New Weight Loss Method Discovered by Scientists

Addis Ababa, ETHIOPIA – Scientists working in this impoverished African nation claim to have discovered the secret to long-term sustained weight loss, summarized by researcher Pete Morgan as follows:

“QUIT EATING SO DAMN MUCH!”

Morgan went on to say, “Seriously, you Americans, you eat pounds and pounds of junk every damn day and wonder why your asses get so fat. It boggles the mind that you can’t see the correlation between the crap you shove in your faces and the fat enveloping your fat fat bodies.”

The results of the study are due to be published next week in the New England Journal of Real Medicine.

New Study Determines Whiskey ‘Delicious’

Lynchburg, TN – A study, funded in part by Jack Daniel’s has determined that, as has long been suspected, whiskey is in fact ‘delicious’. The study consisted of blindfolded subjects taste-testing whiskey versus urine, bleach, and other household cleaning products.

Unanimously, the subjects indicated that the whiskey was the most delicious of the samples they tasted.

Also included in the study were samples of low-carb beer, which were judged to be slightly less delicious than urine, but more delicious than paint thinner.

Study Finds Most Parents are Stupid

Rockville, MD - A new study concludes that 90 percent of parents are incompetent. Researchers at the University of Lower Maryland interviewed over 500 sets of parents, asking them to complete a series of tests and questionnaires. The highlights:

-84% could not name one of their child's teachers
-65% could not find Mexico on a globe
-86% could not spell the word 'definitely'
-56% had children younger than 5 years old on Adderall, Abilify, or barbituates
-90% should have been sterilized

Local Woman Enjoys Knitting

D'Starkville, IN - Local woman Nettie Bellefield has been knitting for over 50 years, and her latest endeavor, a sweater for her dog, has put her in the running for one of the nation's most prestigious knitting awards.

Seriously? I can't believe I have to write about this inane shit. You know, if it weren't for the divorce and the child support, I could be in a real city doing something better than writing about this old hag and her stupid knitting. Does anybody even read this crap? I mean seriously, can any of you inbred hillbilly shitbags even read?

I had hopes, dreams. I wanted to win a Pulitzer, but clearly that's not going to happen.

"When people ask me how I made it to 85, I tell them that the knitting is what's keeping me alive."

Really, Nettie? The knitting? Are you sure it's not our tax dollars and the thirty-five hospital visits we've paid for over the last three years? I mean, you're in a hospice for crying out loud. You're smack dab in the middle of Hell's waiting room and you're knitting sweaters for your stuffed dog. He died, Nettie! He died seventeen years ago.

I'm going out to get drunk. I hate this job.

Aquarius Defeats Taurus in Fight

Zodiac, TN - It was the dawning of the age of Aquarius last night here in Zodiac, Tennessee. The heavily-favored Taurus strutted around with his bullish arrogance before the fight, but the stellar movements and fluid lines of Aquarius triumphed in the end.

Aquarius defeated Taurus in record time, disappointing some of those in the crowd.

"I thought Taurus would bring a little more intensity, but I guess it takes more than intensity to win," said Jason Rocket, a star basketball player at local Zodiac High School.

84% of Americans ‘Drunk Right Now’

Williamsport, NM – A survey conducted by Gloop Polling found that eighty-four percent of those polled were, at the time of polling, inebriated or in the process of getting inebriated. One of the questions used in the poll, ‘How shit-housed are you right now?’ elicited a 72 percent response of ‘Very,’ followed by a 6 percent response of ‘Somewhat,’ with a small percentage of respondents giving the answers of ‘Totally,’ and ‘A little.’

The sample size consisted of six respondents sitting near the pollster in the bar while he was conducting the survey, with a margin of error of ninety-six percent.

Christian-Muslim Relations Set to Flourish

New York, NY - While there have been tensions in the past, relations between Christians and Muslims are on track to improve dramatically over the next decade, experts agree. Even President Bush is preparing to make overtures to get more involved in Islamic strongholds such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

"It's important that we get closer to our Muslim neighbors here and abroad," Bush said in a recent speech.