Zodiac, TN - Turns out those horoscopes you've been secretly using to plan your life have scientific merit. According to quantum physicist Roald Tonberry, the accuracy of horoscopes relies on a mixture of placebo, luck, and quantum mechanics.
"We used to think their accuracy was due to the fact that they only made 12 kinds of predictions and relied on incredibly vague phrasing, but it turns out that a horoscope is actually specific to the individual."
In a process known as 'instancing', upon receiving a horoscope, the reader's reality branches off into a parallel universe where the prediction comes true.
"Here's an example, let's say a horoscope for Aries says, 'Your creepy neighbor will try to feel you up in the elevator at 7:15 this evening.' Clearly, that's not going to be true for 1 in 12 people. However, with instancing, it can come true for each individual who reads it because they are each living in a parallel reality. This is the same way that God can answer prayers for victory for members of opposing sports teams without creating paradox."
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