Video Game Review: Snoopy’s Silly Sports Spectacular

This isn’t a video game review so much as a public service announcement. This game actually has a lot in common with syphilis: from the outside, it may seem inviting, but once you realize what it is, you should get as far away from it as you possibly can. Also, it will, over time, destroy your mind in a way not dissimilar to the aforementioned syphilis.

This is a game so bad that it had to be completely redone as a Snoopy game to contain its original horribility as a Japanese release with Donald Duck sprites. They were actually worried that bad word-of-mouth from Japan would make its way here, to the US.

In a way, the designers of this game were pretty ambitious. Rather than strive for the title of ‘Worst Game Ever,’ they tried to unite The Six Worst Games Ever into one cartridge. Tolkien would have been proud.

Here’s what it is: Snoopy and Spike competing at various sportslike events in Italy. Pogo Jump, Push Your Opponent off a Gondola, The Boot Toss, Carrying a Stack of Pizzas without Dropping Them, Racing in a Potato Sack, and Oh My God There Is No Way To Actually Pole Vault Across This Goddamned River, Is There?

Just for the record, I have never, nor have I even heard a story about someone ever successfully pole vaulting across that goddamned river. It’s just not possible. I suspect Shigesato Itoi (or possibly even Beat Takeshi) had a hand in that, because making games that are, by definition, impossible seems to get them off.

So…back to Snoopy. The central question of any video game review is whether the reader should purchase/play the game in question. The answer, given objectively and with absolutely no bias, is this: under no circumstances should you or anyone else ever play this game. Not even if it’s free. Not even if someone has you strapped to a chair with giant lasers pointing at you which will zap you if you don’t play this game.

OHMYGODRUNAWAYWHILEYOUSTILLCAN!

Is what they should put on the outside of the box this game comes in, with a sticker bearing the exact same legend affixed to the cartridge in case the box has been lost.

And yet, a part of me worries that I may have piqued your curiosity, like you may be thinking to yourself, ‘It sounds so bad that it might actually be fun to play, just to make fun of.’ NO! DO NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE! You should not even be imagining what it would be like to play this game, the taint of it is that strong.

Even as I tie the rope to the rafter in a vain attempt to rid my mind of the impurity of this game, penning out this review along with a copy of my last will and testament, I implore you, for all that is good in the world, don’t let yourself be exposed to the Lovecraftian horror which comprises Snoopy’s Silly Sports Spectacular.