Zombie Party Endorses McCain

Pittsburgh, PA - The leader of the Zombie Party, Ephraim Klipspringer, said in a statement given at the annual Monroeville Mall Zombie Walk, that his party, "ambles aimlessly behind, er, stands behind McCain 100 percent."

He continued, "During these tough economic times, we need a candidate who gives us what we really need--mountains and mountains of brains. With four more catastrophic years of Bush-like economic policy, the ensuing apocalyptic climate will be ideal for harvesting brains."

When asked why she favored McCain, Zombie Party member Elaine Smith said, "Living candidates just don't understand the needs of our community, but McCain, that guy gets it."

While Obama has stated that he is "willing to meet with the zombies without precondition," recent polls show that the majority of the nation's zombies aren't impressed by this gesture.

"Initially, I'd heard a rumor that he was born in Haiti, and that was promising, and I was also very impressed that he wasn't pro-life. In the end, though, you gotta go with your gut, and my gut tells me that McCain will deliver the brains."

Graveyard zombie Ron Pulley was less enthusiastic. "People said the Bush administration would bring us brains, but in the last eight years I haven't seen a brain between the lot of them."

Bush Appoints McCain 'High Chancellor'

Washington, DC - In a historically precedented move, President Bush created the office of 'High Chancellor' and appointed Senator McCain to the position.

The High Chancellor will function as the head of the Department of Homeland Security and the Armed Forces, and will be allowed to appoint his own advisors. The office of President, to which most of these duties were formerly assigned, will become a largely ceremonial post. Dick Cheney has volunteered to serve as the Chief Advisor to the High Chancellor.

Bush's press secretary, Dana Perino, released the following statement:

"We decided the time was right to follow in Russia's footsteps by reallocating the presidential powers to a position immune to variables like voting and elections. We trust that most Americans are so swept up in Obama's historic victory that they're not really paying attention."

There is no term limit on the office of High Chancellor, and the Chief Advisor is allowed to choose a new High Chancellor in the event of death or retirement.

Joe Plummer, like most Americans, was largely unmoved by this announcement. "Well, McCain may not get to be President, but at least he'll still have a job."