was reported damaged, but is expected to be fully drivable once suitable repairs have been made.

Obama has offered government aid to replace the totaled cars.

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

New iPhone to Feature Bottle Opener

Silicon Valley, CA - In front of a crowd of thousands, Steve Jobs presented the latest iteration of the best-selling iPhone, showing off its newest features including a built-in bottle opener. He demonstrated the new model by opening a bottle of Corona Extra.

Apple fanboys gasped and fawned over the improvements, many of them blogging about their excitement from their seats before Jobs could even finish his presentation.

“We haven’t run out of ideas,” Jobs said, “we’re definitely still relevant. I’m holding proof of that right here in my hand. Please don’t buy a Palm Pre or a BlackBerry. I’m wearing a turtleneck, can’t you see that? I’m like a beatnik, I’m counterculture. I’m not corporate at all. Microsoft, they’re the real enemy. You ever see Bill Gates wearing a turtleneck? No. You know who else you’ll never see wearing a turtleneck? Hitler. Just sayin’.”

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Obama to Speak to Nation’s Prisoners

Washington, DC - President Obama is scheduled to give a speech this week to prisoners incarcerated across the US. The speech will be broadcast live to every medium- and high-security facility in the continental United States.

The topics of the speech will be healthcare reform and the economy. An excerpt from the planned speech is reproduced below:

“We want every American to enjoy the quality healthcare you are currently receiving in our first-class correctional institutions. When/if you are ever released, it’s your duty to convince your fellow Americans, by force if necessary, of the benefits of mandatory health care.

“And when you are released, many of you may find yourselves stealing cars. Please remember that it is your patriotic duty to steal foreign cars, which will in turn drive auto sales, preferably sales of American-made cars.”

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Swine Flu to Infect 9 Billion

Washington, DC - Epidemiologists working for the CDC have predicted that over 9 billion people will be infected this year alone by the H1N1 virus. Using computer models and sophisticated prediction methods, researchers have concluded that the number of infected people shall exceed the number of people on the Earth sometime around November.

“It’s not a matter of ‘if’ but a matter of when,” says CDC spokeswoman Hannah Jacobs.

While the H1N1 virus has been described by some doctors as less virulent than the common flu, the possibility exists that it could mutate and become more dangerous. According to one scientist, the virus ‘could learn to open doors, operate small arms, and decimate the hard drives of computers vital to the nation’s infrastructure.’

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Drugs Found inside Mule

D'Starkville, IN - Police swarmed a local farm this morning after reports of strange noises emanating from the property. After a thorough search, police were shocked to find sixteen pounds of Turkish hashish jammed inside one of Ed Blocher's mules.

"Well, hell, I ain't got no idea where that come from," Ed said upon questioning.

Officers believed him, and he was released from custody a few hours later. The mule, however, is being held under suspicion of Posession with Intent to Distribute.

Local Woman Graduates from High School

D'Starkville, IN - Local woman Loretta Benson has defied the odds and done the unthinkable: she has graduated from D'Starkville High. While many residents were skeptical about such a feat being accomplished again within our lifetimes, Loretta's achievement is inspiring a whole generation of D'Starkville youths to reach for their dreams.

"I would like to thank the community for being so supportive. Really, I would. But I can't. None of you helped me, not even a little. This town is full of ignorant hicks and when I leave this place, I won't look back," Loretta said during her graduation speech.

Due to the lack of qualified professionals residing here, the city council passed a law last year specifying that within D'Starkville's city limits, a high school diploma will now allow one to practice medicine, become a lawyer, or function as a notary public.

UFO Described as ‘Cylinder with Wings’

D'Starkville, IN - Jefferey Winters told our reporter the object he saw 'floated across the sky like a metal bird.' Other witnesses were just as confused by the object. The sighting occurred at roughly 3pm.

"There was this white smoke trailing behind it, possibly some kind of Martian chemical," states another witness. "And the speed of it was unreal, as fast as like 10, maybe even 20 horses put together."

Yet another witness came forward, stating she was able to get a better view of the object using binoculars. "There was this weird writing on it, difficult to make out, I think the first word was 'united,' but I can't be sure."

The Diatribe would like to take this opportunity to remind our readers that Indianapolis International Airport is located 35 miles from D'Starkville, and that D'Starkville's literacy rate is estimated at 25 percent.

Obamacare to Insure Democrats Only

WASHINGTON, DC - As the latest version of the hotly-disputed healthcare bill passed the House and made its way to the Senate, Republican lawmakers are up in arms about the latest provision tacked onto the legislation.

This latest provision stipulates that while everyone is allowed to purchase the government-funded insurance, surgeries, outpatient and inpatient visits will only be covered for 'patriotic Americans registered with the Democratic party.'

Obama has supported the measure, saying, "This will effectively cut the cost of the program in half, and over time, as Republicans are weeded out of the population, costs are projected to decrease even further."

Paul Dipshitz, a Republican senator from Iowa, disagrees. "While it's controversial, I doubt this provision will really make all that much of a difference. Most Republicans already have health insurance through their jobs, you know, because they do have jobs, and don't receive welfare benefits. So they'll be covered even when this ridiculous program fails. Me? As a senator I have really good health insurance, so I'm not too worried about it."

New Doomsday Threat: Micro Machines

San Francisco, CA - With nanobots and malevolent artificial intelligence already weighing on their minds, scientists are now warning of a new threat: Micro Machines.

Driven to near-extinction in the late 1990's, a resurgence of the scale-model miniature toys is threatening to 'end all human existence,' according to Blake Rancher, a consultant for the Rand Corporation.

"With the advent of better artificial intelligence and computer chips of ever-decreasing size, it was only a matter of time before someone figured out how to combine these technologies with Micro Machines to create a devastating weapon of mini-destruction."

He elaborated, "Imagine a nearly indestructible miniature-sized Dodge Viper driving down your throat while you sleep, choking you, or a thousand tiny Luke Skywalker figurines swarming you with their adorable little light sabers."

Reed Michaels, Marketing Director for Galoob, the division of Hasbro which produces Micro Machines, made a startling admission, saying, "We've known for some time that the potential was there for Micro Machines to become sentient, possibly even evil, but we were drunk, drunk with our lust for money. The margins were just too good. I mean, ten bucks for something that cost a nickel to produce? It's like we were the RIAA, or an Afghani heroin cartel."

Asked how the company planned to respond to the threat, Michaels said, "We do have a plan, actually. We will produce a set of 'good' Micro Machines to destroy the 'evil' Micro Machines, and we will sell these to the US government at the bargain price of nineteen dollars per unit. Altogether, it should cost slightly less than the recent wars the United States has been involved in."

Kim Jong Il Commits 'Most Spectacular Suicide Ever'

Pyongyang, NK - Four minutes after a North Korean missile crossed into Japanese airspace, the United States Navy shot down the missile and launched a counterstrike, hitting Pyongyang with a tactical nuclear warhead.

Spokesman for the Defense Department Ron Andrews said, "Yeah, man, it was awesome. We watched it hit on this little screen and it was all like, ka-boom!"A Navy engineer, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, "[Jong Il] wasn't hard to find. We just shot a nuke at the only house in North Korea with electricity."

The dictator's remains were identified afterwards, described as a 'charred, four-foot tall corpse wearing Nike sneakers.' Survivors of the blast were surprisingly unmoved by the death of their leader, with one citizen asking, "Do you have any food?"

China has expressed an interest in leasing the country, with plans to build a giant parking lot for its 1.8 billion citizens.

Clothing Retailer Releases Clothing Line for Disabled Individuals

Minnesota, MN - In response to a $100,000k+ fine imposed on the chain for discriminating against a differently-abled individual at their Mall of America branch, a major US retailer has dedicated an entire line of clothing to those suffering with disabilities.

"Our new fall fashions include the most up-to-date burlap sackware, for those of us who want to flaunt our disabilities in style," explains the company's Marketing Director Lori Delp.

"If the burlap sacks aren't enough, we've also allowed our customers to accessorize with these fashionable yellow armbands, meant to symbolize hope. In addition to the armbands, we're offering these environmentally-friendly brown paper bags for our customers to wear over their heads.

"This type of problem has been plaguing the clothing industry for years, but we hope our recent steps to remedy the issue will serve as a final solution to the problem."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

My neighbor is this creepy guy with a giant dent in his head. At night, I can hear him screaming obscenities and breaking things in his house. A few weeks ago, I saw him out on the street and he asked me to lend him five dollars.

He’s mentally unhinged, so I gave it to him.

He has not since repaid the five dollars, which does not surprise me, but my question is this: do I have any means of legal recourse vis-à-vis my five dollars?

Sincerely,
Out Five Bucks

Bucks-

Here are the facts: he’s never going to pay you back, and it’s not worth your time to sue him for five dollars. You’ve no choice but to get over it.

Tightly clutching my wallet,

Editor

UFOs Fight Zombies and Pirates in North Korea

Pyongyang, NK - It's chaos here! In its first 'proxy war' in decades, UFOs have descended on Pyongyang, decimating everything in their path with their plasma blasters and space lasers.

While the UFOs, thought to be here at the behest of the United States, are ravaging the already ravaged nation, zombies (possibly from China) and pirates (we're told they are lost Somalis) are defending the starving and confused citizens of North Korea.

The images and video we've seen and posted so far have been specacular, and there are enough explosions to make a new Transformers movie, but the mainstream media seems to be uniform in its decision to ignore this story. The media embargo will be hard to maintain, as it seems the mayhem is visible even from the International Space Station.

We will keep you posted with more information as we receive it.

Amazon: Deleted Book Never Existed

WASHINGTON - In an embarassing gaffe where Amazon is alleged to have deleted books from consumers' Kindle devices, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos maintains that not only was the book not deleted, it 'never existed to begin with.'

The book, a so-called 1984 written by an unsubstantiated author referred to as George Orwell, was supposedly deleted from users' devices last week. The problem with conclusively verifying this claim is that no physical copies of the book exist, and according to the records of libraries and bookstores, never did.

Bezos pointed to the fact that reporters were unable to find the author himself for comment on this story. "He's not on Twitter, he's not in the phone book...how can an imaginary person write a book?"

Despite these baseless accusations from delusional Kindle users, Amazon's fortunes are expected to rise with next week's release of the title George Bush: The Most Beloved and Best President in American History.

Obama Not US Citizen

Washington, DC - President Obama resigned today, responding to allegations that he is not actually a United States Citizen. He gave his resignation speech in front of thousands at The Mall.

"You figured me out. You know, what amazed me was that I was able to make it all the way through this process without anyone asking to see my birth certificate. I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids..er..Republicans."

Equally surprising was the newly-discovered fine print in the Constitution detailing that 'in the event an eleckted prezident is determined not to be a US citizen, the prezidency will then default to the prior prezident for the rest of the turm.'

While this section of the Constitution was written on the back of the document in crayon, and contained numerous misspellings, Republican legal scholars have advised that 'because it's written on the Constitution, it's legal.'

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

There are so many ways to mix a Long Island Iced Tea. Sometimes they contain tequila, sometimes not. Some bartenders forego the sour mix, some don’t use Coke. I’ve even seen one sketchy drinksmith pour cola into vodka and try to convince me this was somehow acceptable.

So, I want to know, how does one go about making the perfect Long Island Iced Tea?

Sincerely,
Parched in Purgatory

Mr. Caholic-

This is the first time since I’ve taken on the mantle of Editor for this small-town rag that I’ve received a letter that’s really spoken to me on a personal level. Your childlike naïveté has touched me, and you can rest assured your question, a question no doubt shared by scores of like-minded drinkers, will be decisively answered here and now.

The perfect Long Island goes like this: equal parts of vodka, gin, white rum, and triple sec mixed together, add a ½ -shot of lemon juice, shake it up, pour into a glass full of ice spheres (cubes have too much surface area) and, this next step is crucial, open a chilled GLASS BOTTLE of Coca Cola and pour enough to fill the rest of the glass. Stir with a glass rod, decorate with a lemon wedge cut to resemble an elephant.

Drunk before noon,
Editor

New Festish Sweeps Nation

Centerville, NT - A disturbing new fetish is sweeping the nation, something so radical it hasn't even been denounced by the Catholic church yet. A spokesman for Pope Benedict has confirmed that a papal decree banning the practice will be released as soon as the pope figures out what it is.

"It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting," says Centerville resident Kim Peterson, "I caught my son right in the middle of it, and you can be sure he won't be ungrounded anytime soon."

The fetish started in red-light districts in New Amsterdam, but has quickly spread to Singapore, Antarctica, and now the nation's high schools. Teens just don't seem to understand what's wrong about their new sick obsession.

"I just don't see what's so bad about it," states local teen Jack Timber, "zombies need loving, too."

UFOs Continue to Taunt Lunatics

Roswell, NM - UFOs continue to taunt local nutbags without interference from government authorities despite mounting evidence. Randall Crane is one of these nutbags.

"Them UFOs put flaming poop bags on my doorstep, then they flew away in their saucers."When asked if they were also the ones who violated three of his sheep, Crane responded, "Uh...yeah. The UFOs."

Local nutjobs have been collecting evidence against their alien tormentors for years, but the government just won't cave under the mountain of dramatic evidence including: first-hand accounts from drunk people, blurry photographs, and strange tattooos.

President Obama has stated he is 'willing to negotiate with our alien overlords whenever they decide to make their presence publicly known.'

iPods to Protect Against Bad Music

New York, NY - Amid reports that the next generation iPods will protect users' hearing by automatically adjusting volume, a lesser-known feature has been leaked to the media. According to an Apple employee who wishes to remain anonymous for her safety, new iPods will 'protect users from bad music.'

She went on to explain that this doesn't mean censorship against explicit lyrics--new iPods will actually delete bad songs after a set number of listenings. "For example," she said, "one might only be able to listen to Wham's 'Last Christmas' one time before it is automatically deleted."

Users are in an uproar over what constitutes bad music. For example, there have been rumors that iPod owners will be'protected' from entire genres of music, including rap and country music.

One iPod owner, Jimmy Starkes, was irate. "So if I buy these bad songs directly from Apple, and they get deleted after I listen to them once, that means I have to buy them every time I want to listen?"

Ted Kreegan, a market analyst, says yes. "This is basically going to amount to a tax on crappy music. People who are ignorant enough to like these songs are also ignorant enough to keep buying them. It's a brilliant move on Apple's part."

In other news, 50 cent has finally resigned from the music business and Apple's stock was up on the news.

More Media Coverage for Michael Jackson than 9/11

New York, NY - A research study conducted by the Kinsling Institute has proven that Michael Jackson's death has received more media coverage than 9/11.

Scott Rieber, one of the journalists involved in the study, said, "You have to understand, more people were affected by the tragedy of Michael Jackson's untimely death than a few planes crashing."

The study involved the number of articles published in major news outlets and the amount of time each network devoted to a number of topics. According to the Kinsling Institute, the only other topic in history to receive more media coverage [than Jackson's death] was President Obama's Portuguese Water Dog. His inauguration trailed slightly behind Michael Jackson's death.

Hawaii Launches Missile at North Korea

HONOLULU, HI - The state of Hawaii unilaterally launched a missile at North Korea today, apparently as a preemptive measure against the DPRK's planned launch. Hawaii's launch was apparently carried out without the aid of the US military because, according to one Honolulu resident, "that wouldn't be a fair fight."

The missile was constructed from a sewer pipe and Mexican fireworks, a level of sophistication the North Koreans aren't expected to reach for another 'three to six years,' according to an unnamed source inside the Pentagon.

The low-tech missile struck Pyongyang at 8:31 AM, local time, destroying both the nation's only cell phone tower and three of the four buildings in North Korea known to have electricity.

While US President Barack Obama has not officially condoned or condemned Hawaii's actions, a clip circulating on YouTube shows Obama watching the destruction in real-time and chuckling.

The UN is reportedly considering sanctions against Hawaii.

Iranian Protesters Toilet Paper Ahmadinejad's House

TEHRAN, Iran - Clips circulating on Reuters and Breitbart show several college-age Iranian protesters tossing around what appear to be rolls of toilet paper around the trees, fences, and roof of the estate of Iranian President Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian government, sensitive to international criticism in the wake of recent widespread protests, and also needing to refocus the anger of millions of dissidents, have blamed the attacks on Israel, branding the masked youths 'Toilet Paper Terrorists.'

In a speech, Ahmadinejad railed against Israel, stating, "The sophistication of this attack, and the quantity of toilet paper used, clearly points toward support from a governmental entity with vast resources."

Israel's foreign ministry responded with the following statement: "We have not seen conclusive evidence supporting the existence of a country called 'Iran.' We suspect soon that this apocryphal nation will be 'wiped off of maps everywhere' when its claims to existence prove unsubstantiated. Also, Mossad operatives have never been known to use toilet paper in their black-ops. They prefer paintballs."

Man Shows Off World's Smallest Pens

ROCKVILLE, MD - Tony Blackwell has the world's smallest pens, as verified by the Guiness Book of World Records. When asked how he managed to have the world's smallest pens, Tony stated his strange circumstance was 'inherited from his father.'

Pictures of his pens have been circulating on the internet for years, and Tony loves to have his pens photographed between the fingers of beautiful women.

Blackwell's most recent business endeavor involves taking his pens on a cross-country tour. When asked why, Blackwell said, "Men, women, and children of all ages will enjoy seeing, touching, and maybe even having their pictures taken with the world's smallest pens."