Video Game Review: Pinball

This game has some of the most basic graphics I’ve ever seen. If this game is to succeed, it must succeed on its gameplay and its addictiveness, and it does just that. Really…I…can’t…stop…playing…it. I had to cut off my right thumb just to break away from it long enough to write this review.

Luckily, with recent advances in surgery, I can get this iced thumb reattached in no time and be playing Pinball again by tomorrow.

The entire game takes place on 3 screens. You bounce a pinball between them and try not to let your ball fall off the last screen. What I desire is to find a real pinball machine made to these specifications. I’d pay top dollar for it. My boss refuses to get me one, even though I’m sure it could be justified as a business-related expense.

For some reason, Mario appears in this game’s bonus stage trying to save the chick from Donkey Kong. Paulina? I don’t remember. One thing I do know: Mario really gets around. And he loves saving chicks from big monsters, even though their naughty bits have probably been savaged by eleven inches of monster dong.

But, hey, whatever works for you, big M. I’m not here to judge.

Actually, as a reviewer, I am here to judge. To judge this game. I judge it to be great. So great, in fact, that I hereby resign my post at the D’Starkville Diatribe so that I may devote all my minutes and hours to getting 999,999 points.

Oh…my boss has informed me that if I resign, I will lose my health insurance, which I need to get my thumb reattached so that I may play this game again. It’s like the Gift of the Magi, like cruel, cruel fate is punishing me.

I’m about to pass out from blood loss. Avenge me, readers. Avenge me.

Video Game Review: Super Mario Bros.

To be quite honest with you, I just don’t get it. I mean, he’s a plumber and he’s fighting a turtle-dragon to save a princess. Who but the Japanese could devise such a wacky premise for a game? Honestly, I just don’t see this catching on.

And the guys who made this game really seem to have a thing against turtles…they want you to jump on them? That is cruel. Not as cruel as turtle soup, but close.

Another thing to consider is the power-up system. He eats mushrooms which make him double in size (is he hallucinating?) and finds flowers that allow him to spit fireballs. My cousin tells me he’s ‘throwing’ the fireballs, but, to me, it looks like he’s spitting bouncing fire-loogies at his enemies.

Something else I should mention is the play control: it’s awesome. Maybe, in 20 years, if computers get good enough to emulate these video games and someone has spent years using state-of-the-art futuresque gaming systems with much better controllers, maybe then will this play control seem bad in comparison. But I doubt it.

I just want to mention that I’m getting fed up with these little mushroom-headed bastards telling me I’m not in the right castle. How many freaking worlds does this game even have? I wish there were a way to skip past a few of them…oh, wait, there is! According to my game counselor, Dan, at Nintendo, there are these things called ‘warp pipes’ which allow me to skip to the last world without having to rescue most of these lamewads. Does that mean they’ll be eaten by their pseudokoopa keepers since I never saved them? Who cares! Dan certainly doesn’t.