Internet 'One Snatch Away From Meltdown'

Silicon Valley, CA - The Internet, a computer network built by NASA scientists as a means of distributing pictures of Britney Spears' vagina, is on the brink of imminent collapse, according to network analyst Ron Powers.

"Look at the massive network strain witnessed after the Paris Hilton sex tape was released, and let's be honest, she's a skank. Imagine what would happen if nude pictures or videos were released of a celebrity who's actually attractive."

Internet providers are taking no chances. Comcast and Verizon are piloting programs to implement bandwidth caps to prevent such a scenario from unfolding.

Ron Powers' company, SpiderWeb Logistics International, has been running simulations to predict exactly what kind of fallout to expect.

"Say pictures of Jessica Alba's vagina were to surface, we categorize this as a 'Class C Catastrophe' where developing countries would lose network access entirely and ATM cards would cease to work worldwide for upwards of three days.

"Now, let's imagine the Olsen Twins released a lesbian porno. We don't even have a way to categorize such an event; that's what we refer to as a 'Global Killer.'"

Truth About UFOs Finally Revealed

ROSWELL, NM - Two-star General Albert Ford held a press conference today where he finally revealed the truth about what the media and enthusiasts have been referring to as 'UFOs' for the past fifty years.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that all the phenomena that have been reported all these years have been found to have a perfectly logical, easily-understood explanation that will satisfy both believers and skeptics alike."

Leroy McClane, a self-proclaimed ufologist remarked, "All this time we'd been thinking it was something mysterious and weird, but it turns out there's a perfectly logical explanation."

Prominent skeptic Ed Michaels said he felt vindicated. "These kooks have been rambling on and on about aliens and time travel for as long as I can remember. Looking back at all the time and energy they've wasted, they should feel pretty foolish knowing that there's a logical explanation for all of it."

Steven Francis, producer of the Sci-Fi channel's award-winning series Strange Encounters said, "In retrospect, it almost seems silly to think we thought it was extraterrestrials, knowing as we do now that it was all something with a straightforward explanation."

While our reporters were unable to determine which branch of the military General Albert Ford is with, or any other information about him, his perfectly logical explanation left us feeling confident that no further investigation is necessary.