Silicon Valley, CA - The Internet, a computer network built by NASA scientists as a means of distributing pictures of Britney Spears' vagina, is on the brink of imminent collapse, according to network analyst Ron Powers.
"Look at the massive network strain witnessed after the Paris Hilton sex tape was released, and let's be honest, she's a skank. Imagine what would happen if nude pictures or videos were released of a celebrity who's actually attractive."
Internet providers are taking no chances. Comcast and Verizon are piloting programs to implement bandwidth caps to prevent such a scenario from unfolding.
Ron Powers' company, SpiderWeb Logistics International, has been running simulations to predict exactly what kind of fallout to expect.
"Say pictures of Jessica Alba's vagina were to surface, we categorize this as a 'Class C Catastrophe' where developing countries would lose network access entirely and ATM cards would cease to work worldwide for upwards of three days.
"Now, let's imagine the Olsen Twins released a lesbian porno. We don't even have a way to categorize such an event; that's what we refer to as a 'Global Killer.'"
The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
"Look at the massive network strain witnessed after the Paris Hilton sex tape was released, and let's be honest, she's a skank. Imagine what would happen if nude pictures or videos were released of a celebrity who's actually attractive."
Internet providers are taking no chances. Comcast and Verizon are piloting programs to implement bandwidth caps to prevent such a scenario from unfolding.
Ron Powers' company, SpiderWeb Logistics International, has been running simulations to predict exactly what kind of fallout to expect.
"Say pictures of Jessica Alba's vagina were to surface, we categorize this as a 'Class C Catastrophe' where developing countries would lose network access entirely and ATM cards would cease to work worldwide for upwards of three days.
"Now, let's imagine the Olsen Twins released a lesbian porno. We don't even have a way to categorize such an event; that's what we refer to as a 'Global Killer.'"
The articles on this site are satire, they are NOT factual, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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