Video Game Review: The Legend of Zelda

So…wait. Is this little green dude named Zelda, or is this a chick, or what? He’s saving a princess…her name is Zelda. So who is this green guy I’m controlling? I really need to start reading the instruction booklets before I start playing these games. Certainly before I start writing about them.

The giant, shining money is good. Killing octopi is also good. That dragon at the end of the first dungeon, though, he’s a real asshole. I need more hearts before I attempt another dungeon…

One of the best things about this game is that it is GOLD. That’s how I know that it’s GOOD. And I can cut animals with a sword, which is also pretty sweet. Not to mention shooting them with ARROWS. It’s just like deer hunting, except in this game it appears I am ripping these animals’ hearts out and eating them.

Take that, octopus-bitches!

And, while we’re on the subject, what is the deal with all these princesses getting kidnapped? Are they raping them, or what? If not, why take them? If they are, do these hero-guys really want to deal with the years of therapy and psychological healing it’ll take for these sluts to get over it?

If that’s the case, they certainly won’t be putting out any time soon, so what’s the point of saving them?

I’d take some of that giant, shining money and go to the strip club hidden in the sixth dungeon.

Video Game Review: Kid Icarus

So the first thing you notice about your protagonist is that he’s got WINGS. So he should be able to FLY. But he CAN’T. Because he SUCKS. Playing this game is a series of letdowns. It’s kind of fun shooting things with arrows, and completing the various stages, but it really sucks dying all the time and losing a big chunk of your progress.

Another thing you may notice as you grind your way through Icarusland is that there are SO MANY MONSTERS. That might have been a better title for this game. Because fighting monsters one at a time is so passé, better to fight them a dozen at a time.

If you’re playing this game, I suspect you’ve already beaten Metroid, because that’s a much better game. If that’s the case, I’d recommend shelving this one and playing that instead, because that game is soooo freakin’ sweet.