Zombie Party Endorses McCain

Pittsburgh, PA - The leader of the Zombie Party, Ephraim Klipspringer, said in a statement given at the annual Monroeville Mall Zombie Walk, that his party, "ambles aimlessly behind, er, stands behind McCain 100 percent."

He continued, "During these tough economic times, we need a candidate who gives us what we really need--mountains and mountains of brains. With four more catastrophic years of Bush-like economic policy, the ensuing apocalyptic climate will be ideal for harvesting brains."

When asked why she favored McCain, Zombie Party member Elaine Smith said, "Living candidates just don't understand the needs of our community, but McCain, that guy gets it."

While Obama has stated that he is "willing to meet with the zombies without precondition," recent polls show that the majority of the nation's zombies aren't impressed by this gesture.

"Initially, I'd heard a rumor that he was born in Haiti, and that was promising, and I was also very impressed that he wasn't pro-life. In the end, though, you gotta go with your gut, and my gut tells me that McCain will deliver the brains."

Graveyard zombie Ron Pulley was less enthusiastic. "People said the Bush administration would bring us brains, but in the last eight years I haven't seen a brain between the lot of them."

Palin Already Forgotten

Moosecock, AK - At 11:00pm, as Sarah Palin's fifteen minutes of fame expired, she was promptly forgotten by the world. Republican Party officials have reportedly asked to be repaid 150,000 dollars she spent on clothing.

An AP poll showed that within 24 hours of losing the election, her name recogniton had dropped below 10 percent, with respondents referring to her variously as 'the one with the glasses,' 'that mayor chick,' and 'that sweet little mentally-disabled lady'.

Our sources have learned that, in an effort to retain a piece of her rapidly-fading relevance, Ms. Palin has offered to star as herself in the upcoming pornographic film Nailin' Palin II: Mavericky Mommas.

Even Tina Fey, whose Palin impression has attracted record ratings for Saturday Night Live, seemed to forget the woman she's been lampooning for the past few months. "Sarah something...Sarah Silverman? I forget her name, but I think I recall her having great taste in glasses frames."

Sarah Palin was last seen palling around with the also-forgotten 90's television star Dustin Diamond.

Bush Appoints McCain 'High Chancellor'

Washington, DC - In a historically precedented move, President Bush created the office of 'High Chancellor' and appointed Senator McCain to the position.

The High Chancellor will function as the head of the Department of Homeland Security and the Armed Forces, and will be allowed to appoint his own advisors. The office of President, to which most of these duties were formerly assigned, will become a largely ceremonial post. Dick Cheney has volunteered to serve as the Chief Advisor to the High Chancellor.

Bush's press secretary, Dana Perino, released the following statement:

"We decided the time was right to follow in Russia's footsteps by reallocating the presidential powers to a position immune to variables like voting and elections. We trust that most Americans are so swept up in Obama's historic victory that they're not really paying attention."

There is no term limit on the office of High Chancellor, and the Chief Advisor is allowed to choose a new High Chancellor in the event of death or retirement.

Joe Plummer, like most Americans, was largely unmoved by this announcement. "Well, McCain may not get to be President, but at least he'll still have a job."

Internet 'One Snatch Away From Meltdown'

Silicon Valley, CA - The Internet, a computer network built by NASA scientists as a means of distributing pictures of Britney Spears' vagina, is on the brink of imminent collapse, according to network analyst Ron Powers.

"Look at the massive network strain witnessed after the Paris Hilton sex tape was released, and let's be honest, she's a skank. Imagine what would happen if nude pictures or videos were released of a celebrity who's actually attractive."

Internet providers are taking no chances. Comcast and Verizon are piloting programs to implement bandwidth caps to prevent such a scenario from unfolding.

Ron Powers' company, SpiderWeb Logistics International, has been running simulations to predict exactly what kind of fallout to expect.

"Say pictures of Jessica Alba's vagina were to surface, we categorize this as a 'Class C Catastrophe' where developing countries would lose network access entirely and ATM cards would cease to work worldwide for upwards of three days.

"Now, let's imagine the Olsen Twins released a lesbian porno. We don't even have a way to categorize such an event; that's what we refer to as a 'Global Killer.'"

Truth About UFOs Finally Revealed

ROSWELL, NM - Two-star General Albert Ford held a press conference today where he finally revealed the truth about what the media and enthusiasts have been referring to as 'UFOs' for the past fifty years.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that all the phenomena that have been reported all these years have been found to have a perfectly logical, easily-understood explanation that will satisfy both believers and skeptics alike."

Leroy McClane, a self-proclaimed ufologist remarked, "All this time we'd been thinking it was something mysterious and weird, but it turns out there's a perfectly logical explanation."

Prominent skeptic Ed Michaels said he felt vindicated. "These kooks have been rambling on and on about aliens and time travel for as long as I can remember. Looking back at all the time and energy they've wasted, they should feel pretty foolish knowing that there's a logical explanation for all of it."

Steven Francis, producer of the Sci-Fi channel's award-winning series Strange Encounters said, "In retrospect, it almost seems silly to think we thought it was extraterrestrials, knowing as we do now that it was all something with a straightforward explanation."

While our reporters were unable to determine which branch of the military General Albert Ford is with, or any other information about him, his perfectly logical explanation left us feeling confident that no further investigation is necessary.