Study Finds Most Parents are Stupid

Rockville, MD - A new study concludes that 90 percent of parents are incompetent. Researchers at the University of Lower Maryland interviewed over 500 sets of parents, asking them to complete a series of tests and questionnaires. The highlights:

-84% could not name one of their child's teachers
-65% could not find Mexico on a globe
-86% could not spell the word 'definitely'
-56% had children younger than 5 years old on Adderall, Abilify, or barbituates
-90% should have been sterilized

Local Woman Enjoys Knitting

D'Starkville, IN - Local woman Nettie Bellefield has been knitting for over 50 years, and her latest endeavor, a sweater for her dog, has put her in the running for one of the nation's most prestigious knitting awards.

Seriously? I can't believe I have to write about this inane shit. You know, if it weren't for the divorce and the child support, I could be in a real city doing something better than writing about this old hag and her stupid knitting. Does anybody even read this crap? I mean seriously, can any of you inbred hillbilly shitbags even read?

I had hopes, dreams. I wanted to win a Pulitzer, but clearly that's not going to happen.

"When people ask me how I made it to 85, I tell them that the knitting is what's keeping me alive."

Really, Nettie? The knitting? Are you sure it's not our tax dollars and the thirty-five hospital visits we've paid for over the last three years? I mean, you're in a hospice for crying out loud. You're smack dab in the middle of Hell's waiting room and you're knitting sweaters for your stuffed dog. He died, Nettie! He died seventeen years ago.

I'm going out to get drunk. I hate this job.