85% of Americans Suffer from Total Cerebral Necrosis

Nashville, KY - A new study being released this week by the Lyons Institute reveals that over 85 percent of Americans suffer from a condition doctors are calling 'complete end-stage cerebral necrosis'.

Possible causes of the condition have been identified as: reality television, overuse of cellphones, common sense deficiencies (CSD), and Rush Limbaugh.

"In the last ten years alone, cases of cerebral necrosis have quadrupled, encompassing nearly all of the South and most of the rural areas covering the rest of the country," states researcher David Newton.

"I guess in many ways it was inevitable. We're actually shutting the research program down due to lack of interest, plus we all want to get home in time to watch American Idol. I can't believe they haven't voted that blind guy off yet. He's no Stevie Wonder, as we all learned last week."

Currently, there is no known cure for cerebral necrosis.

Doctors Complete First Successful Brain Transplant

Orlando, FL - Doctors at the University of Miami Medical Center have completed what they are calling the 'first successful brain transplant.'

Neurosurgeon Ed Andrews explained the procedure.

"Basically, we took out the old brain and put in a new one."

The patient, whose name has not been released, in accordance with medical confidentiality laws, was declared braindead three days ago after parasites devoured much of the soft tissue in his frontal lobe.

His brother explained how the family had almost given up hope, saying, "Well, you see, our family had almost given up hope."

But thanks to a new law passed last year by Florida's state legislature, the organs of death row inmates who have been executed or have pending executions can be made available to patients who would benefit from them. It was because of this law that an organ from convicted serial rapist and Republican commentator Errol Killins became a gift, giving a braindead patient a new shot at life.

"Daddy seems different since the operation," said the 12-year old daughter of the transplant recipient, "he says he wants to take me camping."

When asked how he felt about the procedure, the patient stated, "I woke up with a fat wife and a beer belly, which totally sucks, but the doctors say I'll be out of the hospital next week, and I plan to live life to the fullest."

Obama Adopts Monopoly Money as National Currency

Washington, DC - Barack Obama made history yet again today, giving a speech on Last Call with Carson Daly where he explained how money from the board game Monopoly will become the new national standard.

"Gone are the days when Americans on Baltic Avenue have to bow to the demands of Uncle Moneybags leering down from his hotel on Park Place."

When Carson Daly asked about inflation, Obama responded, "Each American will get a stimulus bonus of $15,140, regardless of his or her income. With this money, they'll be able to buy houses, cars, and even thimbles. And those who take advantage of Americans by putting hotels on their properties will go directly to jail, and will not collect two hundred dollars."

Asked how he felt about the new laws outlawing the wealthy from taking money from the Free Parking space, Water Works employee John Mitchell said, "They'll just hire lawyers to roll them doubles and be right back on the street in less than three turns."

Political pundit Rush Limbaugh took a harsher tack:

"Obama neglected to mention in his speech that the government bailout of all four national railroads gives him a monopoly, and that hard-working Americans will be spending most of their stimulus money on transportation."

Failed presidential candidate John McCain was also less-than-enthusiastic, stating, "By mortgaging our Illinois Avenues and our St. James Places, we'll be forcing our children to circle around in an endless circuit, just trying to make ends meet."

Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska's 'community chest,' was busy acting in her upcoming adult film debut and could not be reached for comment.