UFOs Fight Zombies and Pirates in North Korea

Pyongyang, NK - It's chaos here! In its first 'proxy war' in decades, UFOs have descended on Pyongyang, decimating everything in their path with their plasma blasters and space lasers.

While the UFOs, thought to be here at the behest of the United States, are ravaging the already ravaged nation, zombies (possibly from China) and pirates (we're told they are lost Somalis) are defending the starving and confused citizens of North Korea.

The images and video we've seen and posted so far have been specacular, and there are enough explosions to make a new Transformers movie, but the mainstream media seems to be uniform in its decision to ignore this story. The media embargo will be hard to maintain, as it seems the mayhem is visible even from the International Space Station.

We will keep you posted with more information as we receive it.

Amazon: Deleted Book Never Existed

WASHINGTON - In an embarassing gaffe where Amazon is alleged to have deleted books from consumers' Kindle devices, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos maintains that not only was the book not deleted, it 'never existed to begin with.'

The book, a so-called 1984 written by an unsubstantiated author referred to as George Orwell, was supposedly deleted from users' devices last week. The problem with conclusively verifying this claim is that no physical copies of the book exist, and according to the records of libraries and bookstores, never did.

Bezos pointed to the fact that reporters were unable to find the author himself for comment on this story. "He's not on Twitter, he's not in the phone book...how can an imaginary person write a book?"

Despite these baseless accusations from delusional Kindle users, Amazon's fortunes are expected to rise with next week's release of the title George Bush: The Most Beloved and Best President in American History.

Obama Not US Citizen

Washington, DC - President Obama resigned today, responding to allegations that he is not actually a United States Citizen. He gave his resignation speech in front of thousands at The Mall.

"You figured me out. You know, what amazed me was that I was able to make it all the way through this process without anyone asking to see my birth certificate. I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids..er..Republicans."

Equally surprising was the newly-discovered fine print in the Constitution detailing that 'in the event an eleckted prezident is determined not to be a US citizen, the prezidency will then default to the prior prezident for the rest of the turm.'

While this section of the Constitution was written on the back of the document in crayon, and contained numerous misspellings, Republican legal scholars have advised that 'because it's written on the Constitution, it's legal.'

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

There are so many ways to mix a Long Island Iced Tea. Sometimes they contain tequila, sometimes not. Some bartenders forego the sour mix, some don’t use Coke. I’ve even seen one sketchy drinksmith pour cola into vodka and try to convince me this was somehow acceptable.

So, I want to know, how does one go about making the perfect Long Island Iced Tea?

Sincerely,
Parched in Purgatory

Mr. Caholic-

This is the first time since I’ve taken on the mantle of Editor for this small-town rag that I’ve received a letter that’s really spoken to me on a personal level. Your childlike naïveté has touched me, and you can rest assured your question, a question no doubt shared by scores of like-minded drinkers, will be decisively answered here and now.

The perfect Long Island goes like this: equal parts of vodka, gin, white rum, and triple sec mixed together, add a ½ -shot of lemon juice, shake it up, pour into a glass full of ice spheres (cubes have too much surface area) and, this next step is crucial, open a chilled GLASS BOTTLE of Coca Cola and pour enough to fill the rest of the glass. Stir with a glass rod, decorate with a lemon wedge cut to resemble an elephant.

Drunk before noon,
Editor