New Festish Sweeps Nation

Centerville, NT - A disturbing new fetish is sweeping the nation, something so radical it hasn't even been denounced by the Catholic church yet. A spokesman for Pope Benedict has confirmed that a papal decree banning the practice will be released as soon as the pope figures out what it is.

"It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting," says Centerville resident Kim Peterson, "I caught my son right in the middle of it, and you can be sure he won't be ungrounded anytime soon."

The fetish started in red-light districts in New Amsterdam, but has quickly spread to Singapore, Antarctica, and now the nation's high schools. Teens just don't seem to understand what's wrong about their new sick obsession.

"I just don't see what's so bad about it," states local teen Jack Timber, "zombies need loving, too."

UFOs Continue to Taunt Lunatics

Roswell, NM - UFOs continue to taunt local nutbags without interference from government authorities despite mounting evidence. Randall Crane is one of these nutbags.

"Them UFOs put flaming poop bags on my doorstep, then they flew away in their saucers."When asked if they were also the ones who violated three of his sheep, Crane responded, "Uh...yeah. The UFOs."

Local nutjobs have been collecting evidence against their alien tormentors for years, but the government just won't cave under the mountain of dramatic evidence including: first-hand accounts from drunk people, blurry photographs, and strange tattooos.

President Obama has stated he is 'willing to negotiate with our alien overlords whenever they decide to make their presence publicly known.'

iPods to Protect Against Bad Music

New York, NY - Amid reports that the next generation iPods will protect users' hearing by automatically adjusting volume, a lesser-known feature has been leaked to the media. According to an Apple employee who wishes to remain anonymous for her safety, new iPods will 'protect users from bad music.'

She went on to explain that this doesn't mean censorship against explicit lyrics--new iPods will actually delete bad songs after a set number of listenings. "For example," she said, "one might only be able to listen to Wham's 'Last Christmas' one time before it is automatically deleted."

Users are in an uproar over what constitutes bad music. For example, there have been rumors that iPod owners will be'protected' from entire genres of music, including rap and country music.

One iPod owner, Jimmy Starkes, was irate. "So if I buy these bad songs directly from Apple, and they get deleted after I listen to them once, that means I have to buy them every time I want to listen?"

Ted Kreegan, a market analyst, says yes. "This is basically going to amount to a tax on crappy music. People who are ignorant enough to like these songs are also ignorant enough to keep buying them. It's a brilliant move on Apple's part."

In other news, 50 cent has finally resigned from the music business and Apple's stock was up on the news.

More Media Coverage for Michael Jackson than 9/11

New York, NY - A research study conducted by the Kinsling Institute has proven that Michael Jackson's death has received more media coverage than 9/11.

Scott Rieber, one of the journalists involved in the study, said, "You have to understand, more people were affected by the tragedy of Michael Jackson's untimely death than a few planes crashing."

The study involved the number of articles published in major news outlets and the amount of time each network devoted to a number of topics. According to the Kinsling Institute, the only other topic in history to receive more media coverage [than Jackson's death] was President Obama's Portuguese Water Dog. His inauguration trailed slightly behind Michael Jackson's death.

Hawaii Launches Missile at North Korea

HONOLULU, HI - The state of Hawaii unilaterally launched a missile at North Korea today, apparently as a preemptive measure against the DPRK's planned launch. Hawaii's launch was apparently carried out without the aid of the US military because, according to one Honolulu resident, "that wouldn't be a fair fight."

The missile was constructed from a sewer pipe and Mexican fireworks, a level of sophistication the North Koreans aren't expected to reach for another 'three to six years,' according to an unnamed source inside the Pentagon.

The low-tech missile struck Pyongyang at 8:31 AM, local time, destroying both the nation's only cell phone tower and three of the four buildings in North Korea known to have electricity.

While US President Barack Obama has not officially condoned or condemned Hawaii's actions, a clip circulating on YouTube shows Obama watching the destruction in real-time and chuckling.

The UN is reportedly considering sanctions against Hawaii.

Iranian Protesters Toilet Paper Ahmadinejad's House

TEHRAN, Iran - Clips circulating on Reuters and Breitbart show several college-age Iranian protesters tossing around what appear to be rolls of toilet paper around the trees, fences, and roof of the estate of Iranian President Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian government, sensitive to international criticism in the wake of recent widespread protests, and also needing to refocus the anger of millions of dissidents, have blamed the attacks on Israel, branding the masked youths 'Toilet Paper Terrorists.'

In a speech, Ahmadinejad railed against Israel, stating, "The sophistication of this attack, and the quantity of toilet paper used, clearly points toward support from a governmental entity with vast resources."

Israel's foreign ministry responded with the following statement: "We have not seen conclusive evidence supporting the existence of a country called 'Iran.' We suspect soon that this apocryphal nation will be 'wiped off of maps everywhere' when its claims to existence prove unsubstantiated. Also, Mossad operatives have never been known to use toilet paper in their black-ops. They prefer paintballs."

Man Shows Off World's Smallest Pens

ROCKVILLE, MD - Tony Blackwell has the world's smallest pens, as verified by the Guiness Book of World Records. When asked how he managed to have the world's smallest pens, Tony stated his strange circumstance was 'inherited from his father.'

Pictures of his pens have been circulating on the internet for years, and Tony loves to have his pens photographed between the fingers of beautiful women.

Blackwell's most recent business endeavor involves taking his pens on a cross-country tour. When asked why, Blackwell said, "Men, women, and children of all ages will enjoy seeing, touching, and maybe even having their pictures taken with the world's smallest pens."

Ancient Pornography Discovered

Great Rift Valley, AFRICA - Archaeologists have found the earliest documented manmade pornographic images, estimated to be over 100,000 years old. Previously, an 1854 photograph of Mary Todd Lincoln's calf was thought to be the earliest pornography on record.

Scientists dubbed the image 'The Jockey,' as it is a cave painting depticting a figure of a nude woman 'riding' a horse. The image was protected by a sticky white 'glaze' which the archeologists have not been able to identify.

Archeologists have not yet finished excavating the site, stating that they are waiting on a shipment of supplies necessary to protect the integrity of the dig. Our reporters have confirmed that seven cases of tissues and two dozen bottles of lotion have been sent to the dig site.

UFOs Charge Ransom for Abductees

Smithfield, ND - It appears even our extraterrestrial overlords are feeling the crunch in these tough economic times, as they have begun charging for the return of persons abducted in rural areas.

"I got this call, and they were all like 'If you want to see your husband alive, you have to pay us seven million dollars. Six million if you want him returned unprobed," says local resitent Harriet Pogue."So of course I paid the extra money."

Victims and families of the victims of abductions have been petitioning the government for relief in the form of plasma blasters or government funds to cover the cost of the ransoms, but the government has responded, as always, by denying the existence of extraterrestrial life. Pressed for a quote, North Dakota Governor Randall Evans responded by saying:

"It's clear that their loved ones were abducted by weather balloons, or possibly swamp gas. We've made it clear time and time again that we will not negotiate with weather balloons."