Drugs Found inside Mule

D'Starkville, IN - Police swarmed a local farm this morning after reports of strange noises emanating from the property. After a thorough search, police were shocked to find sixteen pounds of Turkish hashish jammed inside one of Ed Blocher's mules.

"Well, hell, I ain't got no idea where that come from," Ed said upon questioning.

Officers believed him, and he was released from custody a few hours later. The mule, however, is being held under suspicion of Posession with Intent to Distribute.

Local Woman Graduates from High School

D'Starkville, IN - Local woman Loretta Benson has defied the odds and done the unthinkable: she has graduated from D'Starkville High. While many residents were skeptical about such a feat being accomplished again within our lifetimes, Loretta's achievement is inspiring a whole generation of D'Starkville youths to reach for their dreams.

"I would like to thank the community for being so supportive. Really, I would. But I can't. None of you helped me, not even a little. This town is full of ignorant hicks and when I leave this place, I won't look back," Loretta said during her graduation speech.

Due to the lack of qualified professionals residing here, the city council passed a law last year specifying that within D'Starkville's city limits, a high school diploma will now allow one to practice medicine, become a lawyer, or function as a notary public.

UFO Described as ‘Cylinder with Wings’

D'Starkville, IN - Jefferey Winters told our reporter the object he saw 'floated across the sky like a metal bird.' Other witnesses were just as confused by the object. The sighting occurred at roughly 3pm.

"There was this white smoke trailing behind it, possibly some kind of Martian chemical," states another witness. "And the speed of it was unreal, as fast as like 10, maybe even 20 horses put together."

Yet another witness came forward, stating she was able to get a better view of the object using binoculars. "There was this weird writing on it, difficult to make out, I think the first word was 'united,' but I can't be sure."

The Diatribe would like to take this opportunity to remind our readers that Indianapolis International Airport is located 35 miles from D'Starkville, and that D'Starkville's literacy rate is estimated at 25 percent.

Obamacare to Insure Democrats Only

WASHINGTON, DC - As the latest version of the hotly-disputed healthcare bill passed the House and made its way to the Senate, Republican lawmakers are up in arms about the latest provision tacked onto the legislation.

This latest provision stipulates that while everyone is allowed to purchase the government-funded insurance, surgeries, outpatient and inpatient visits will only be covered for 'patriotic Americans registered with the Democratic party.'

Obama has supported the measure, saying, "This will effectively cut the cost of the program in half, and over time, as Republicans are weeded out of the population, costs are projected to decrease even further."

Paul Dipshitz, a Republican senator from Iowa, disagrees. "While it's controversial, I doubt this provision will really make all that much of a difference. Most Republicans already have health insurance through their jobs, you know, because they do have jobs, and don't receive welfare benefits. So they'll be covered even when this ridiculous program fails. Me? As a senator I have really good health insurance, so I'm not too worried about it."

New Doomsday Threat: Micro Machines

San Francisco, CA - With nanobots and malevolent artificial intelligence already weighing on their minds, scientists are now warning of a new threat: Micro Machines.

Driven to near-extinction in the late 1990's, a resurgence of the scale-model miniature toys is threatening to 'end all human existence,' according to Blake Rancher, a consultant for the Rand Corporation.

"With the advent of better artificial intelligence and computer chips of ever-decreasing size, it was only a matter of time before someone figured out how to combine these technologies with Micro Machines to create a devastating weapon of mini-destruction."

He elaborated, "Imagine a nearly indestructible miniature-sized Dodge Viper driving down your throat while you sleep, choking you, or a thousand tiny Luke Skywalker figurines swarming you with their adorable little light sabers."

Reed Michaels, Marketing Director for Galoob, the division of Hasbro which produces Micro Machines, made a startling admission, saying, "We've known for some time that the potential was there for Micro Machines to become sentient, possibly even evil, but we were drunk, drunk with our lust for money. The margins were just too good. I mean, ten bucks for something that cost a nickel to produce? It's like we were the RIAA, or an Afghani heroin cartel."

Asked how the company planned to respond to the threat, Michaels said, "We do have a plan, actually. We will produce a set of 'good' Micro Machines to destroy the 'evil' Micro Machines, and we will sell these to the US government at the bargain price of nineteen dollars per unit. Altogether, it should cost slightly less than the recent wars the United States has been involved in."

Kim Jong Il Commits 'Most Spectacular Suicide Ever'

Pyongyang, NK - Four minutes after a North Korean missile crossed into Japanese airspace, the United States Navy shot down the missile and launched a counterstrike, hitting Pyongyang with a tactical nuclear warhead.

Spokesman for the Defense Department Ron Andrews said, "Yeah, man, it was awesome. We watched it hit on this little screen and it was all like, ka-boom!"A Navy engineer, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, "[Jong Il] wasn't hard to find. We just shot a nuke at the only house in North Korea with electricity."

The dictator's remains were identified afterwards, described as a 'charred, four-foot tall corpse wearing Nike sneakers.' Survivors of the blast were surprisingly unmoved by the death of their leader, with one citizen asking, "Do you have any food?"

China has expressed an interest in leasing the country, with plans to build a giant parking lot for its 1.8 billion citizens.

Clothing Retailer Releases Clothing Line for Disabled Individuals

Minnesota, MN - In response to a $100,000k+ fine imposed on the chain for discriminating against a differently-abled individual at their Mall of America branch, a major US retailer has dedicated an entire line of clothing to those suffering with disabilities.

"Our new fall fashions include the most up-to-date burlap sackware, for those of us who want to flaunt our disabilities in style," explains the company's Marketing Director Lori Delp.

"If the burlap sacks aren't enough, we've also allowed our customers to accessorize with these fashionable yellow armbands, meant to symbolize hope. In addition to the armbands, we're offering these environmentally-friendly brown paper bags for our customers to wear over their heads.

"This type of problem has been plaguing the clothing industry for years, but we hope our recent steps to remedy the issue will serve as a final solution to the problem."

The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

My neighbor is this creepy guy with a giant dent in his head. At night, I can hear him screaming obscenities and breaking things in his house. A few weeks ago, I saw him out on the street and he asked me to lend him five dollars.

He’s mentally unhinged, so I gave it to him.

He has not since repaid the five dollars, which does not surprise me, but my question is this: do I have any means of legal recourse vis-à-vis my five dollars?

Sincerely,
Out Five Bucks

Bucks-

Here are the facts: he’s never going to pay you back, and it’s not worth your time to sue him for five dollars. You’ve no choice but to get over it.

Tightly clutching my wallet,

Editor